First things first, before I tell The Story.

I figured out how to get my printer to print. It was a rather obvious solution... but, at one in the morning, all I could worry about was sleeping. Cornflake Girl by Tori Amos is way amazing.

Anyway, on to the Ivan story. Yep, I'm gonna write it in here, almost all of it. Some of it I still don't think would be good to add to my diary that other people read.

There is so much more I could start off from, ... like, back in the beggining of the school year more, but I'll go from New Year's eve.

Peter, Abbie, me, Ivan and Zack were all at Abbie's house. It was fun, and even more fun after some things happened that, needless to say, people were talking about for the whole rest of that week. Anyway, back to new year's eve. I talked to Ivan, Peter and Zack on the phone last night. "You taste good", one of the dumb things I said... and of course, Zack heard, and that was broadcasted to the whole school before you can say shoe.

We all went back to school on Wednesday, and of course, everyone knew about a tidbit here and there. Abbie wasn't pleased, but all the rumors, all of them made me happy because if I could choose a set of rumors to be about me, those would be close to the top of my list. You have no idea how much I wanted this kid. On Thursday, I find out all fricking over again just how good he tastes. Friday... I still don't want to write about Friday. Friday night was amazing. Peter, Ivan, Grant (Peter's friend from Champaign), and I went downtown, that was probably one of our funnest downtown trips ever. I remember being in Panera and discussing previous occurences with Ivan, he was sitting on a chair with me. Grant and Peter were sitting across from us, Peter on the couch and Grant in the other chair. they tried to leave us, lol, we were sitting there talking to each other in hushed tones, little did Ivan know that later that night, or I think, the next day, I was going to tell Peter everything...

Saturday and Sunday- Shit days, I remember up and down emotions and wanting to sleep and never wake up.

Monday was... hmm, oh, right, we didn't have school on Monday. Went downtown with Peter and Ivan. Was moderately fun. Then we went to Peter's house... I remember Ivan saying to Peter, (I was sitting right next to Peter at the time), "I'm lonely, who do you think would go out with me besides Abbie and Liz?" He looks at me, then back at Peter.

Can we say "Prick"?

Anyhow, we went home, almost all the way there my dad yelled about my "6 MINUTE CELL PHONE CALLS?? WHO HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO?!!??"

Tuesday, nothing was much different, except, I guess Iooked "hotter" than usual or something. Ivan told me so numerous times, and Peter told me once. Ivan tasted good on Tuesday too. :groan:. I really, really wanted him.

Wednesday- Wednesday was fun. He talked to me a lot in the halls, and I was happy. Frickin stupid tasted good then too. He said a lot of things that maybe he should not have said, but I don't want to repeat them. They weren't bad,... rather the opposite, but, whatever. Finally coersed him into going out with me that night online, or atleased it seems coersed to me.

Thursday- Thursday was amazing!!! No fights, nothing bad. He had my name on his hand (which did scared me) and he said he liked me a lot (which also scared me). But.. it was all good, and for once that's not an overstatement

Friday- I can actually remember the "fallen down and can't get up" feeling. He half-assedly avoided me, and all that good stuff. He was on a field trip though, and I didn't see him after 8:30. Was slightly pissed in first period, so while waiting 22 and a half minutes for stupid test results, I rambled on to Peter about Ivan, the Dupont, the retarded science lab, and all that good stuff. After science was over, I concentrated more on my composition for music and performing, so the whole "mad at the world" facade died down. Of course, it's typical that Peter would tell Ivan that I was seriously pissed at him all day. And, knowing Ivan, he'd believe Peter, because any negative thing someone else says I did just HAS to be true, but when a positive thing comes straight from my own mouth, he never believes me.

Friday night just sucked. First off, he was totally talking to and flirting with everyone else but me, even with Peter. Andrea, Sasha, Peter, Nicole (Coly), Ivan, Abbie, Jess and I were all there. Not our usual group, but they were fun for a bit.

He was telling all the girls how they were his "ho's" and stuff. I asked him "Can I be your ho?" and he said "No, you're my girlfriend!" and I wanted so bad to say "Coulda fooled me" or "Really? Wanna try acting like it?" but, I didn't, only because he'd get very mad at me and things would get even worse.

I would soon come to realize, no matter how hard I tried (or didn't try), things were destined to get worse.

He accused me of "having something" (cheating on him) with Peter. What was he THINKING?! Peter!?! Crazy, I swear. He goes on and on about it, too. Then, when him and Abbie go off to talk, I make one comment about him and her making out and he gets all "You don't trust me, I don't like or respect that," and such. He had talked to a lot of people, like Andrea, but I honestly thought nothing of that, because, I don't know, I don't think Andrea likes him like that, and if she does, she's crazy and wrong. (I'm bringing that point across, slowly but surely).

Ivan-Chris- where was the difference that Friday? I didn't want to say that to him though, because I knew that he'd get seriously pissed, the kind of pissed that almost only females on PMS can posses.

I wasn't mad at him the whole night, I was kind of annoyed, wondering why he wasn't talking to me and all, and irked at the whole running off with Abbie thing. So, I said two things to Peter "Oh, I'll bet they're making out somewhere," and "He's acting like Chris!"

Count on Peter to tell Ivan that I was mad at him all night, and that I thought he was lower than Chris.

-Peter- I tell him next to nothing now, and if I tell him anything, it's always followed with a "DON'T TELL ANYONE!.. please...!"

I talked to Ivan, well, more listened to him on the couch before we all left. As much as I tried to tell myself that it maybe helped, it didn't, and nothing would help, as I would find out on-

-Saturday. Sasha, Peter and I were waiting in Kaufmanns for Abbie. Sasha told me she had told Ivan, whom I had tried calling around noon on that day and he wasn't home. Anyway, Ivan walked in and said, "I feel like pissing people off today," and he sat down on the mall map sign. I could tell from his facial expression and what he had said that that day was not going to be a good one.

I said "Sasha and I are going.." and Peter said "Can we follow?" and I said, "Well, Peter, you can, and if Ivan decides he wants to be in a good mood and not piss people off, then he can too,"

Ivan got pissed himself, and stormed off.

Sasha, Peter and I were walking around, and we saw Ivan in Pac sun

attempt #1 to talk to Ivan. I say hey you, he looks in the opposite direction. You know, i think- yes, we had met up with Abbie by then. He said "Hi Abbie!", totally blowing me off and shows her a shirt. I find out later what the shirt says. I walk away to go comisserate with Peter and Sasha outside.

Attempt #2 to talk to Ivan. Peter, Sasha and I go inside Pac Sun and find Ivan looking at shoes. Abbie is in the process of pulling off the tacks in some of the ones on the racks. I say "Hey, Ivan, what's up?" He says "ntmchmm" kind of mumblish towards me, then says "Hey Peter, these shoes are amazing!" or something like that. A salesperson comes over and tells Abbie that it is wrong to pull out tacks from display shoes, then kicks all of us but Ivan out of the store.

Ivan comes out and he was about to walk off...

Attempt #3- "Ivan, seriously, we want you to hang out with us, come on, let's go" and we go to some other store, I think the bookstore. Sasha, Abbie, Peter and I look at calendars. Peter went over to Ivan, talked to him, then came back and looked at the Playboy calendar.

Attempt #4- I walk over and sit down in front of Ivan, who is looking at some books. "Hey you, what are you looking at?" I ask. he says some random title, then I say "Oh, what's that about?" and he gets all "You don't know what it's about? This book is a classic!" I make one slip-up and say "Sorry, If I didn't have the wonderful childhood that you had, Ivan". He gets his 'Ivan is annoyed and pissed' expression on, and says "Wonderful? WTF are you talking about" and stuff. Anyway, I commented on some books, hoping maybe he'd say something, but, he didn't, and we all left.

I don't feel like talking about the rest of it, it's long. The basic gist of the day was Ivan wouldn't even make eye contact with me, let alone talk to me.

I got online that night and he said "Liz, I was doing that you did to me on Friday, I was acting like I wasn't your boyfriend,"

Can we say- "hypocrite"?

But, anyway, I bent over backards and squashed my self-respect and dignity to fix whatever was wrong, and we "moved on". (hah).

Monday. Fallen. Desperately want to get up, but can't. Everything was good-bad-good-bad, the sheer definition of roller coaster. Abbie tells me in gym, "I wasn't supposed to tell you this, but Ivan said on Saturday that he really likes you, but he likes Christin Siprinski"

"Like hell he really likes me," I said, looking over to see Ivan and Christin talking on the other side of the gym. Now I have fallen and I know I'll never get up, so I'm going to give everyone a hard time about it. He was mad at me, he was happy, he was mad at me, he was happy. I was confused, I was happy, I was mad at Bruno, I was exhuberant, I was angry at the world. The day came to an end, but I won't forget the things said.

"You know, you talk about people a lot!"

I didn't think about this until later, but he talks about people all the time! It was always "Mazie this, Christin that, Sasha and Peter this, Zack and Whitney that, Conor and Whitney, and any one of those other "ho's" that he talks about 22/7". And also, what ELSE is there to talk about with him?! He's only interested in the music that I'd never touch with a ten foot pole, and sports. I don't like or dislike sports, being basketball, they're just.... there. But anyway, he has NO ROOM to talk when it comes to gossiping, because he hears it, transforms it, then tells a lot of people. So, basically, look who's talking. I remember standing there while he was complaining about something else, and watching him talk. He looked so short, and so ... so inexperienced with that thing called life. All of a sudden, the arguments, his drivel, compaints, accusations, they all seemed so childish. I remember thinking, "will I ever get a mature boyfriend?"... Everything, just so dumb, so pointless, so idiodic.

Tuesday was bad. We didn't talk, I told a story about something stupid that happened that day, he said "That's not what I heard," and I said "Of COURSE it's not, because I HAVE to by lying, right Ivan?" and he walked away. I gave up just then. I had been noticing... over the prior few days... he had seemed ... so, so immature, childish, little, dumb... and I wanted nothing to do with it.

Today: Dumped him in choir. Went out with Will, because I figured, what the hell, he likes me, and Abbie practically made me do it anyway. I don't care about Will that much, so this won't hurt me, nor will I let myself ever care about Will, because, it won't hurt me. Ivan went around yelling "MAN, I AM SO HAPPY SHE DUMPED ME AND NOW SHE'S GOING OUT WITH WILL MILLS A-HAHAHAAHAHAAH!!" and other things to that effect. I thought it was one of the most childish and immature things I had ever seen in a long time. He IMed me telling how happy he was, and all of that. I should have said something along the lines of, "If you're so happy with me being out of your life, then why are you even talking to me?"

***

Now to the recent. What does all this blocking and avoiding have to say about my "character"?. Well. It says that I'm fed up. I'm giving up. It says that I'm tired of this pointless fight, this empty accusaton, I don't want to have to live with this anymore. All these stupid, meaningless ideas and words that come from your mind, all of them that have to do with me, they're so little, so meaningless, so empty. That's why I smiled, that's why I didn't counter very much of what you said, that's why I walked away quietly and remorselessly, because what you said hit zero on the liz insult scale. I see you're telling Sasha how much she doesn't matter, did it ever occur to you that you don't matter either? That, all the self-centered and cocky comments you make, all the unjustified and false accusations and *observations* you make about people, we hear it so much that it starts to mean less and less, until people think "Well, there's Ivan, insulting another random person who didn't do anything again,"... People have actually said that too.

Stop making me feel twinges of sorry for you in your IM. I don't want to feel that at all because of everything, everything.

Something that someone said to me today, which really made me think of you, Ivan, was:

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

That's why I can never bring back things you said or did, Ivan, because I am one to say "It happened, can't change that fact, let's move on," but, I always remembered how angry or sad you'd make me.

There was more I was planning on writing here. It is currently 8:47. I started this entry at 4:32, taking many breaks along the way, I'm no longer mad at Ivan, but I had to get that out, and the story, now I'm off.

(_iz

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