I'm home.

I was really sad when I left Maria's today. I think it's just because... I don't like when things end. I get sad when I leave from vacations, and when I left from camp, I was very sad.

We shopped a little, and I slept in the car. I should have been quality time with dad, and in a way it was. A lot of things that SHOULD be one thing are not, and it's all inside of me. I don't know what's up with me. It feels like there is an underlying...something. It's easily ignored now, and ...

I like to look back at myself months, years, whenever ago and think "wow, I'm so much stronger now, I know so much more, I'm much more capable to deal with those sorts of situations and people"- but, how do I explain NOW? Will I look at the past and see myself as weak, becuase I will always BE weak, or because I actually AM stronger? Do I continually grow, so when I see a weaker version of myself, I actually AM stronger in the present?

I was thinking about school on the car ride home. This feels so unoriginal now that Andrea has talked to me about it, but... it truly was a thought of mine, and by pure coincidence did Andrea happen to feel the same way.

Our lives really are very parallel...

Anyway. I was imagining myself as a student, at my locker, for once thinking about my homework and holding books, instead of wondering how my make up looks and what boys are in my next class. This thought was stemmed from my other new revelation.

When someone would talk about being a vegetarian, I used to think they were crazy.

That was before PETA handed out their "question authority" pamphlets at the warped tour.

When Maria and I sat down before Yellowcard performed, we got those out and read them. I didn't remember anyone handing it to me, nor did I remember taking it off a table... it just appeared in my bag. At first I figured it would be some light reading to pass the time before Yellowcard, ... but it turned out to be much more than that.

There were horrid pictures of poor animals at slaughterhouses and a LOT of information on what is done to them throughout their short, pitiful lives.

They're raised to be killed

for US to eat.

It's disgusting and wrong, it made me want to go storming to a slaughterhouse, kick down the doors and yell "STOP THIS. THIS IS WRONG".

I can't eat that. I cannot support something that is so wrong, so disrespectul to other beings that can experience fear and pain JUST AS WE DO, yet we disregard that as we drive to Burger King and order a few whoppers.

Dad got food for Grandma from long john silver's today. The poor fish...they showed a picture of the fish in the pamphlet. They...looked so much like my fishies, except bigger and silver. That's what got me. My fish, my babies, -

"fish, like all animals, feel pain and experience fear"

the smell of it sickened me.

The only other restaraunt there was KFC. Dad asked if I wanted any chicken... I just got macaroni.

You know, it's tough. It's tough to say "No, no salty crunchy fattening greasy chicken"- something that we've all had and loved because it appeals to our lizard brains. I imagined the poor chickens, cooped up in their small cages...you know. Their feet never touch the ground. They never get to peck for grain or spread their wings, and their beaks are cut off when they are just babies.

I went to PETA2.com tonight to get one of those "free vegetarian starter kits"- and watched two videos. One was from KFC's chicken slaughterhouse. It was horrible... watching their little beaks get hacked off, watching them suffer and die in the small, disgusting confinements. You know... they don't 'waste' veterinary care on those animals. They're going to die, anyway. RIGHT??

The other video was of a bullfight.

They stick long knives into the bull's back before the fight to weaken the bull, the chop off its ears (or something, I couldn't see very well) afterwards...

15 men have died from bullfights, but not ONE BULL has ever survived.

It was absolutely horrible watching them poke that long knife into that bull's back... I had to turn away.

So. I don't know. My family eats a lot of meat, so it will be tough... but I want to do it. I'm going to be a vegetarian, and I might help out with some of PETA's causes. They're an awesome organization... you should all go to their site and check it out. PETA website

I hear sophomore year is party year. I hear it is sex year, as in, if you're a virgin... you won't be. (or atleast there is a good chance of that happening)

I also hear that I want to be GOOD at track, and that I want straight A's and that I want to keep my job

I don't think the two extremes agree very well.

So, there's a choice to be made...I could take the easy way... I could flirt and have sex and party and ....all that. part of me doesn't feel as if I'd actually do that, nor do I think I would fit in with the party crowd that has sex and drinks and smokes. I'm not like that. Sometimes I wish I was, and even in the moments in which I'd kill to be like them, I can't be.

I don't know. I want to make my OWN footsteps, I don't want to follow anybody's or be anyone's shadow. I'm ME, and although I am still trying to figure out who exactly ME is,... I just wanna be content in the meantime. Being "you" is much easier said than done.

I feel as if I have an audience writing this, and I do. It...just..hinders my writing, knowing that everyone is reading it.

LOOK AT MARIAS GBOOK LAYOUT! I don't particularly like that picture of me, I don't like how I look, but the OTHER one I got...which I will make into my own Gbook layout.. I love it:-)

I want to send the pic that I have to Jonessoda.com. They always say on the bottle "send us your pictures" soo.. I might. Who knows. The angle in the pic is pretty sweet.

Hm well, I have another dilemme in my Mountainous Molehill life. Originally, this week I was supposed to have Sunday off. I told Kevin that, and he was going to come down then. Well, Wegmans wonderfully screwed up my schedule, which ended up hurting even them, and I have to work from 2:30-8:30 on Sunday. SO, he gets on tonight and says "well, I was gonna come for the day". and I'm thinking about how awesome that would be if I did not have to work, then I realized that if Kevin MADE UP HIS MIND AND DECIDED WHETHER HE WAS COMING OR NOT, I could easily get out of work and work extra hours some other time. I'd just need to tell them ASAP so they could find someone else to fill in. Kevin CANNOT PULL one of those stupid "I'm not sure if I'm coming!" until like, the hour before he would come, and then say "oh wait, I'M NOT".

The best way to work around this would be to just...ask for my next week's schedule tomorrow, see when I have off, and ask him to come then.

Damnit, he goes on vacation sometime...to Canada.

Wow, now I'm mad at Wegmans for making me work on Sunday.

NOW I WANT TO JUST BABYIST AGAIN...WHAT IS MY PROBLEM. WHYYYYYYYYY can't I have a NORMAL job where I work from like...8-noon or something. THAT IS VERY EASY AND USUAL AND COULD BE DONE EASILY. But nooooo I have a WEIRD JOB that makes me work WEIRD HOURS and makes me have NO LIFE.

Sighhh..can you tell how frustrated I am. ha ha...

and then it just makes me feel incredibly stupid for going out with someone who lives 40 minutes away. Just one of those WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!?! kinds of things.

ick. When does he leave for Canada. Do I know? No. He does but he's away and idle. I think like the 13th or something. I better have monday or tuesday off, or someone dies.

Hm well, I should go to sleep soon... work tomorrow. rahoo.

liz

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