well my diary is locked now
and as far as I know, only my close friends have bothered to figure out the pw
so it's locked and it's my diary and...yea you get the picture, this isn't for anyone's entertainment or amusement, it's for my thoughts. thanks.
FAIR warning, its locked now, I'm gonna talk about whatever the hell I want, including the AMAZING sex that Matt and I have, because WOW...aahhh ahhh there are no words to DESCRIBE how incredible it is, especially if I can see him while we're at it. AAHHH.
we talked about how he was leaving for Florida... that makes me so, so so sad. I really think I'm falling in love with him, he's incredible, in every single way possible, he is perfect.
and you'd think...that having sex would just create problems, like oh, "thats all we do so we're not close", but it's not all we do, we still chill and make fun of stuff and generally have a good and non sexual time with each other.
and I feel so much closer to him, on such a deeper level than I ever thought I could, with anyone. Honestly I didn't think this could happen to me. After all the failures and hurt feelings, I thought that "love" was something meant for other people, I really did.
but now, here's Matt. He's so, so perfect. He's like a dream, he doesn't, shouldn't exist- he's way too..perfect.
I don't ever want to be without him, although I'm not DEPENDANT - it's more like,
I don't know! I can't explain it, I guess you just have to ...understand from your own experiences.
Nick talked to me today. A lot. and for a while it seemed as if my frozen affection for him started to melt into something that could have existed...then Matt got online, and how I feel for him is so overwhelming, and I forgot Nick had ever been online at all.
Now I think...that Nick can, and should have this too; what I have with Matt. Just it could never have been with me. I know who he could have it with...and, is he blind? Does he not see the most incredible thing he could have with this other person? This really is, no lie, the MOST amazing feeling, ever. Looking at Matt, touching him-being touched by him- in a not sexual way even, his shoulder, his hand, his arm..it's just amazing.
I could go on and on and on about this...
Well, let's talk about other things besides the awesome Matt.
I couldn't talk at all today, I was basically sick all day... I might not go to school tomorrow cos, even though I had just enough energy to sit with Matt today- my nose is running EVERYWHERE and yea it is starting to HURT to talk, which sucks.
Hillary was a bit sick too, I think. ha I feel like I haven't seen her in like a year and my parents wouldn't let me go to her house today cos they were all "you called of work blah"....and we were gonna watch this good sounding movie!
ha oh Hillary...i don't want her to think that just cos I talk about Matt so much that I've forgotten her..because I haven't and never will...she's my home gurlay.
ahaha
and jessie toooo..even though sh oyue rarely mentions me in her diary, it's all good, I love the girl. haha.
and my Jesthpa, I wuff her. she's funfun
and Laura ahah oh Laura, that girl fucking rocks.
I will always remember my friends and love them to death and want to see them nomatter how awesome Matt is or how close I get to him... my friends are my sanity, because we can drive around and yell HEEEYYY SHTHEXTHEEHH...out of the window of the jeeP at random guys downtown. oh Hillary. ahahah.
cos yea I'd be so lost without stuff like that.
so I'm tired an an essay is due tomorrow... yea I'm so not going to school, also cos I can't breathe through my nosey and I can't talk period. hahaha.
it would defintely be frustrating to go to school with no voice...if I can't talk tomorrow at all still I don't know if I should go to work? damnit, I'm losing so much money but I HAVE to be able to talk to the customers, like, that's so much a part of my job...it would be so rude if I was just silent if a customer came through my line and I couldn't talk.
man I'm sooo tired...maybe I'll START the essay then konk out..you know how it goes

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