I go through phases where everything's okay - I fall through holes where everything is horrible

Today was alright- It's been a while since I really talked about things, people, written a real entry. I think I will now.

So, I thought Nate and a girl... let's call her "girl 1" had a thing. At first it broke me up, it ripped away my scab -(I was healing)- and I cried. Then, slowly, as I thought more, and saw them talking, I figured it was okay. Plus, me and girl one are good friends and I like her a lot- so it's okay, she's a good person, she'd be good to him. THEN. There's speculation about him and someone else, girl 2. I don't know her too well, I don't have any direct correspondance with what is going on there- and THAT bothers me- I know nothing but what I see, and hell... all hell, it hurts horribly. Why can't he just like girl 1? I was okay with that! And they'd be good, I suppose. He's like a different person now. I was looking at that picture of me and him- remembered how he was, and how we were, it feels like that person no longer exists. Not just in my life, but anywhere, it feels like he died, like he up and left, and no one named nate westrick even exists anymore. I am beggining to hate state college- everything reminds me of him, everywhere I go, something reminds me of one of our dumb jokes, something we did, or just the way he was in general. I'm not that hyper, you know. I've been sedate all night, ever since school ended. I went to mock trial and slept, then argued a little with the teacher about the upperclassmen with dead things living in their asses who think they're better than everyone, then I went and shopped.

Shopping is fun, I finalized Maria and Emily's gifts kinda, and I got Rachelle and Amanda's gifts too, (hehehe... there was lipgloss that's like, a paint can, wow, I loved it). I guess I got some other stuff for SC people too? I hope I did, I needed some stuff. Right, I got Hillary's gift, and... man, I hope I didn't forget anyone. Oh! haha I had some good ideas- hey, when you gift shop, do you ever see something and are automatically reminded of an inside joke, or something they said, or you see something you know they'll love and you just have to get it? Yes, that is how I felt about some things. I like to play inside jokes in on gifts sometimes, or atleast in the card. I wanna give a "for example"- but that would ruin someone's gift, well, - hmm. does Laura ever read my diary? I don't think so- I looove this inside joke gift I got her, it's funny, but hmm... nah.

The whole gift isn't inside joke-ish, though- sometimes it's half and half, or whatnot.

Wow, the bus is so boring (going to school) without Sasha. No one but Dan and Ingmar talk, and lately they don't really even talk anymore- they listen to their discmans.

In world cultures today, Danny Prince said that I was influential... (we were talking about recruiting people to vote for either him or Ziho)- I was thinking "whoa!"- that was really cool. If anything, he's influential (in a good way). Whoever bashed me for bashing him was right, we sit next to each other in the computer lab (or atleast, have for the past two days). Danny's such a cool kid.

I finished my article for journalism. It had been originally about the Roar Store thing, how we south building kids can't go to the north during lunch- but it ended up being about the supposed south building roar store. Mrs. Latta, in the interview, touched down on it, then I dug deeper- it was pretty sweet, we might get one there in a few years (which of course, does not benefit us very much since we will be at the north)- but hey! it will cut down on those frosh from coming over to the north roar store, right? Right.

(I am such a horrible hypocrite)

I've been thinking about other guys lately... and guess what, it hasn't been working at all. I want to get over Nate horribly, but it's not working. No one seems better than him, goodness knows the guys I've been checking out are not. Anyone know Vitally? He ...is attractive. He does not know me. Day by day, I'm less interested in Joe Charney, he's pretty hot, but... i dunno. I act like I'm all obsessed or whatnot, but- I don't think about him ever, I don't really look for him in the halls, and I do have half of his schedule, but I haven't bothered to even remotely stalk him. I'm still always in my hallway (the one before the ramp) where me and Nate used to meet up because he has to walk by there to get to classes downstairs, just to see him I guess- I'm living in a little surreality, doing that to myself. Every time I see him, my mood dramatically changes. When mom and I were driving from Altoona last night, she told me to try and avoid him because seeing him makes me think about him, and thinking about him depresses me, if I'm depressed I won't work, if I won't work then my grades drop. So, I need to steer clear of Nate.

Yes- Altoona. I was on the phone with Hillary, just doing whatever in the kitchen, and mom comes in "come on, we're going to the Altoona mall"

it was like, eight o'clock at night. Well, whatever.

We left, got there at like... 9-ish. The ride there was even funny, we laughed and talked and- it's so great talking to her, even though she can be horribly mean, I do like talking to her. We went our seperate ways in the mall- I all of a sudden felt this rush of peace, I felt okay, any feelings of Nate were distant, as if I had left my problems in State College- and in a sense, I did. I walked through the mall, got a small gift for someone, and spent a considerable time in the music store. (those places and the people who operate them fascinate me). Mom and I met up, and I was in the best mood- as happy as I could be when I was as tired as I was. I got some chick-fil-ey (ay?) and we left. She listened to me blab about Nate- I didn't put a lot of feeling into it, though, she doesn't know how hurt I actually was by it, she thinks I'm almost over him, yet somehow she gave very applicable advice.

Speaking of someone who actually knows the whole Nate story, I need to call Laura soon-

You know who is the funniest kid? Ngoni. Wow- he makes me laugh. I wish so much that I had 6th period lunch, it's the funnest, even though I'm not always up to being hyper infront of people anymore (haha Hillary is, though). I'm trying to tone down, apparently hyper isn't good, i don't want to repell anymore people than I already have.

Guh, I would be online right now, but this computer seems to always freeze when I sign on, sometimes it doesn't, I'll try it when I'm done writing.

I have a lot of gifts to wrap, candy canes to get, decisions to make, cards to color and write,- Christmas is wonderful.

I'm not in the spirit at all. Normally, byt late November when you see advertisements for random technology companies that have misteltoe incorporated into the layout- I get excited for Christmas. I'm not this year, not even remotely at all. I'm not denying Christmas or anything, I'm doing my Christmasly duties- buying gifts, wishing people "happy holidays!" and wanting a break from school, basically. Not seeing Nate for a long time, as horrible as that sounds right now, sitting here, alone as usual- it is such a good thing. Not seeing him for a week+ will do wonders. I won't totally get over him, but I'll feel less, it will be better.

We have to go to Pittsburgh on the 2fourth- (three and four keys arent working)- I was gonna sleep over at Laura's that Monday night (player's)- because I'm uh not allowed to go (anyone remember the random guy I gave my number to? Yeah.) But, Hm, luckilly she lives in Stormstown, so they can swing by and pick me up in the morning. Hot stuff.

I want to sign on and talk to people, and if it freezes, I'm calling Laura, but I gotta talk to Hillary about something- maybe I'll call her too? hmm, we'll see... I'm out

Liz

"You'll be doing alright...with your christmas of white... I'll have a blue, blue christmas..."

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