today, I finished painting my pac sun pants that I had cut up with Andrea. They look awesome.

It was great painting them...sitting on my bed with the little things of acryllic, listening to Tori Amos (who is my idol, by the way)... it was really nice. I should do things like that more often.

I also pulled in a tank top that was too loose for me... and did a really good job, I think.

I should do that more often as well.

While running at the Y today, I was thinking about sophomore year... I have all these high standards set for myself, all these things I want to do and places I want to go,-

and, I'm doubting myself. Deep in the dark caverns of my mind, I'm doubting that I can be this awesome 400 runner, even if I train, and I'm doubting that I'll get straight A's, ... there is so much that I want to do.

And, I'm not alone, I know it.

Just think for a minute. How old are we? gonna be sophomores. Can you IMAGINE all the places WE CAN GO WITH OUR LIVES?! It's infinite, and it's scary, it's exciting, it's breathtaking. All the things we can do, people we can meet, if we REALLY want to.

Maybe I've been feeling better lately, maybe I've been seeing inside, past what I look like and what I feel about other people and the normal, usual things I think. It's not all about how hurt I was anymore, it's not about him, or anyone, ...

So, where am I REALLY going?

I remember that sudden inspiration I got a few months ago while walking to my locker from science class. Psychologist, I want to be a psychologist

but, now I'm not very sure anymore.

I'd love to sing, like Tori Amos, or Alanis Morsette. They are incredible.

Jewel would have been on that list, but... not now. I can't find the right words to express how I feel about her changing her style. She was so passionate, and her music came from her heart. It was all about the meaning of her lyrics, and how they influences other's lives and her own.

Now it's about her being skanky and making pop music

So basically, she sold out.

Tori Amos... she is incredible. Her music is so inspiring and passionate, I'd kill to be half the artist that she is. Alanis Morsette... more rough around the edges, but still speaks her mind through her lyrics, or atleast from Jagged Little Pill. I'm not amazingly fond of the newer things she's put out, but JLP was incredible and will always be one of my favorite CD's.

And then, there is painting. I'm not talking about classical portraits or scenery, I mean, cutting things up and going crazy and just having fun with it. That wouldn't make a career, but it would be an excellent hobby. It is right now. Along with sewing. When it comes to clothes with me, they're directly related.

I was thinking about next year's art fest. Maybe I could make some clothes over this year, and have a little booth, or something. That would be really cool.

So, while running, I began thinking about the 400 and track this year. It's meaning more and more to me, and it's something I want to work at so I'm actually good. I don't know. The 400 now has this meaning to me, beyond just being 'good' at it, beyond some hobby that I think is fun, because, running is NOT fun. I know some would say "But you're on track! shouldn't you think running is fun?"

Well, I don't. I hate running long distances over the land, which is why I could never do xcountry.

The feeling that I get when I've finished the 400 in a race... it's unexplainable. You have had to have BEEN IN THAT POSITION to understand what I'm talking about... you're WHIPPED and at the same time, so alive, because YOU DID IT.

And, I want that again. Except...not from the slow heat, or the medium heat... I want to be one of the best, and I'll work for it. This isn't chickenshit to me anymore.

And then, the grades. I don't know. I want the A's SO BADLY. There will be no more of this 'allowing myself to do poorly in a class' kind of thing, because 10th grade counts.

And of course, I'll be working at Wegmens

Wonderous? Of course.

And then. Of course... I'll probably be dating random guys. No more of this boyfriend I *wuv so much oo oo*. Nono. Don't need to get into THAT again.

Sophomore year...geesh. Who knows.

Feeling that writer's block again. ... I suppose I'm done

Liz

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