i look at this empty box, thinking of all the things I want to say, but not knowing where exactly to begin it.

I feel so free and serene. All obligation has let go of me, and I'm as independant as I've ever wished to be. I feel no remorse or sadness over what has happened, although nothing really happened.

Life is so different and new. I'm finding myself all over again, and it's wonderful. I've talked to inspirational people and felt so good about things, (save my grades and admission to NYU).

I love my new hair. Well. I want to change a few things, but the dye tonight didn't work (I think it was defective,- just my luck!). well. maybe my hair wasn't meant to be dyed that way, maybe that's the message it was trying to send me.

Break was very interesting. The last week especially. I had a 'thing' with Nick Roberts again- but as usual, I grew sickened by him to the point where I couldn't look at him anymore and broke things off. And As Usual, there was a fight, he insulted me, but I didn't cave.

Cry me a river, heartless bastard.

I thought about what I wanted in a guy while at work this weekend. I want someone to captivate me, to take my breath away. He needs to be interesting and exciting to me- otherwise, I find pursuing anything to be rather pointless. I have a lot on my plate and on my mind, I don't have time to go after short relationships only for a thrill. Because most aren't. I've decided that I'm going to do what I like- I'm going to write, and think, and be happy, and cherish the small things- such as the stars I can see so vividly from my house at night, the rain that I love to walk in, my fishies and my cats, I'm going to run and do my best in track, I'm going to try and get my math homework done, I'm going to be nice to people and not say bad things, I'm going to be myself and not hold false pretenses.

I'm going to be happy

and I'm allowing myself to be sad when it is appropriate.

I'm going to enjoy life. I want to join the humane issues club and participate in the shakespear competition and volunteer at places that need help and read a lot of good books and go to poetry readings and smile at people that I don't know. I want to have deep conversations with people about so many things- things that aren't even considered deep in most situations. I want to be positive, but see the world as it really is, and write about it from my genuine perspective. I want to be honest with people and myself,- I want no mind games or hypocracies or contradictions.

I want to help people out. I want to be one of those people that others know they can come to with a problem. I want to offer good advice, I want to be a friend to anyone who needs it. I know I need it often.

I want to go into psychology- I'm not sure what specific part, but I want to be involved with people, I want to OBSERVE people, I want to analyze people. I love it, it's my passion, I want it to be my life.

I want to be and do everything on the list in the basic crafts room that states "How To Be An Artist". Someday I'll copy them down and write them in here.

I want to go to Webster's and talk to the man with the armidillo purse. I want to get a cup of coffee and write poems about emotions and how vividly they can be felt.

I'm so afraid of losing this entry. I'm so, so afraid. This is everything I've felt for so long, but it was shoved under, repressed.

I want to look Sasha Pasko in the eye and smile at her, and mean it.

I want to talk to Keith again.

I want to be open to talking to anyone, regardless of anything they might be or do- I want to have nothing against drugs, appearance, anything-

I want to be so enriched, so in touch-

I want to see the Big Picture.

I want to go to Africa

and Russia

and Sweden

and Everywhere

Culture

I want to experience all those cultures, I want to record them and take pictures and capture them in my personal history book

I want to have so many different friends, young and old, so interesting, so enriching, so cultured

I want my life to extend beyond here- but I'll forever keep this town in my heart.

I want to touch people. Help people.

I want to make a lot of money and give it to homeless people. Randomly. "Here's a ten"

I want to help sad kitties and puppies and bunnies and fishes and the like find homes.

I want to own a lot of kitties and puppies and bunnies and fishies.

And the like.

Maybe a ferret.

I feel so...renaissanced. Is that a word? Everything I AM has woken up inside of me and presented itself, telling me, HERE YOU ARE! YOU'VE FOUND..YOU!

I feel so...free

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