Lately, I've been avoiding figuring things out.

There's no time. Andrea hit on this in her Ifearmyself...there is just no time. I can't sit and think anymore, my mind is constantly swamped with assingments that I need to complete, rooms I need to clean or people I need to talk to. I can't think or have conversations about religion anymore, because it all reminds me of how far I've grown from my religion, and deep down I'm sad about it. It's an empty hole that was once filled with a relationship I had with God, something that meant a lot to me in eighth grade.

I don't like talking or thinking about government either. I never have. I've always considered myself stupid when it comes to those topics, since I used to TRY and discuss them with Tim in 8th grade, and he was almost obsessed with proving me wrong on every topic- or maybe I was just wrong all the time and Tim knew what he was talking about, but either way, when it comes to government I shut my mouth. Which is not good when it comes to Cornwell's class, I'm sure it loses me participation points. It doesn't help that Tim is in my World History class.

They all talk, and I sit there feeling so dumb. That's a horrible feeling when it's so deep, when it's been rooted in you for so long. Not knowing about sea urchins, for example, when someone asks you...may make you feel a tad ignorant, but not... incredibly stupid.

I feel like that blonde who signed up for the wrong class, and is just sitting at her desk with her paper that she doesn't understand, looking pretty but so stupid. That's how I always felt around Tim when he'd talk about almost anything in 8th grade, and this class is just a huge blown up version of it, and it counts for a grade.

I don't know why I'm bringing back 8th grade. I thought about it, and talked about it with Phil on the late bus today. Also, Mr. Merritt walked by my math room, and I even put some thought into 7th grade.

That's enough, I don't want to remember middle school anymore.

There's a lot on my mind that I could just blab in here... it's hard recognizing the actual important things to record and remember, versus the stupid topics that needn't be ever thought of again, let alone written in my diary that people read.

That decision brings up many, many things in my head- should I talk about track, the weekend, boys, my mom's impudence? Should I talk about my friends, work, homework, school, my inability to look deeper into myself? My inability to actually be myself around certain people, or under certain circumstances?

I've got a good grip on who I am, I'm over that "figuring myself out" phase when it comes to really... what my characteristics are, why I do MOST of the things I do, and really just what I am to myself. Honestly, I like myself. Is that cocky? I feel cocky saying it, that I like myself. I don't... LOVE myself, I don't...OBSESS over myself, but I don't have a problem with who or what I am anymore, I'm no longer insecure about my looks or my personality. Sure, there are still some insecurities I face (such as the world history class one), but it's nothing like the way it was last year. I-

it's 11:11. Why does that still...get to me...sometimes..?

Sometimes I think I'm really messed in the head when it comes to certain things..such as relationships. Why is it impossible for me to have one now? I used to want to have a long, nice relationship with someone, but now it seems so ... arg, there is no word for how I feel towards it. Indifference?

I get easily bored or annoyed, and it's come to the point where if there is something wrong with him, if we don't click, or if there are too many lapses in the conversation, I'll automatically lose interest. I don't want or have to settle for something that is only going to be mediochre and not even that fun. I don't want to date someone that I can't REALLY talk to, that I have no connection with whatsoever. Sam... is really cool, he is such an awesome person and has good views on things and he has a good sense of humor... but there is no connection and I can't really be myself around him. I guess I still sort of 'like' him in a way, or however people say it these days haha, -because he's really cool and a good person, or maybe there should be some sort of connection, and me not totally being myself is hindering it. I like to settle into things, I don't totally expose ME until I get to know the person better, and I don't think they'll dislike me or not want to talk to me anymore because of something I said or did, totally being myself. That hurts a lot, knowing someone loses interest in you because of you being your raw self.

It all comes back to telling myself to "just wing it" and "not take things so seriously" and "try to have fun with life".

Every time I "just wing it", something seems to go wrong, or I get confused. I'm tired of being confused. I'm tired of not knowing why I feel sad sometimes, or why I hurt certain boys and I almost like it. I'm tired of that aching feeling of guilt under the bitter satisfaction that turning down this boy or that boy gives me.

I still like being cocky when I'm at school. It makes everything so bearable. Feeling inferior to everyone was horrible last year, but now I don't. I feel better than almost everyone I see- and underneath that shell, I know I'm not, but for the time being I like to pretend I am. It makes me feel better when I otherwise would just feel not good enough for anyone.

I mean, I am confident. There is no doubt about the fact that I'm much better off than last year- man! last year at this time was horrible. I had gotten dumped two days before and all I could do was lie around and cry. He meant that much to me, but I don't regret it.

I don't have any regrets.

Sure, I'll look back on my history and think "why did I do that?" or "definitely should NOT have said that"- but I like my position now, and the cumulative effect of all the goods and the bads over these past 16 years has gotten me to exactly where and what I am, and I wouldn't want to change a thing.

Hah. I looked at my old entry from the 8th last year-

"Today was yet another "I WILL be happy- I SWEAR" day. It was working too! I mean, I still had that fatigued kinda "sigh"-ish feeling, everything reminds me of him. We walked by pac sun, there was a skateboard in the window. Someone said something about being retarded, and I remembered one of our jokes. I don't give a shit if someone says I'm cocky, we were a GOOD COUPLE, okay?! We worked! We clicked! WE DID TOO FIT, NATE! Even though you say we didn't, you know we did. Until you didn't want us to anymore."

I want to say, "how pathetic"- but that was 2 or 3 days after, I was allowed.

I went on about it, trying to make myself feel better, but ultimately just missing him more and more. I want to say "Gee, glad that's over" but I'm really not, nor do I wish to go back to it. It happened. I experienced it, and I learned. It may have scarred me, because I didn't allow myself to heal correctly- but the important thing is, it's over.

whoa, crazy.

this entry says a lot more than I think I meant it to at the time.

http://lizzles.diaryland.com/021208_24.html

hah, I should stop reading these. They're not making me sad, it just...astounds me that I wrote things like this, so poetic, was I really in love with him?

I suppose so.

Reading all these entries from last year is so strange, I've changed so much. I'd never let anyone get to me like that now, and if they did, I'd get over it in an instant becuase I'm much more self-assured than I used to be.

I'm getting tired and thirsty. Although I've been writing for a while now, I still have so much to say. Work is good, but I feel like a bad employee because of this weekend. I had asked Missy for Sunday off because I had to go to my retreat, but it got cancelled. She called on Sunday morning asking if I was coming in to work, and I felt stupid being at home (when I had told her I was going on a retreat), but, why would she be calling if she thought I was gone? I reminded her of the retreat, told her it got cancelled, and said that I chose to keep my Sunday off. It was a strange, uncomfortable conversation.

Track is good. I feel out of shape, but I love the girls who do track and I love the coaches. We have a lot of fun. Today, Andrea and I ran back to the North building from the south fitness center thing to go running on the track. The wrestlers were running, and Heissan and Ramadan (mostly Heissan) kept saying things at us as we ran by. We did maybe 3 laps then ran down the stairs and left out the door into the winter air, which felt so good because I was wearing sweatpants.

I guess I should go, it's almost midnight- and this entry is long enough.

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