Well, here I am

It's strange, because all day I think of things to say but then when I am set in front of the keyboard and computer screen, my mind goes blank and I'm kind of lost.

Diaryland has been home to me ever since early March. I was lucky to find it. Somewhere to vent when no one else would listen.

Dland, you know me all too well. kind of.

what did i go through before this? You've never seen me entirely happy. When I didn't need a venting space, when I was happy. Truly happy.

Sixth grade was the happiest year for me.

Seventh grade was okay, but then I moved and everything got twisted all around and messed itself up.

I always had a sort of an attitude, when it came to my family anyway, and it's not like I wake up in the morning and think 'Okay, here I am,, today I plan to wreak havoc and make my mom cry'

It's not like that.

not at all.

I wake up wonder why I'm not what they want me to be, that's what I wake up to.

I wake up and wish I was little again, their perfect daughter.

I ,...... I wonder..... confuse myself.

THIS IS WHY I DON"T FIT INTO A CATEGORY.

I'm not a punk, because punks are relatively happy, and they like all those 'no-name' bands that really don't produce music, they just scream into a microphone to some guitar banging and CALL it music.

MUSIC MY ASS.

And I'm not a prep because, I don't know, I guess I have'nt got the stuck-up-I-hate-everyone attitude that many girls at my school sport, plus I'm not a big fan of Abercrombie and Fitch. I have two shirts. Just two.

I am just me!!!! ME!!! Is their a ME category out their somewhere, waiting to be discovered??

I like to write, but I'm not much of an intellectual. I like to sing but I can't act worth crap. I say I'm not a prep yet at times I've been known to backstab just as everyone else. I smile when I'm sad. I smile when I'm happy. I'm shy around SC people and loud around USC people, because I've known them ever since the wheel was discovered, erm, invented. There is only one person that makes me truly happy. Take a guess. Used to be two, but I don't have her anymore.

Saw Melissa at the pool today. She was talking about her best friend, Megan. I was compelled to say "I used to have a best friend. She meant everything to me. We did everything together. Shopping, movies, parties, you name it. But I was stupid enough to let words slip out of my mouth that never should have existed and now I am best friendless".....

But I didn't. I smiled and said, 'wow, you guys must have a lot of fun together'.

.....

Everything is so confusing. You might think... due to my age and all I'd find all these young guys interesting and change boyfriends every week.

DAMNIT teenagers are so steriotyped!!!

There is one person, ONE PERSON who never ceases to amaze me. Every other boy I come by... some can be nice, but they're ugly. Some can be funny but they're mean, some can be great looking but they're cocky, NO ONE is quite like this person.

I'm lucky to know him.

It is now about nine o'clock. going to watch the Reese Whitherspoon diary tonight on MTV. Legally Blonde looks like an amazing movie, may as well learn a little bit about the actress.

got a new book today. It's so like me, and though it's a lot shorter then the books I normally, it's so... me. It's called 'My Own Worst Enemy" by Carol Sonenklar. It's the kind of booj I would have easily read in sixth grade, and just light reading now, but I love it. It's so hilarious.

it is now nine o'clock.

i have to get off at nine thirty.

I want to write!!!!! I am such a constipated writer, so many ideas float around in my head, but there seems to be a plug between my mind and my fingers and there all of those images and words will rest, one on top of another until someday they'll explode and I'll be a famous writer.

ha.

iiii..... seriously need help.

I don't know how long I'll be using Diaryland, but it helps, you know... just to write and vent and get everyhting out, .....

I have more to write!!! I don't want it to be so plugged up inside of me!! It makes my lungs work so much harder, I can't even breathe... sometimes... when I need to write.

I ned to stretch too. then do some push-ups and crunches

and I also need some salt, and grease.....

and sugar, and vitamins....

am I having a growth spurt or something?? I am constantly craving all of these foods......

I am going to be so damn fat!

And, closing up this entry full of rambles and thoughts that are even to insane for me to comprehend, I'd like to ask you, Dlanders, if you've ever felt like you have a split personality. Pity, I never seem to have internet access when the sensible me and the insane me fall apart from each other and they talk inside my head.

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