Everything is going so wrong and I've had it... This is my diary and I'm gonna talk about what is troubling me. don't like that? don't read it.

Little things first.

I know Zack dislikes me for one reason or another, I hear he thinks I whine or something- whatever, let him think that... I've got other stuff to worry about, although I wish we weren't on odd terms, he's a cool kid.

Um, Ivan, I dunno, we're not good, we're not bad... he's taking Brett's side but... eh so is everyone else on the face of this earth, damnit even my cat hates me.

I guess me and Peter are cool. If we're not it'd be nice to know, but I don't think I've done anything.

I wasn't ignoring Max tonight. You can't ignore someone if they are not trying to talk to you... it's like telling someone to shut up when they are not talking. He made no efforts at a conversation so why should I? why is everything on my shoulders, how is this my fault? Brett, you aren't above me and you can't tell me what to do. If you'd like to be a friend and talk to me and give me an idea as to whatis going on sure, go ahead. Think I'm conceited? Think it. You don't have a reason to, but oh well. It'd be great if ya didn't go around telling everyone, but hey. Nothing I can do but wish you didn't always pretend to be my friend then talk crap about me. Why should I have to explain myself to you? Why do you judge me? What kind of friends do this sort of thing. Guess what? I'm conceited. Yep, i admit it. You can go tell everyone now, that I even called myself :gasp!: conceited, so it's true, right? But if I were to call myself down to earth and nice, you'd all say "Pah! What does she know about herself, the conceited bitch"

i'm not very angry anymore,there is only one thing that still gets me- how someone said "Liz, Max defends you so much. You know, without him you'd be dead,"

First off, I don't need Max to fight my battles. I'm strong on my own, although stronger with him on my side, but I can do this by myself, if only you'd just confront me instead of adding more skeletons to your overpopulated ccloset. And also, why would I be dead? I've done nothing that horrible to you that you'd have some sudden urge to murder me, have I? I don't even know who I am talking to right now- I guess whoever is dumb enough to assume that without Max, I'd be dead. Well, guess what. I wouldn't be. I'd be very much alive. You'd have no reason to be angry with me, as I said before I've done tnothing to you, I've honestly been trying to be friends with people, but apparently I am trying too hard.

Conceited bitch? Yeah that's me. So, you all wanna take the initiative to tell this conceited bitch all the beef you've got with her, or do you find a pleasure in telling everyone else, and talking about how horrible, how mean she is? Do you like hurting her and making her unhappy? Nah, you just like the 'respect' you get for noticing a fault in someone. Remember way back in the schoolyear when you all accused me of talking about people behind their backs, and shunned me to the point where I went to the nurse's office for three periods, too confused to cry but too sad to think. Friends! Great fun they are. Hypocrytes, you are doing exactly what you have always accused me of doing.

I was thinking a lot when I came home and after I talked to Max on the phone when it came to me. Brett was still holding the grudge from Metro those many weeks ago, when they all assumed so much that they'd have no way of knowing the full truth. You were just looking for a reason to pounce on me, weren't you? You were waiting for this to happen so you could talk about what a bitch I am and have reasonable proof to back up your claim. You'd rather shoot yourself then give me a ride home? Well guess what, I never asked you.

I want answers. I'm tired of this pretending, I want to know why everyone gets so hung up about little things I do, or on this case, little things they think I do. (ex: ignoring Max when he never tried to talk to me anyway). Why must you make what goes on between me and Max you business, anyway? You're not involved and you never were. You're only causing trouble by telling me what to do, and you're not so far above me that you can order me around. You're not below me, either, don't get me wrong. I just don't understand why, or how you can dislike me for so long, and tell everyone how I'm a conceited bitch, but then when you see me, "Hey Liz! What's up?"- just like the good friend you had me fooled into beleiving you were.

***

Alright... that's enough of that... Shelby and Allison have nothing to do with all that crap, they're still really amazing people who have done nothing wrong (to my knowledge... haha, just kidding). I hope this stupid thing with Brett won't affect our friendship... I'm gonna miss them when they are gone:-(.

Hmm, so what good things have been going on? Mom is finally signing Teddy and I up for art camp... I'm taking photo arts and wheel-thrown pottery... luckilly mom has connections at the college, otherwise I doubt I'd be able to get into any of them so late. Grr... I need to read more, get my mind off of crap, but then again, I'm so excited for highschool. I know it will be really fun. I just hope that none of the drama that is infecting the summer will spread to the schoolyear... that'd really be raining on a parade, eh? I'm gonna lie low for August anyway. Hopefully get my act together and figure out why everyone thinks I'm conceited, and stop doing whatever it is. Well hey, everything's not so bad- People can only make you feel inferior at your consent, Elenoar Roosevelt said that I think. So, people could only make you feel worse about yourself the same way, right? Right. So I'm going to try to stay positive and think about the good things, like when Shelby and Al come back, and highschool. Sorry boys, didn't work this time. You can go talk about me all you want, I'm not gonna mope (or whine anymore... sorry Zack!)

Ah I should stop being a bitch to people and lighten up... this isn't such a bigdeal, this entry is all a "blowing off steam" thing.. I think I might either delete it or move it to relizzles.

I just hope that if Brett, Zack, Ivan- anyone... if they have a problem with me, don't go around in groups talking about it, I know you do, I'm always there when you do it to about other people. One of you says "Damnit, this person ALWAYS does this and it's so annoying" and the rest put in their two cents, (in this group's case it's more like five cents).. and soon enough, if someone with them didn't have a problem with the subject of the conversation before, they do now.

But then again, maybe I'm flattering myself. Maybe they don't talk about me- I mean, I'm so sure they have worlds of better things to talk about. So I shouldn't get to hung up about this... I'm gonna go get something to drink, haha... but in the end I know everything will be alright, this is just a roadblock;-)

Liz

0 comments so far