I'm doing alright.

something about the prospect of blabbing my personal life onto a website that virtually anyone can access makes me feel weird now. I guess maybe... I've been hurt a lot lately. Really hurt. By someone who I thought was totally there for me, someone I would have done almost anything for.

I guess life's just like that.

Makes me miss Maria a lot.

Also kinda makes me want dad to just get a high-profile job in New York like he talks about sometime, so I can up and leave this place. Forget it even exists. That's always my first instinct.

I wanna scream, I wanna yell, I want to hit things... I wanna lay down, I wanna hold a teddy bear, I wanna cry myself to sleep.

and maybe that wouldn't be so bad, you know, if i had someone to talk to about things. I can't count how many times I've been there for my friends. I wish someone was here for me, I really do. Maybe this will make me stronger.

I wish...we could all see...that we're all just kids. We're 16. We're not evil. We want to be liked, we don't want to hear that people are saying that we "try to be fake"- I mean, the only reason any of us are fake is so people DON'T say bad things about us, so people like us. No one WANTS to be mean to someone, do they? I don't. I just.. wish so, so so so soso badly.. that things could just be okay. I always feel like shit after I say bad things about people, but, it's like a disease...you know..you do it anyway. I feel so good after saying something NICE about someone. I know, you're all reading this thinking "yea right liz, shut the fuck up, you're such a bitch and you talk shit and you're so mean to people and i hate you"

yea well, if i saw this in someone's diary... i might think the same thing too.

but it's like, i know this is true for me and maybe for everyone else- you're pulled by so many urges and wishes. You want to be a good person, if you were to think right now "do i want to say bad things about people?" of course you'd say, no, of course not, what a shitty thing to do. I know i say that. but then..you do it anyway..cos it comes up...or cos you really think that but don't want to cause a fight by saying it to them, or for whatever other reason. and then they hear it, and it makes them really sad- but they get angry too, wondering, why would you say that, how could someone say that about me? whether it's true or not.

we all do it. I do.

Not everyone's gonna like everyone. Not everyone's gonna like me. I'll always wish they would, but in my head, I know they're not gonna. I'm not going to like everyone!

but i wish we... I wish I, wouldn't say bad, horrible things about people I don't like.

I want to regard other people as, really, other PEOPLE...not just..how I feel about them, how I think they feel about me. I will see someone and think "oh man, that's the girl that doesn't like me" or "that's that guy who was mean to me the other night for no reason", and I'll ignore them or say mean things about them to my close friends...and that's so not cool. at all. I hate that I do that. I wish other people wouldn't do it either.

Imagine the world if no one ever did that?

What would.... laura day do if i saw her in the hall and said "hey, how ya doin today" and meant it. she'd probably glare at me.

what would...i do... if someone i didn't like asked me how i was. i'd probably give them a bad look too.

i wish that would change.

maybe this isn't how things really are, and i'm just imagining it. maybe this is normal because we're only 16.

maybe it's all about defense mechanisms...we're afraid that if we're nice to people who may or may not like us; people we're unsure of, that we'll get shot down- or be seen as weak. I wish so much for that to change.

but...when you're TOO nice to people, too friendly, not bitchy or secretive enough- you'll get labeled as "annoying". i would know.

i wanna be cool with people. i dont want to go to school and feel animosity, or give it to anyone. i wanna start doing things i like to do, like paint... artsy stuff. and i dont mean landscapes, or real looking things, because i dont do that. my stuff's always ...kind of weird and crazy. but i LOVE doing it.

so what's your favorite ice cream flavor. I wonder if terrorists have favorite ice cream flavors, I wonder if they have a favorite song, a favorite vacation spot. they're people too. are they really THAT different?

i wish they didn't do the things they did.

i wish we didn't either.

i could go on about this...on and on and on... but instead. i'm going to ener this entry before my computer turns off.

0 comments so far