you know i just had a sudden inspiration to write about the purple cow.

I was making my bed, when the corner of my eye caught it sitting on a pillow.

It caused me to think of so many things-

Chris. Maria. Maria's party. Kennywood. Emily, jordan, Regen, Corey, Sean, ohh... just the lip gloss smell of tropical fruit and restaraunts down the street.

this I promise you

a weird sense of irony, it just had to come on the radio At This Moment

Oh god- I know i have to move on, and i think i have, but does that mean I have to totally eliminate all of the old memories of days gone by? I hope not.

**and i will take~ you in my arems~ and hold you right where u belong~ till the day my life is through~ this is promise you...**

great timing.

honestly.

**Just close your eyes~ each loving day* though this feeling won't go away~ till the day my life is through~ this is promise you...**

i think I can fight the tears now,

though sometimes I don't want to

I think I can evade the insanity

but do I really need to?

I don't know if I can push away the hurt, and memories and silent tears accompanied by forced breathing and small wishes to be happy and normal again.

I don't know if I ought to, though.

so maybe I'm better off this way

I am tired of blaming all of it on Maria. Sure, a small portion of it is over her, but most of it is just,... because...

because I'm a messed up person, that's 'because'

because I am so extremely torn, because I miss all of my past in upper saint clair but am joyful over my bright yet possibly insane and depressed furure in state college.

They haunt me. make them go away. I cant let them go.

the memories

make them go away. please. I can't stand them. they have born a hole in my stomach so everything else seeps in and my insides screw themselves up....

and my mind wonders what it is to do next, but eventually gives up and shuts down

so I am alive but in some essence I'm dead

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