raw frustration slammed the laptop down.

"FUCK"

rang so clear above my head; I was oblivious to the fact that I was the one to scream it.

all I wanted to do was write; write in here. i never get urges like that anymore, never. and i did, some sudden insiration, brought upon by my brother and his friend weeding the garden.

i had walked out on the deck originally to talk to them. I want teddy's friends to like me. Instead of retreating back into my living room after a minute or so of forced conversation, my mind was captivated by the scene that lay before me.

It was like a movie.

Everything was still and beautiful.

There was a slight breeze, but the only movements obvious to the eye were Teddy and his friend, picking at the ground with lethargic force.

Their muffled conversation made no real sense to my ears, but I understood all that they meant to translate to the world; all they meant to incinuate to each other.

I sipped my soda and gazed upon the utter stillness across the way. The Shaw family's cars may as well have been a painting.

and it was beautiful.

the way I want everything to be.

I noticed, in my gawking stupor, that there was nothing sexual or raunchy about what was happening. Two boys pulling weeds under the early September sun.

An I realized...that I want everything to be this way. It made me feel so alive. Things, occurences, people- should be looked at in a more obtuse way. Outside the 'hey lets get drunk and make some stupid sexual innuendos' box.

I wish everyone could see this, could feel this.

the absence of loquation is the mind feeling rather than thinking. verbal communication can only translate so much.

goodness knows i try to. i have these spurts of talking a LOT, to not talking at all, because i realize..everything i feel, everything i know, i canNOT translate with just words alone- it has to be experienced.

my computer area reeks of nail polish. when i threw my fit on the laptop, a bottle of undercoat/overcoat fell off the desk and the top broke of in the floor. In my then magnified frustration, i chucked it across the room and it exploded on the concrete.

I wonder if I'll get in trouble for that.

I wonder if anyone will even find out.

Good thing I had another bottle of that stuff.

now for the life update .. ..

twwwooo nights ago... well, two days ago. Friday. me and Jessiiiee went to the Y. I have gone to the Y A LOT and never have I seen Nick there....before this time.

Ha it was so weird. Jessie and I were just on the treadmills and...out pops Nick and his friends! It was an experience.

then tanning, and my house. Ha we had like 10 minutes to get ready before Matt came over. He got there when we were dressed atleast, but I was blowdrying my hair and I screamed when he walked in, haha. I guess Ted opened the door for him.

we chilled at my place for a bit, then went downtown...to some stores... hah jessie said that me and Matt are "kissy". I guess we are. But it took a little while to get to that really! Hillary and Alex were always the kissy ones while me and Matt just...hung out. So, it's cool that we're at this point. I love being around him.

theenn Matt left and we saw HILLARRYY and Abby and Alexa at Panera. They all left, so me and Jessie went to Canyon, which sucked horribly. We saw Alex though, which was cool I guess.

THEN to get junk food! And we saw Aja, Kendra and Doc, haah we saw them soo much throughout the night.

Then JOE came and met us! GOODNESS I love that kid, he's so fun.

THEEENNNNN weeee went to Gumby's to visit George and Josh with Jesthpa and Lauren, although Josh wasn't there...but GEORGE WAS SOBER and it was so weird! hahah

then Lauren left, but Jesthpa stayed and we went to Wendy's, which was a crazy fun time... I forget all the things that made us totally laugh out loud, but so many did and it was great.

man i love those kids.

well, yesterday was hair appointment but ONLLYY for a trim, then I cleaned a lot, and got Matt's birthday gift cos it was his birthday yesterday:-D (He's 18 now). Then babysat, which was cool.

Matt came over at like...12:30. we hung out and ended up falling asleep a lot cos it was so late. Hopefully I'll see him at some normal time today.

I have to clean today and ittt pisses me off cos I wanted to go to lunch with Jesthpa, it was GONNNAAAAA be a lot of fun. But we will MAYBE do it tomorrow, you know, get an early lunch, I'll talk to her about it.

me and Jessiieee are hittin the town tonight, after another Y/Tanning session. I don't know what we're doing. but it better be crazy COS its the last night of summer. I invited Jesthpa and I have to call Matt still...maybe he'll bring Pisoni, haha.

sigh, but i have to clean some more first!

SCHOOL in like two days, how fucked up is that!

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