I guess today I'm frustrated at everyone.

I want to lock up my diary from everyone, because right now I feel like dissing EVERYONE and i don't want to hear them defend theirselves, because i just.. don't! I'm sorry!

Chris- okay, YOU DON'T LIKE HTML!!! I GET IT!!! STOP- ARGH! YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT YOU CARE BUT THEN YOU DON'T! IT'S ALWAYS YOU SAYING YOU DON'T CARE!!! AND I DON'T WANT TO DISCUSS WITH ANYONE BECAUSE THEN THEY'LL SAY-

AS IN IVAN-

YEA, HE DOESN'T GIVE A DAMN!

BUT I WANT HIM TO, AND HOW COULD HE NOT GIVE A DAMN AFTER ALL THESE THINGS HE SAYS TO ME THAT SOUND TO TRUTHFUL?

AND YOU'RE ALL HAPPY NOW-

WELL, LAST NIGHT I WAS AND YOU WERE ALL DEPRESSED

'TONIGHT'S A THINKING NIGHT

DAMNIT SPEAK FOR YOURSELF!

AND 'YES, FRIENDS- I'M NOT FEELING SO WELL

'I HAD A GREAT DAY! WANT ME TO SHOVE MY GREAT DAY IN YOUR DEPRESSED FACE??

DIDN'T THINK SO!!!

I'M TIRED OF YOUR INSENSITIVITY IVAN! IT'S YOU THAT DOESN'T GIVE A DAMN, NOT CHRIS!!

AND SOMETIMES I THINK THAT HE DOESN'T KNOW ME, BECAUSE I NEVER GET ANGRY AROUND HIM, YOU KNOW WHY? HE'LL GET ALL DEFENSIVE AND SPIT RIGHT BACK!

I'M TIRED OF PEOPLE SPITTING RIGHT BACK, I JUST CANNOT TAKE IT!

WHY DID TONIGHT HAVE TO BE A BAD NIGHT?? IT ALREADY WAS A BAD NIGHT!!!

I'M MAD AT YOU, IVAN, BECAUSE YOU JUST DON'T GIVE A DAMN. AND I AM TIRED OF TRYING. SO THERE. I GIVE UP

I'M MAD AT YOU CHRIS BECAUSE YOU SIGN ON, AND AFTER BEING SO NICE LAST NIGHT YOU WERE DISSING EVERYTHING WE WERE TALKING ABOUT JUST BECAUSE YOU WERE NOT INVOLVED!

AND I AM MAD AT ME, FOR THE SOLE REASON THAT I CAN'T SEEM TO COPE.

is it me that's insensitive, but correct me if I'm wrong it seems to be them

oh, and I am just NOT IN THE MOOD for anyone to get defensive on me tonight, if you IM me ivan and start typing away at how "wrong" I am you may as well be talking to yourself. I'll just block you.

Later on that night:

oh gosh, no one will even talk to me

I need someone! why won't Maria IM me? is she going to be on his side??

this is my diary!!! I have the right to write whatever I want in it, he should realize that!

Thank God, Maria's not mad at me. Ivan still is. Screw him, I deleted his password.

I'm sorry, but a lot happened tonight and I really am not emotionally prepared for fighting with him! he doesn't understand- so much gets me down lately,

Especially this psychiatrist. The family one. I was beaten and bashed then forced myself to get along with my mother afterwards so she'd let me online.

for what?

because I wanted to talk to Chris, who later got mad at me because of the HTML talk.

I think now the only person who might consider listening to me is Maria. Thank you! you mean so much to me just because you listen when all others want to talk about is their wonderful days, their wonderful lives!

I guess it's not really Ivan's fault, I mean he's a normal kid who thinks about soccer and his girlfriend and his friends. He's not messed up like me.

I'm a weird kid who thinks about my future and wants it to come so I can get out of this hell I call State College, and I can get away from labels.

I want to talk to Chris and Maria because they're two of the very few people that can actually make me happy, and so much is not happy in my life!

My mother seems bent on fighting with me, my brother is lazy, my dad is no help,

I mean, I love them all- but do I like them?

I'm sorry for being so selfish, I know I should want to hear about Ivan's *wonderful* day, but I'm sorry for being consumed in this!

Sigh, why does everything get me so sad? It never used to!

so, yea, this is why i took away Ivan's password, because I want to "flip out" on people without them getting mad.

I didn't want a fight, so i did not tell him directly

i wrote it in my diary.

and this chris thing

it's never going to end, too bad he left and we fought again, this really sucks, it feels like we're breaking up all over again sometimes!

sigh.

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