i listened to lots of vendetta red today and it made me sad. why is time passing so fast. ? does anyone know? why am i moving so slowly with my projects? THAT has an answer, and it's called wegmans+ art 10 and 20 during the week, or my parents bitching.... and you know, i need sleep sometimes too.
ummmm hillary is cool
i feel weird about matt.....like getting to a new level of a video game that you've never gotten to before. we're really close. we know each other really well- but sometimes I don't think we do and I get scared. We have a connection and we don't at the same time....but ...sometimes. i feel so in tune with him, like we're simply perfect. he's my best guy friend and my boyfriend. all in one. we watch movies and run errands and go out to eat and make food at home and laugh at things all the time. we GET each other, we have each other figured out for the most part- and what I know, I genuinely love. I really like his angry little dispositions, i think they're cute....and it's nice to know he cares sometimes.
but what do you do now? if we were say, 5 years older, would we be contemplating marriage? a lot changes in 5 years though. so obviously, that's far from my mind, way behind college and even what to do in my free time.
so do things keep going as they are? can they? and, what if i get into parson's next year? eh? i want to and i don't, -
if it was a perfect world, i would go to psu next year. stay where my heart is, with the people i know, the matt i love- and save a GREAT DEAL of money, also gaining experience from living on my own, but atleast near my parents. but. what if i do all these studio classes, do everything i can and i DON'T GET INTO PARSON'S THEN. that's my last chance, that's it, that's the end of the line.
and i can't be with matt forever, i can't do that and neither can he. we need to be young, not tied down for a while- but i also can't trust that either, i WANT to be with him, i almost need to be- he fills this void..
so, so what? what then, what to do. psu? i want to go to psu for a year, i really really do. i can't live on my own in manhattan next year, fuck that, i'll fall off a cliff/building.
i know town here. given the student body at psu is not diverse, at all...and im not talking races, i don't mean...how many black people there are or something. i mean...how many open minds, how many genuinely interesting people. it sucks that i'll have to dig around to find them- like a gold mine or something. rocks and shit everywhere before you can find something worthwhile.
i keep imagining myself in new york, taking rigorous art classes that i know i will hate. i already hate my drawing class right now, i hate it so much. without matt it will be even worse, in a city that i don't know, a city that doesn't know me- we have no relation and therefore no affection.
i will hate them at penn state, too. but i'll have him. maybe a few other friends. i'll know town, i'll have my old jobs and co workers, and him. sometimes when we're laying in my bed holding each other, it feels like we just...melt into one.
i'm seventeen. that can't even happen, can it.
i'll be 18 really soon though. he's 19.
someday i will look back at this all with a mixture of nostalgia and contentedness. a good experience, the first love.

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