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I guess I always thought I'd be forgotten by them, you know? None of us talk much.

But i guess maybe I was wrong and

I guess maybe it doesn't matter, i GUESS if

you spend your whole childhood with someone

you could reunite at 87

and i guess you'd still be tight and care about one another.

No word from Maria lately. She's busy with her life and her boyfriend- a lot going on there, I take it.

Maybe I'm afraid to talk to them, afraid like I am of everyone else- afraid that there's nothing to talk about, that conversation would run dry although topics would be raining down upon us.

social anxiety again.

I guess I like it better when we don't talk so much, and when we do, it's short and sweet...so I don't feel as if we've "grown apart" although i know WE NEVER CAN.

I know we can't, I know we won't, I could be in Europe, Australia...

and I could call Amanda up and cry about how a boy hurt me

I could call Rachelle up about how teddy ate all my food

I could call up Maria and ask her advice on what college to apply to

I could call up Em...and I don't even know, what I'd talk about. It's Em. I FUCKING miss that girl.

they all represent sides of me, you know.

Maria is the smart, ambitious one who wants to do right and to succeed, but is sometimes afraid she can't. She deals with it differently than I do, I think. I give up way too often.

Em is the party girl who wants a lot of friends and likes to smoke and drink. Sometimes she's insecure about her friends because she knows the party crowd ...not good people...but they're fun.

Amanda is the social one who just likes to have good friends and have a good time with them... she falls in love fast and stays with that love, thick and thin. It hurts sometimes.

Rachelle is the cautious one, the dreamer. Rachelle never would do something she KNEW was wrong- not even for adventure. "I'll get taken by gypsies!!" ahahaah.

And yea, I miss them

I miss the old life sometimes.

but i've GROWN SO MUCH here-

it's like a plant, I'm a potted plant-

in USC, I was in a smaller pot. It was snug, and nice, and unthreatening.

Then I was transplanted. There was the inevitable shock of being moved; I was scared and unknowing of what was happening. But the pot I moved in to, it was so much bigger. My roots grew, my knowledge expanded, I became three times the person I ever was, or ever could be.

I'm still growing.

I love this town.

I love these people, nomatter how much pain they can cause me sometimes-

-I probably have caused it right back, on numerous occasions.

because there is SO MUCH TO LIFE. I try not to let little things get to me, like seeing people who have hurt me in the past (a la seeing andrea AND miss cornwell at wegmans on the same day)...for some reason my brain has made a mental connection between them, they both have the same 'im a bad person ok so dont talk to me' vibe.

actually, as time goes by. Miss Cornwell doesn't seem that bad anymore. It's the opposite with Andrea. I'll remember shit she's done to me every once in a while, (aka fucking LEAVING me and lauren downtown, what the hell, what the HELL!) and think, what the FUCK was wrong with me, why did I stay with that for so long?

Maybe I should like. Apologize to miss cornwell. or maybe I'll just let it be.

hey it's my diary right? i can write about whatever's on my mind? and that..was on my mind for a few minutes.

Well, today's Tuesday, Matt should be back. I want to seeeee himmmmmmm.............

Hillary's in D.C. ... Jessie's here. She hangs out with her Matt a lot. I wonder if her Matt and my Matt can be friends?

Hm. Verk tonight. Worked 7 hours on show-for-dough (a dollar extra an hour) yesterday, so I made 7.75. It was sweet as hell...in a few months i'll be permanently making 7.00 an hour, which is wonderful like crazy.

Sooo yea this week should be paaccked. Tonight, work. Tomorrow night, Players with HEATHER!!!! YAY!! and her kids, one of which Conor Hall thinks is hott so I'll give him a call. and Thursday- HILLLarryyy gets back and we're gonna party it up at her place with our men. Friday...I switched shifts with Lindsay to work from 4-9. It's outside, which sucks a bit, but EH. whatcha gonna do.

I miss Matt.

i wonder if he's even back yet...toronto. haha. I love how he has a bazillion pictures of me on his phone .."why do they all look different?" because i'm WEIRDDDDDDD that's why. ahaha.

Hm. Wearin the same pants I always wear! Cool, huh? I think they're starting to smell.

I wanna finish painting that wooden thing, and make it into a jewelery hanger like Jessie suggested. ahhhh creativity.

So, I signed up for this core toning class at the Y and never went. Man, I'm awesome.

and you know what? I have a killer body nomatter what.

Ha and my skirt from freshman year, the AF one, doesn't fit anymore. Not really anyway. You wanna know what now? I wear a 2...and sometimes A 4 OMG!!!! AHHHH i wear a 4 sometimes!

and fuckin look at me! I'm hot as hell!

FUCK steriotypes, fuck having to be "skinny"- a number DOES NOT denote how attractive you are, and it's so far from telling people what kind of a person you are that it's ridiculous.

Ive been SO real with people lately, I haven't talked shit about people who have done nothing to me- I'm nice to people not cos...it's like..something I'm sposedta do, but cos, why the fuck wouldn't I be nice to people? People are cool, ok? Unless you're one of those mean people who I don't wanna be nice to, soooo I'm NOT. Hahaha.ha.

Sooo if you wear a 6, a 12- blah fuck that, don't be all anorexic or fucking throwing shit up, be like me and eat and then don't do anything about it, be like, yo, that 3 musketeers bar.. it was good. and be like..yo..eating wegmans frozen pizza right before i go to sleep...killer.

yo...a little chub on my stomach... shows CHARACTER

:-D

goodness, I love being confident.

EVERYONE SHOULD JUMP ON THE BANDWAGON!

hahah much much much love to all and everyone and WHATNOT.

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