i am so lucky

maybe the world felt bad for me, after dealing with nick and all his bullshit

so they gave me matt

who is perfect, he's so perfect.

"theres the turning lane. matt...turning lane..right there. hey get in the turning lane, you, should, get in the turning lane! matt! turning la-...what the hell!"-after he just didn't get into the turning lane cos he thought it was funny how i was telling him to

"what the FUCK matt what the fuck?"-i fell asleep next to him and had a dream in which i talked outloud. it WAS to him, but in the dream. haha.

as i was writing this out, i thought, wow that's a lot about matt and whatnot, who will want to read that?

then i remembered that this is my diary and no one HAS to read it, it's for me, not anyone's amusement.

friday, jessie, matt, kairos, hillary being mad-then jessie, jeep, celica across the street, caitlins, jamie's crawl to the chair, meeting jags, sleeping on matt, leaving at 6am,

TOnight, jesthpa, wegmans, the mikes, napoleon dynamite with some nice boys, hillary being mad again about something different but equally as ridiculous, weis and jessie, caitlins and the car we didn't hit, then home

yea, hillary's mad...again...i dont want to get into detail, i dont want to make her look dumb or me look bitchy, and i will if i do. so it just sucks. i wish things werent like the way they were, but i cant always drop what im doing to get her, i cant just break off plans with someone else to hang out wiht her, i mean, i can invite her along, thats the best i can do, even if it is with my boyfriend who i'd love to be alone with, i want to see her too, but when i make plans with someone else first, i cant just ditch them. 2 weeks isn't nearly 2 years, or something. its not like we dont have lunch together.

well, i guess i did get into detail.

tomorrowww...is. Church then CCD. Jesthpa is in my ccd class! and so are some other cool kids, so i'm psyched, well, kind of.

then the Y with dad...ive gained weight so i need to run the shit out of myself.

then go home, shower, do homework...get it donnneee so i can see matt after his hockey practice ends at 7:-).

today before the movie, me and Jesthpa had gotten some rather bad tasting gummy bears at Big Lots. We were early for the movie cos we thought it might sell out, so we sat outside on a curb in the parking lot, and just threw the gummy bears and just..talked. I remember feeling somewhat nostalgic. We shot the breeze and noticed the clouds. it was like being very young, maybe 10 or so, so you obviously can't drive. you make friends in your neighborhood, and some days are so lazy that all you have to depend on in the sky and a nice day- a curbside where cars are scarce. and you sit. and play with the pebbles and grass around you. and talk about nothing and everything at the same time.

and we did that, you know, and i loved it.

i want matt and i to do that. the way we are just boggles my mind. the way HE IS is just, so perfect. and it reminds me of a couple who will not be named, the way they were in the beginning, and how jealous i always was...but not in the way that it'd make me mad or hate anyone. just in a slight, sad way. because i lacked love and wanted it so badly.

....

i'd always say...

and i hope she doesn't take this the wrong way, it's not meant to be offensive, quite the opposite actually,

i'd say, last year,

"where's my 'lance'? howcome she gets someone like that and I don't?"

and you know, i'd try, i'd date guys, sam shortle, kevin, nick r and a sad attempt at nick b (who is in my math class and study hall! ha ha!)

quite frankly, they all sucked.

matt is amazing and perfect! oh yay.

and with that

im going to shower then sleep

byebye

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