i was just sitting here thinking

reminiscing maybe

time

timetimetime

time is walking downtown after school, not having done that before. time is buying haloween decorations for your 15th birthday party, all on your own. time is being trusted to make your own decisions for the first time- time is highschool, time is flying. time; doing the new and exciting things with people you've not known for long, intermixed with those who have always and WILL always be there. time is the colorful leaves that fall from the trees around the highschool, the ones you walk through on your daily commute between buildings with friends. Or possibly by your lonesome after a certain school activity, when the silence is more serene than lonely

or maybe there was no activity, maybe you stayed after only because you could, because you had grown and were trusted to be alone.

time is being on the bus, and calling a friend from your cell phone who was on her seperate way home, to giggle about an older boy.

time is thinking you're badass for smoking weed on the top of a parking garage.

time is laying on the pavement infront of the south building, listening to blink 182 and watching the clouds float by, thinking about how beautiful they really are, and how you could be more than what you see in the mirror each day.

time is standing outside the north building in the rain, and thinking

"you took...your coat off...and stood in the rain...you were always crazy like that"- time- is looking back and remembering how getting soaked was an adventure.

time is seeing new people for the first time, then becoming very close with them before you even realize who you thought they were in the first place.

time is everyone, time - all those people i will see everyday, -

I hope to God that this year brings more, that this year is generous and shows me all the new things, all the fresh things that time and time again, those past two years, they never let me down

time, time FLIES, time has flown, time has shown all of us out of the south building- time is walking across the street to the roar store at lunch! just to get a ten cent lollipop, and to have something to do, of course.

time is all those people you remember being close with over the years, time is having a buddy on your bus to scorn at all the stupid boys in the back with, time is having two best friends with the same name, time is watching the marching band and having a funny discussion, time is the innocence and purity of your first love, time is the pain of loss, time is the salt on my wound, time is a loved one that is cherished only by memory, time is going home with someone on a friday to get pumped up for the football game, time is your first job, time is intimidation on the road with a stamped permit-

"you can spend all the money that you have, then work real hard and earn it all back eventually. But time. Once it passes, it's gone, and you can never get it back"-'without a paddle'

I guess I was just thinking. About school tomorrow and everything. My past two years... I remember all the best times being in the beginning, when all was fresh and new and exciting- before the lull of steriotypical normalcy sets in.

I was sitting on a bench downtown with Matt last night, and next to us were Jessie and Pisoni. Matt was paying attention to them, and I was watching a woman walk by us. It was about ten o'clock and fairly dark outside. The woman had a sweater on, and a gust of wind whipped at her collar and she shuddered.

At that moment, I could smell Fall in the air, I could feel it. And then I was ready.

It's time to say goodbye to my brown bathing suit and my tanning oil. Bye to going to the pool with Christoff, bye to visiting friends during the day, then going home for a shower to see Matt at night. Bye to owning the town, because now the college kids are back.

bye to Summer.

Cos, here's fall, and I have no idea what that entails. Football games. I have different friends now, and a boyfriend! What's this? I've always gone into school single... I hope it works out, I really want it to work out.

Maybe some new fad will come up on the weekends, and we won't just be walking around downtown, looking for something to do. Haha wtf that used to be so fun.

What does EVERYONE else do? why is no one else there? oh right, they go to parties and get high and drunk and fuck each other.

sorry...I never did it that much in the first place, and after what happened to my GURL... I don't want to ever go to parties like that again...big, crazy ones anyway.

so what the hell is there to do here if I don't want to go to a big crazy drunken party?

Whatever happened to NORMAL parties, like mine, where people come SOLELY to see each other and to have fun without being drunk as fuck? like, why can't a big group of us get together and just...enjoy each other? I keep thinking of Bart on my rocking horse, and Trevor and Zack with my torches and Ivan and Tim by the chips and Jes and Peter on the couch with others,...why is everyone all of a sudden 'too cool' to have parties like that, or to go to parties like that WITHOUT being totally fucked up?

I wish someone would have a party.

Everyone can thank Nate Westrick for smoking in my basement cos I'm never allowed to have another party again because of that...so i don't know...who is going to have parties now.

Hm.... Dusty just called. He has called a lot in the past few days, he sounds so different.

It's really honorable of him to join the army, I think. He's going to Iraq in 6 months.... I don't know. I guess, all I can hope, is that he well be alright, and get out unharmed.

This entry. Has gone on for so long.

I guess today was just one of those days...

I feel alone, but in a way that is so empowering. Characteristic of the Fall.

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