I'm just sitting here, helpless,...

wishing i didn't love him. wishing I never met hm.

because now I feel dead, lifeless........

chris, chris, you were mine once and i totally screwed it up.

you know, back then, you were the only thing i lived for. you were the reason I got up every morning, you were the reason I smiled when I came to school and laughed and was happy.

You were a part of me, what kept me going.

Now youre hours away, but still, when I think of you, I smile. I still believe that you left a part of yourself with me after I moved, and you have a part of me....

like that Mariah Carey song, 'you'll always be my baby'

Let me be your doormat, that you walk all over. Let me be your dog, that you yell at... i'll be loyal, i'll obey our every command. Let me be your horse, that you strike with a razor-sharp whip

as long as I'm yours, I don't care what I am!

Let me belong to you!!!!

It's too bad i live so far away........Chris I want to be yours again. Why did I have to go and mess it up?!

Why do you hurt me so,...? why do you always send me angry e-mails and say things about me, like, 'bitch,' and 'slut,'?

And here comes dad, yelling at me for answering the phone. Just because mom was trying to call. Shes been in Las vegas for almost a week, and what, I'M not allowed to talk to her? he yells, grow up a little bit!

is that my problem? am i still a little girl? am i immature??

Is that why.....

My eyes are soaking wet.....

how can i express how i feel if no one cares, no one is listening? right now I feel that the only people who care are the ones on diaryland.

My dad is yelling at me. he screams, 'KEEP OFF THAT PHONE OR I'LL BASH YOUR HEAD INTO THE WALL! YOUR MOTHER IS TRYING TO CALL...I DON'T WANT YOU TO COME WITH US TO PICK HER UP...YOU'RE SUCH A PAIN IN THE ASS.... GROW UP A LITTLE BIT!"

and all i did was answer the phone.

Not even knowing that mom was calling anyway..

it rung, i mean, wouldn't anyone's first impulse be to answer it?!

and Chris....

chris is,,....

chris doesn't...

I'm going to cry again

this time i hope m eyeballs fall out along with all my internal organs, and I just sit there... and die....

NO!

i dont want to die...

I just...

I don't know what I want!

I think.. I just want to keep on writing, keep on crying, because it feels good to get it out, it feels good to tell someone, even if it's just someone reading my diary. it feels good to cry if you're really stressed out, it's like getting rid of some of the pain and tension.

I think I'll e-mail someone now, not necessarily caring who

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