I should be doing my homework- I have so much of it that I think I'm purposely putting it off.

Do we record the past, remmeber it, to learn from it? I don't feel as if I'm learning,- but maybe I have. I'm different.

I wanted to touch the blue wall and sink into it. Become its peace- I heard my mother's voice. It represents total chaos. Not because we fight, but her lack of stability only influences me.

Everything here is so wrong. I feel like I'm sleeping during the day, and randomly I feel like crying. Maybe..not randomly, things set me off. Things that are normally little.

I forced myself to forget about Nate. I don't remember anything about him or us anymore, but I hate being around him. I get this chill, like I'm afraid- does he still have that power over me? Can he break me? I want to scream at him, I can see through all your lies, I want to slap him, to throw things at him happy fucking valentine's day, bastard. I've repressed myself into the belief that it means nothing. AND IT WAS NEVER NOTHING. I was just a joke to him, just some chick with boobs. It doesn't make me angry as much as it depresses me- but at the same time, you know, it doesn't even matter. He's not the best anyone could ever get- even me. True, he's the best I've ever had- but come ON- what have I had before? Compare it. He was only the best because he didn't pick figths with me over stupid stuff like communism and boners.

I duno what's wrong with me. Honeslt.y I'm giving up. I can't get a good guy who won't cheat on me, won't lie to me, who will like me for who I am. Nah.

There is so much stress now. Teachers are piling on work- project after assignment after Big Huge Test. Journals in english. Big Huge Amazingly Big Big project in social studies along with normal class assignments and tests- many many science assignments, stupid island. I dont even know what is going on in journalism anymore. Heath... I missed a day, so there's this packet I need to do, and I haven't gotten it yet. Geometry...wow. Big Old Confusing Project, lots of homework and a test that needs finished.

And I have to run tonight.

Some people are being mean... some people are mad at me. I wish I didn't screw up. I never mean to be a bitch, honestly. I don't want to get into stories.

If I did not raise my voice, then I did not yell at you. If you talk shit about me and I know it for a fact, if I go and ask you about it- ask. in a voice. a calm voice. Not yelling, then I did not 'bitch you out'. Don't tell people I did. You lie- just like so many other people.

I should call Lauren to set that straight... I didn't yell. I wasn't even mad.

It's 6 oclock. I've been online for a while.

Once I go running I'll feel better. I always do. It's so beautiful outside. I want to be happy- I hate this gloomy depression. I want to shake it. I want to cry, maybe something will break the straw- the last one- and I'll cry, just cry for an hour about everything. Friends, Family, Nate, My insecurities, The weather, people being mean, I can't cope-

Just get it all out.

Then maybe It will never come back

and I'll be free

Liz

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