i think i....

im afraid to admit it.....

-but-

I was talking to emily online

and i remembered all the stuff that flyer/chris ever did to her,

like licking her arm

and playing with her feet,

and trying to make out with her.

I remembered how it used to hurt me so much that he was taking false interest in emily, just because marc did too.

and it hurt so bad

because i knew once he liked me for real, not just because i was 'hott' and 'popular' but because i was me, and it was the coolest thing in the world.

now were just friends, and sometimes that's even cooler, because hes easier to talk to now

remembering those things he did with emily, and whitney, and countless other girls. After he signed off and emily signed on, i felt nothing.

literally.

after emily refused to tell me what was going on in USC, i said, 'i dont care what chris is doing to you, so you can tell me'

and she didnt believe me

to tell you the truth, i dont even believe myself.

could i be over flyer/chris?

that would be so cool!

It's odd because sometimes i felt as if i didn't like him, but that was driven by anger and jealousy. the day after i found out about Elaine i thought i didnt like him anymore, but the crappy thing about that is i always ended up liking him more.

It sucked.

but he didnt do anything, and im not mad at him, we talked online today and there ws no *real* fighting, just things he said was 'nothing' but it was actually kind of funny.

he signed off on a good note, and nothing happened.

seriously, ti was a normal convo

I was mad three or four weeks ago, but really, that was so long ago and plus hes not even going to whitneys party, and even if he was i wouldnt care.

really, he should go have fun. I know i will, i have the iMac and the tv and friends here of my own.

this is awesome, i can start over now.

i can be normal

im gonna get all As and the occasional B!

and when i do HW, im gonna only have my mind on the HW!

I DONT LIKE ANYONE ANYMORE!!!!

YESSSSSSS!!!!

And once ive got this jon thing fixed my life will be perfect.

the life ive always wanted

im popular

guys like me

almost everyone ive met is my friend.

my grades are going up

i have a computer and phone in my room

when did this happen?

is it all a dream?

am i gonna wake up, back in usc again, mid-popular, guys hating me, almost no one being my friend but the few people, a boring, dull room, and much, much more negativity?

this is too good to be true.

this can't be happening

sure, i miss my very best friends, maria, jordan and emily. They helped me so much, and i learned so much from them, thats part of why im doing so well

thank you

thank you

thank you!

and flyer/chris, youre a great friend and stupid me for almost really seriously screwing it up.

:-D

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