I think I'm just going to copy and paste my entry about easter from deadjournal into here, seeing as I lack the will to write in here.

Everyone seemed oblivious to the poor fat child puking his guts out in the bathroom as we indulged in pizza hut stuffed crust pizza.

I'm actually jumping ahead of myself. that happened Saturday night.

Let's go back to Friday. After getting offline, and going to the apartment to clean. I was groggy, I was disconnected. I had just been dumped, I had just woken up, I was weirded out. But then mom hands me the sweeper, and as I attempt at just sucking up that cream colored piece of shit with our Oreck 2000, I begin thinking about things. One being Trevor, of course. Another being Mack, and Pittsburgh, and my mental stability. I came to terms with myself and realized that I don't and never did need Trevor. Did he have a name? No. He was "boyfriend", and could have been any old person, for having a boyfriend was seemingly just oh-so-important at the time. I mean, sure, he was alright for a while, a sweet talker and all, and I had my bits of fun with it. Don't get me wrong, I didn't use him or anything like that. It was fun while it lasted. But, that's over now. On to the next thought, Mack. Nothing actually happened there... I can always dream about him, because he is not only incredibly hot, but has a great personality. We will see. And Pittsburgh, I had mixed feelings about it. Max calls my cell and we talk while I scrub black stuff off the cracks on the toilet. I give him details. He finds them funny. And, my mental state. Having realized that I don't need or even remotely want boyfriend, or a boyfriend at that, having decided that I would allow myself to fantasize about Mack, and not too much touching down on Pittsburgh, I got a headache from lysol and went home. To the house. Was online for a while and really didn't talk to anyone. Hurriedly packed, skimming over meaningless details.

We all got in our lumina and started the drive to Pittsburgh. I begin to think about things again, and reaching an agreement within myself, that I really do not want to think about Trevor, or school, or anything, I desperately beg my parents to play a road game with me. How horrible was that.

"Alright, Ted, you got E. Think of a movie that starts with E,"

"Um, er, Exlooloo! :stupid laugh:"

"Seriously, Teddy"

At this point, dad is humming a theme song to some old movie, trying to get Teddy to say the name.

"Heeheehee, er, Empowbowwow!!!?"

Mom pipes up. "Can you all shut up?? I need sleep!"

I lean back against the seat, and am almost overcome with this huge, horrible feeling of depression,... but I recognized this feeling. It's the aftermath of a relationship combined with being with family feeling. I decided I was not. Never. About to let it get me, not this time, I don't need him, and Iove my family very much. I smile, and think of positive things, like Emily and Maria. And Chris, and Mack. Things are going to be okay, I swore to myself.

So, we got to Ursula's in the southside and go to sleep, wake up, get ready, I was dropped off at the mall. I met Emily, and we chill. We make fun of old people and talk about things. Maria arrives and then we really have a lot of fun. We go guy scoping, and Emily talks about Mark, the guy who she has been head over heels for ever since he dumped her. I promised myself to never, ever be like that. Not good.

Some guy named Sean asked for like 32 cents or something, and we all started talking to him. He was really cool. Openly discussed his sex life, though. Which was odd. He ended up being afro pierced penis. Long story.

But he left, after getting a call on his mad cell phone. We were sitting on a bench and there was a random silence, and I say "...sex..."

It was funny at the time.

After eveyone got over the dumb humor of it, we launch into a conversation about how sex starved we've all been, and what to do about being mad horny with nothing to supress your mad horniness. We all need to go on wild guy-finding rampages. Or buy a dildo. Or something.

Maria leaves at four, and Emily calls her mom and I go over to her house. We chill in her room and go walking down the street, have singing random songs and half talking about stuff. In her room we talk about, :suprise, suprise:, sex, and the future, and if you'd do it with anyone before marriage and whatnot. Touchy subject, that's all I'm gonna write about our discussion. Her brother uncute-ified himself. He used to be hot. Now he's like, um, who slapped the dude with a- never mind. Don't wanna insult Em's brother.

After I left Em's. I went to Target with mom and Ted, I got a book called "Jemima J,". It's really good.

Then we all came to my grandparent's house, where dad had ordered pizza for us. Back to the first sentance. Teddy was feeling like shizzy I guess, and he, after attempting at eating a huge, drippy slice of pizza, bolts for the bathroom. No one pays attention as he sputs and gags, for this is not uncommon. My brother is just, prone to stomach diseases or something. The pizza was darn good. I fell asleep soon afterwards, only to be woken up by my stupid old man grandpa, who, like most stipid old men, gets cranky about stupid old stuff. Being the thermostat. And The pizza tray. At three in the morning.

"NEESY-" (which is short for my mother's name, Denise), "GIT UP YOU! EHHHHH IT IS 80 DEGREES IN THIS HOUSE, HEAR? WHO SET THAT THERE THERMOSTAT UP SO DERNED HIGH? EHH? GIT UP!"

Naturally, I am woken as well, seeing as he is screaming in the loudest voice a stupid old man can muster at three in the morning. And also, He was yelling into the living room, where mom and I were sleeping on the couches. Mom says she never touched it. I didn't touch it either, I mean, I have better things to do then set the thermostat up to 80 degrees. After that is fixed, after he is done pointing fingers at everyone, even my poor sick brother who sat in the bedroom and drooled until he fell asleep, you'd think my grandpa would have had enough.

Nah.

"NEESY WHY, TELL ME, IS THAT THERE PIZZA IN THE-" and I tuned him out. Goodness knows why he was yelling this time, but I heard the words "Fire" and "Fridgadere running" (by the way, in pittsburgh, all redfridgerators are lovingly reffered to as "frdge-a-dere's". It's not a word, they just say it like that. No one writes it down that way).

But anyhow. Mom and I were up until four drinking orange juice, talking to grandma, looking at pictures from the old days and I was reading my new book. It actually wasn't that bad of an hour, to tell you the truth.

I woke up the next morning, not sure of how I fell asleep. It was easter, and in place of baskets, Teddy and I received bowls with candy in it. Mine had less candy, and you wanna know why? I got a real gift.

SELF TANNER BABY!!!! GAAAAAAAH I LOVE MY PARENTS/THE EASTER BUNNY!

And I will totally tan for the Hershy trip. And also, I'm working out, and for the first time ever, I swear I'll feel good about myself in a bathing suit top.

And short shorts.

Maybe we are pushing it a bit here.

But anyway.

We got ready and went to church. Teddy still was feeling bad, so we left after communion. Went back to grandma's and I read until my relatives arrived. I was in the most diluted mood.

We had easter lunch/dinner around 2:30. It was ham, corn, beans, mashed potatoes, and mom gave me wine.

The first few sips were amazing. But then I got this headache and the last few sips hurt my throat. It put me in an even more diluted and sarcastic mood than I had been previously. Mom didn't care, she was drunk as a doornail. Dad. I am afraid of him, he looks at me a lot, too much, and I'm just... not okay with it. Teddy fell asleep.

I talked to my cousin Mike who had just broke up with his girlfriend a few days ago.

We came to the consensus that being single is definitely the best.

Mike is 24.

We made fun of the stuff on TV. Me and Mike are a whole lot alike.

Right before we were about to leave. (I was feeling the wine so much at this point, I wanted out of there), but Ursula called and came over with candy for Teddy and I. We eventually left, and on the ride back I read my book. I only have a few pages to go now, because it got dark and I couldn't read anymore.

I came home and got online. Talked to some people and pasted a poem into my profile.

This is how it goes:

Honest accusations

argued untrue

innocent misdemeanor

the mocked are the mimicked with you

Spider of deceit

weaving webs of lies

your words are your companions

that needn't be justified

Unintended murder

of an individual soul

sleeping to smell the coffee

hold tight then lose control

The fire all around you

charrs your flammable heart

nodding your head in agreement

you refuse to play your part

You're so very unbelievable

don't let go of me so soon

an abundance of nothing inside you

Dark light reflects from the moon

Faster still I'm running

spikes pretend to be smooth

from the start of life we begin to die

the mocked are the mimicked with you

I wrote it a while ago, thinking of Ivan at the time, but you know, it really does not remind me of him anymore.

School tomorrow! I can't wait to see everyone!

(_iz

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