i love hillary.

and we talked to lauren today and it made me feel wonderful. i'm happy to be on good terms, even if we're not all buddy-buddy...it's alright. i was thinking about her lately, and even had a dream about the three of us last night...it was a good dream. we basically told the world to fuck off. hillary and i do that a lot.

and then there is matt, who is like two different people. there is the side of him that has cheated, and lied, and has said rude and ignorant things to my friend. the matt that i do not like or respect. and then there is the matt who shows up at three in the morning when i'm crying about my parents, the matt who takes out the garbage-waters my mom's plants and feeds my kittues while i am in new york- the matt who just listens to me ramble about what i want to do with my life, the matt who just loves to take me out and spend his money on me.

so, who is he?? is he the person who says henious, horrible things to my friend? is he the person who kisses and DOESN'T tell? or is he the guy that really cares- like he says he does- and is always there for me to prove it?

it's confusing. hillary is right when she says that she thinks he isn't good. because some of the time he really isn't-those times when he makes me feel bad about things i've done...and some things i should really feel bad about. but some things i shouldn't, and i tellhim half truths because i still want that matt who i can call up at any time just to talk to.

so, i guess i need to sort this out. i need to calm down, think about my priorities, where i'm going, and think...do i want things to be the same? maybe we can just be a bit less serious? i want him and i don't, all at the same time and it screws with my head more than anything. and hillary sees it without the emotions, and i value her opinion so much. but i want her to know everything- there is so much more on the inside, so much of what goes on just between me and matt and it changes everything. and i love her to death and don't want us to be strained anymore because of my confusing relationship.

anyway.... enough about that.

this hasn't completely settled in..but wolf died. we all know by now. and it's sad. really. really sad. more than i can express at the moment. it's the reason lauren called hillary, and then we had a three way conversation and it was really nice.

wolf....was amazingly inspirational. he talked to me about design because he was into it...and he told me so much about how to get your name out there. he said...you wanna do menswear too, it makes you more prominent. so. if i ever do a menswear line, it will somehow be named after him. possibly 'wolf music" by liz hartman. he had a really cool name. or maybe just "wolf". ...... i feel strange because i didn't know him all that well. it's not like we were best buds or something. we hung out a few times...once alone. and i'm sooooo so. happy. that i persuaded him and nick to come to allison's that one time. the last time i saw him. his body looked in pain- his face was swollen up- but his eyes had that perpetual glow of life, that lust for success and excitement that had always been there.

and the more i think about it, the sadder i get. only the good die young. but WHY?? why ...someone who was destined for amazing, incredible things. someone so smart and talented in so many ways...why? only the good die young...but everyone knew wolf was good. he was amazing. and i say all of this in a completely friendly-non-romantic ish way. i admired him, for being SO ambitious and smart and interesting, ....

i hope to go to the funeral and pay my respects. if anyone knows when it will be, i would appreciate it if you would let me know.

and i am watching the movie 'monster' because i just am. alrighty then.

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