whoa nelly

Myyyy haiiirrr is not blonde at all anymore... it actually wasn't what I was planning at all but that's alright... um, it got dark auburn brown with chunky red highlights... i was thinking more along the lines of keeping the blonde but ah oh well. I've been planning this for so long, but I couldn't get an appointment until today. ... she did my eyebrows too... and I go through minutes where I absolutely love them, and then I wish I had my old eyebrows back... because they don't look the same. At all.

Hmm... I'm gonna jump on the bandwagon and declare my peace with everyone... that doesn't mean I don't still harbo hard feelings for anyone, or wish anyone were dead (ex: mack mixon), but I'm not fighting with anyone and I intend on keeping it that way.

GUAHHHHHHHHH Phil and Shelby broke up. He's not allowed! I'mma knock the kid out, that's so not fair. she is the best he will ever get, in comparison to who has liked him before she did. I'll bet he'll be all jealous when she has some stud boyfriend in highschool... see what you're missin now? lol

I know what I'm wearing to the first day of school... I don't know what I'm doing after, I'm gonna hang out with someone i know... who wants to go home at like,11? Hmmm...

guah... the summer is coming to a close... oh, I'm listening to 101.1 and a band, Pennywise was just on... Ivan used to be obsessed with them. I shouldn't even write about Ivan, he never writes about me... I guess I'm one of those people that resorts to the past when the present just... sucks

Wow, okay... haha I started writing the entry, then went downstairs to watch some TV and now I'm gona continue

Well, I did a facial today and my skin feels all nice... I can't believe school is coming so soon... guah but it's going to be awesome... tomorrow I'm going to Plato's I guess, then to a tanning bed which is close to Plato's, and stuff... and then I guess I'm gonna go home, take a shower... Lauren will come over and we will get ready to go to Abbie's party (muh! I need to get her a gift!). It should be fun

Then, there's monday... labor day. Maybe it will be sunny so I can lay outside... I dunno what I'm doing Monday, maybe hanging out with people, we'll see.

Hm. School... yeah, one out of two things that is constantly on my mind... well, there are other things, but they tend to be less prominent. I wonder if I shall ever have a boyfriend ever. I'm all sad in thinking I won't, and I'm doomed to just be single until I die. I'm the kind of girl that the Sean Brannigans of the world try to get head from bby saying things like "you looked soooo hot today" or something. But noone else shows any sort of interest. It's coming to the point where I'm going to change my name to something like "Luscious Rasperry" and destine myself to work in lesbian porno magazines.

The thinks I think.

Uh, yeah, but it'd be nice to not be so freaking single for the rest of my life... while all my friends have boyfriends on and off and I'm the ugly duckling with noone, that's how it's always been... maybe things will change someday(?) ... anyone remember that one day in Metro, when I left, and you all made a hugeass deal out of it, then wouldn't talk to me and made me feel even worse- there's so much you all don't know about me, there are so many reasons for the things I do, and it's not due to vanity or self absorbance. You go try being who I was and who I am, in USC and here sometimes... it's not fucking easy being the dork, the loser, who just hangs around, and that's all I've ever been... I should shut up about this... I'm not mad... yeah, one thing leads to another I guess, and when I was called conceited then, I wanted to gag myself. I rememeber thinking "ME??!??!! Conceited?!?!? What the hell've I got to be conceited with?!?!" and they weren't the first people to throw that accusation at me... I suppose I've never wanted anyone knowing how weak I can be, the people here, because I know most of them get a sick thrill from exploiting other's weaknesses... or atleast mine. They like doing it... fuck, I hate thinking about this, I rememeber everything. You can't ever forget feeling that way, as if someone started poking at a bruise, and wouldn't stop, and kept doing it until you cried... and that would only satisfy them... I guess that's how I view a lot of people who put me down in eighth grade. I didn't know how to handle it, I didn't know what to do. The social hatred felt like a baloon of pressure all over me, and I wanted to cave in, just to break and die... it hurt so much thinking everyone hated me for something, for one of my insecurities, for a weakness... I hate being weak. Every once in a while I pull myself together and I'm fine, I'm strong and anything any of those people say or do bounces off me, and they get discouraged, and move on to find a new victim... while I move on to find new friends. Not 'friends', but Friends. Sometimes though, I'd be having a bad day... like Valentines day.. (FYUVDA;bnpsfngb;fdsbOLNBSELFKNB)... I was thinking about it today while I was cleaning my room. It popped in my head when I was hanging sweaters in my closet, and looked up on the rack and saw a dried white rose. Where did that come from? Oh, Ivan... when? Valentinesday...(PSINGER;NBKETL;NSDVFUCKWOGH;BKNELHBN!!!WS!!![OEBSLDF;VJ!!!!)... yeah... with Abbie... fucking long fucking fuck story fuck fuck. but after Abbie blatantly giggled in my face "Ivan loves me! GIGGLE!" ( AND NOT YOU! GIGGLE! GIIGL`WPBHN;SFKBNSLKNIMABITCH[WNBFSSFLKBNFLX.GIGGLE!)... well I was walking back to my locker, angry at the world and then Lindsay Auman yells something to me, something about me stuffing my bra or whatnot... I didn't say anything back as she laughed and walked away... I just wanted to cry until my eyes spilled out blood or something. But, if I were to go back, I'd scream down that hallway "Shut up, you stupid BITCH"... and if she'd come to "kick mah sluttah lil' fuckin ARSE!" or something, I'd run into the nearest room and just stand there infront of everyone... no biggie... I'd even take the punishment for yelling bitch... all because I did it, all because I got it out- and she wasn't the only bitch through my perspective that day... everyone was, even myself.

you knowwhat? I shouldn't be writing about this... but I kinda feel like getting this all out... yeah noone has to read this. (it's my diary, don't read if you don't want to, uh, kiss my ass or something, etc)

I've already harped enough about that one time "I was talking about everyone behind their backs"... actually, well no I haven't... and I talked to Zack about it like it was all his fault or something but it wasn't... it was everyone... Thinking about this day still makes me want to cry, still makes me wonder WHY THE FUCK I EVER NEEDED TO HANG OUT WITH THOSE JUDGEMENTAL, STUPID, BITCHY PEOPLE who did that to me, who'd do that to anyone to have SOMETHING TO FUCKING GOSSIP ABOUT. As you can tell... I'm still hurt from it, I like to hold things in. I'm not the type who can go up to someone and say "I need to talk to you" and then explain to them what they've done and how they hurt me, and ask maybe why they did it, and figure out a solution. No, I can't do that... Abbie did it... long story, but me and her are so tight now, just because we let Ivan get between us- never again dude you can have him, I can get better... (that's another thing, what is 'better' for me, is worse for her sometimes and what is better for her i wouldn't want...) so, i;m not saying that ivan's some sort of low life form that no one should want, I'm saying that me and him definitely did not go, and i need someone who goes with me better... him and abbie were good, i don't know why the hell i wanted him and then let him bash me over the head with heavy objects many times.

That's enough bad 8thgrade reminiscing... I want to remember good things now

like, when I went out with Trevor Shipley people were automatically nicer to me, and all these random populaHH people started talking to me-AND IT ALL WENT TO MY HEAD... looking back on it, I used to watch what I wore because nothing seemed good enough anymore, and I like ignored all my old friends and seperated myself from people, I was such a snob for those three weeks and I thought I was *so cool*... yeah I'm not doing that again ever... first off, no guys want to date me, let alone popular guys, second off, I never want to feel like I'm better than everyone... I'm not, and it sucks the way you're reacted to.

I'm so curious about 9th grade... what problems I'll face, if I'm ready, if I'll get involved with any guys at all, (I wish I wish I was a fish, or rather, a pretty girl. mah). Who will be my friends? Will I have a group? Will I actually hang out with guys? I want some real guys who don't give a fuck about anything... I like guys like that, who just don't care at all. Some guys I know used to be like that, but now they're not:-/... ah oh well, I don't ever see them anymore.

I can't wait to make new friends... a new group, people totally unassociated with anyone I hung out with from 8th grade, so those people won't have to hear about how I "two face, like, everyone! LMAO! harhar" or "like OMFG she talks about EVERYONE behind their effin backs! LOL we like HATE HER lol haha" "like, lol! loook at usss, we're talking about HER behind HER back when SHE talks about US, we know it because well, someone said she did! well, someone who said someone else heard from THEIR MOTHAH that she did, so it's like lmao omfg so true RIIGHHTZZ??"

....yeah. so new friends is definitely on the checklist.

I feel so mean writing this... another thing I'm going to start when 9th grade starts is trying to never insult anyone... yeah 9th grade hasnt started yet, so if you're offended by what I've written so far... uh, that's your problem. Obviously I don't care about contorting myself to keep your friendship anymore. If you think anything here applies to you, then you hurt me. A whole fucking lot. You deserve for me to laugh at it merrily in my diary. Yeah, I was laughing typing that, especially the "omfg RIGHTTTZZ" part.. it was great... I'm happy I can look back on how horrible I felt and feel okay now.

Anyway... who knows what next year will bring? New friends, new conflicts, new resolutions, new grudges, new 'loves', new pain, new hapiness, a new me, a new everyone. I'm happy a lot of the people who used to be so immature about everything seemed to have grown up so much, and they care more about what's really important. The big picture. Life after highschool. wow! Possible? Hah.

Yeah... well, this entry has gotten a lot of beef out from 8th grade and there's more probably but I can'tthink of it now. Noone ever knows when they hurt me, I don't tell them, I want peace. but, I'm bursting, I don't want harbored anger from a pervious year to taint the coming one.

I feel like there is a clock slowly ticking away, and I can't wait! I want it to come! But also, i'd like some mroe lazy summer days at home with Teddy, watching tv, making plans to go to the mall... we didn't use the bike path nearly enough. Early in the summer when I had friends and we'd hang out all the time, when I was one'a them, when life was full of suprises... but hey, we all change. I'm not sure if it was Andrea's main diary or her other one, but she was talking about not living in the past about losing closeness with someone, or something to that effect- hey, we're still friends, so it's all good. I was sad for a while that we weren't as close anymore, and I sometimes wish we still were... but it's okay, I have close friends still. Lauren, Abbie, Becky, and some other PF people... shit, I'm gonna miss 8th grade. As much as I'd never want to go back to it ever, I'll still miss it.

what a long-ass entry! I still have a room to clean, and a life to live... if anyone got pissed of by my diary, please just talk to me, don't go around telling everyone "hey look at liz's diary! what a BITCH!". but then again, the only people who would get pissed off by what I said would never miss a chance to talk about lil ole me. I guess I'm that important! :puffs hair:

hmmm... well, I'm tired and I have clothes to put away still...

as angry and mean as I can be, I love you all

9th grade. ready, set, go-/

Liz

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