In the rain...the pavemnent shines like silver...all the lights, are misty in the river...

TWO months ago, in about an hour or so, I get dumped.

It's sad that I still know this, it's sad I still care, it's sad how much he lied to me, how many times I believed him, it's sad this should matter to me. I shouldn't give a shit about his lies, about how conniving he thinks he is- I almost wish that I couldn't see right through him, I wish I was fooled by his obvious bullshit.

The only reason I ever liked this new guy is because I was trying to get over Nate. It kinda worked. I'm not stuck on him, or whatnot. I don't ever go out of my way to see him anymore, he really doesn't mean much to me. It's just getting me down...how there is nothing to move on to, how I feel like I'm going to be a damned old maid for the rest of my life, or atleast for the rest of 9th grade.

Hell. I've been single for 2 months now. Last year I don't think I went more than ONE month single. There was always someone else- and they were always in Park Forest! You'd think, with the hugely larger selection in the highschool that SOMETHING, anything would come up. NAH. Am I THAT ugly? Honestly. I WANT LONG HAIR AGAIN. This is bothering me. It's gotten to the point where I want to buy a wig...and have long hair. I hate my face. I hate my huge nose, my awkward lips, my left eye. My pale skin. My boyish hair. My gross, retarded hips. I want to wear a bag over my head and baggy sweatshirts and sweat pants so noone cn see my distorted body. Why can't I have pretty eyes, EYES THAT LOOK THE SAME, with a small nose, normal lips, skin with some color... longer, much longer hair- and a skinny waist. What of those can plastic surgery fix? Uh, the nose. Maybe the lips, maybe I'll grow into them. Can it fix my weird, mishaped eye? Possobly. I can go get a tan... and get skin cancer. WHO CARES. I can get a wig... or extensions or something.Every heard of bone shaftes? Shafts? When they remove bones or parts of them? Maybe I can get those side bones, the gross ones that make me look fat- maybe I can get the tops cut off. Would I die?

Who cares. Well...actually I do care. Which makes- one person caring about whether I die or not from a bone shafte.

Actually, parents might care. Whatever.

I heave a headache from all the eyebrow-lifting. I have to hold them up so they look curved, otherwise I look like someone put invisible clothespins on them and they're all gross and poochy right above my eyes.

I didn't go running last night... I fell asleep. I want to tonight, but since I'm such a lazy ass, I probably won't.

Valentine's day is coming. I was just reading my older entries from last year... I was hurt then, too.

Talking to my grandma on the phone made me feel better... it's her birthday.

Chris Salera and I broke up on the 6th of December. Just one day after.

I should be happy. If I had long hair it would all be alright. This short hair makes me feel so masculine, so horrendously ugly.

It's so dark outside. It's always so dark. Someone put black glass over the sun- it's so dark, it's so dreary. I feel as if I'm stuck in a world of remorse...a bad movie set. It's so dark.

I should make that into a layout.

Just that... at the top. "it's so dark"

I like my layout now, though. It makes me happy.

There.. I just took like 5 "window pictures" of my layout. I'm gonna start saving the HTML from my layouts and the pictures and making folders of them...so incase I wanna go back to it, it's there. I wish I would have always done that, I had some pretty sweet layouts back in the day.

I think I'm feeling better. Should get most homework done so I can go running soon... it's getting dark. For some reason, I preffer running in the dark- then again. It's always dark.

How could it be possible to perceive so much darkness, to see it every day, to be around it... and yet, keep your mind within - light? How do you preserve beauty like that? There are moments. There are positive things that happen... that lead me to remember, once, the world was beautiful to me once. Things used to be perfect. Before my haircut...before Nate. Things were perfect.

The sun is almost totally gone, although it wasn't around much in the first place.

I always eat so much now. I don't know if it's because I actually am hungry, or if I'm dousing my depression...trying to make it go away, trying to fill up that hole inside of me- with..food? Some people do it. I think I do as well.

Why can't I see myself with anyone anymore? Picturing myself in my mind with anyone..it's just gross to me. Perhaps because I consider myself gross. Why would anyone want me? I don't even want myself.

All day I think of being something else- like a famous singer, rock star, actress, something. I'm always beautiful in my mind, I'm skinny, and my face is perfect.

I tink I've gotten over my insecurity with my voice. I don't mind it anymore.

Other than that.

I've seriously considered locking up this diary now..just because all my biggest insecurities have just been stated. Nowww everyone knows why I act the way I do, sometimes, or maybe they don't, maybe I'm being stupid, no, my biggest insecurity? The way I am? No.. it's all in the way I look right now.

I think I'm just tired. Normally when I'm more awake, I don't care. I have work to do. People piss me off. I'm not a happy camper right now, that's where the roots of my problems are. It's all inside of me. YOU CREATE YOUR OWN HELL.

OKAY whattodonow. I have to finish homework... shit, stupid effing world cultures. English as well. Math... I'll either do late night tonight or tomorrow 6th period. I love staying up late doing homework.- it's so much better than coming home and doing it. Why? Beats me.

hmmm..things are feeling a bit happier. I'm gonna get my English definitions then go running.

Love....

Liz.

)In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight

And all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind

That I'm talking to myself and not to him

And although I know that he is blind

Still I say, there's a way for us

I love him(

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