I never realized HOW important trust is until the past few days.
Matt DID cheat on me. With that girl, on the night of Hillary's birthday party- when I was having a good sober time. She said he was a little drunk and a little high. He said he was VERY drunk.
He had lied to me about it. For a few weeks. He said, that never happened, why don't you trust me liz? i'd never do that to you. I love you... if you constitute sitting next to someone on a couch then yes i did it. why don't you trust me? why don't you beleive me still? stop bringing it up, it didn't happen.
and every time i would hear about it and tell him he would get angrier, as if to showcase his faux innocence? i don't know.
She came into Wegmans with Kierstin on Wednesday. Chad let me go to the bathroom and She said to me,
"I've had a lot of crap from guys before, and I wish someone would have told me" then proceeded to let me in on what happened, where it was, and all this.
She doesn't know me. I don't know Her. There's a sort of honesty shared between strangers that familiarity of person tends to distort.
They were on a couch in Goins's living room. Apparently it was very late and no one else was awake, and she was clinging to Matt to get away from Hatchet. They made out, she gave him head. I don't think I'll be able to do that again for a very long time.
I called him from Her cell phone, and asked him if he knew where I was calling from.
He didn't, so I told him. I forget his response, but I do remember screaming obscenities, such as.."YOU FUCKING LIAR HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME THEN LIE ABOUT IT FOR SO LONG? YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING ASSHOLE..." and hanging up.
He must have tried calling Her back about 17 times or so. He left two messages, one I heard. It was something to the effect of "IF YOU SEE ME YOU BETTER FUCKING RUN, BITCH" and I didn't hear the other. I picked up to one call and said "stop calling her you asshole"
She picked up to another and he asked where we were, so She hung up.
The girls left Wegmans and Chad came and asked me about it. At this point, there was no doubt about what happened that night. She didn't even want him. She wanted to tell the truth.
I almost cried at work.
And right when I was amost finished telling Chad my story, I see Matt walk into Wegmans. I say, look, there's the asshole now.
Chad says....turn off your light, you can go.
I ring up some last customers- my mind is full of jealous fury, and I can't think. They talk to me and tell me things and ask me things and I was monotonous. Matt was behind them just looking at me. He'll tell me later that he had a lot to say, but when he saw me he became speechless.
Matt followed me as I put my till back and clocked out and went back to the locker room.
I'll never forget his face just then.
When I said to him- how could you do that to me?
bloodshot eyes
what were you THINKING?
terror in the form of disdain
i can't even believe this, it's like a movie, i'm in a nightmare of us, you, MY matt, you would not do this to me
helplessness expression
but you did.
looks down at the ground
don't ever say you love me again, because you don't
I left the locker room. He went out the side door, which at that time of night will set off the alarm and it did. No one cared though, everyone knew what was going on at this point.
I called home. Then cried. Chad patted my head. Nikki said it had happened to her already. And she understood.
Dad comes and right as I return home, Matt calls. I yell from the computer room "I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO MATT"
which is highly strange, seeing as my usual yell is "I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO ANYONE UNLESS IT IS MATT"
Mom comes to the computer room and says "He sounds awfully sad. You really should talk to him."
So I get the phone
"What do you want"
all I hear is sobbing and incoherent drivel.
"Matt?"
I forget what he said first. I forget a lot of the conversation, but I remember wanting to talk to him.
I wanted to SCREAM at him, I wanted him to know pain as I had, as I still did. I wanted to say, honey stop crying...don't cry...
I went to my room and laid on my bed. I listened to him sob and I put in my two cents about every five seconds. What were you thinking? You don't KNOW? How can you not know. ...
there were so many important things I said that I forget now. So many things that made him cough and stop breathing, so many things that made him cry louder. Because they were true and he knew it. He knew he had betrayed me, he knew exactly what he had done. I told him how I prided myself in making him the only one that I kissed, the only one I hugged the way I hugged him, he was the only one I could see for as long as we had been together and even a bit longer beforehand.
I asked him why he couldn't have done that for me.
He just cried. And said, God, I'm so sorry, Liz-
what, am I not good enough for you? -
-you're TOO fucking good for me...
a lot of what he tried to say, I had to ask him to repeat because his sobs got in the way of every syllable.
He said he had taken his mom's car and he was just sitting in the Kmart parking lot. We had been talking for quite some time now, just shy of an hour it seemed to feel like- but for all I know, it was just fifteen minutes.
I asked him if he wanted to come over.
I wanted to see him so badly. He had caused his own pain and in my love for him, I wanted to reverse it-
while feeling so betrayed and shocked by his henious actions.
He was standing outside my cellar door for quite some time, I suppose, before I called him and asked him if he was there.
We stood near each other for quite some time. He tried to hug me. My arms fell limp at my sides- and he just cried. I kissed the tears on his face and felt so loving and so wrong at the same time.
We sat on my couch and he put his head on my chest and told me he couldn't look at me right then. He sobbed and shook and coughed and it was sad.
I'll always remember everything he said to me. To another's ears in this story, it sounds like bullshit. I'm made to be naive. It wasn't like that.
He told me to hit him. That he deserved it. So I did, three times, and I really got into it the last time- screaming HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?? and giving him a bloody nose.
He said it hurt a lot and I told him that he did, in fact, deserve it- so I wasn't going to be sorry.
I'm still not sorry and I never will be.
He left.
I got online to see that now Caitlin is claiming that he asks her to give him road head in the morning. And that she does because, he smokes her and gives her a ride! Who GIVES a fuck that he's my boyfriend, and she is supposed to be my FRIEND.
Caitlin Thomas is a whore.
I'm not one to call people whores for no reason. I don't believe in using that as an insult. I use it as a true classification. Jessie Henry is good person. Jen Brown is fashionable. Caitlin Thomas is whore.
When single girls mess around with a lot of single guys, they're not whores.
when single girls mess around with their friends boyfriends... they're not only whores, they are horrible people. people who are not trustworthy and not worth knowing because they have no consideration for anyone else and only care about themselves.
So Caitlin claims this. Matt says it isn't true, and I almost beleive him, because even before we were going out, she would hit on him- and he would say, "that girl hits on me and she is so gross, but i don't want to be mean so i don't know what to do"
Basically yesterday sucked, I cried a lot and Caitlin was such a bitch. She told everyone she 'didn't feel sorry for what she did and that she wanted to laugh at me when I got upset with her"
I'll fast forward to that night, after work when I went to see Matt. I met his sister and his mom gave me chocolate, which was nice.
We got into my car and he gave me a note he had written. It was beautiful. He had really poured his heart into it. Once I was finished I looked at him. There were so many emotions in his eyes- they were glassed over and pathetic.
Not in the "funny pathetic" sort of way.. but in the way that it was obvious he had hit rock bottom, and realized everything was his fault- and so he offered himself to me for forgiveness. And that was all that could be done.
I hugged him. My Matt.
We got to the WalMart parking lot and I said... we're calling Caitlin. I want to listen in. I want proof that nothing happened.
So we call her, she picks up. He asks her what are all these things she is telling people.
She says cautiously, "what are you ...taking about?"
"You know, you're telling people we did stuff"
"I, uh told Jessie it wasn't true, uh, I didn't say that.."
Matt looks at me and mouths "what do i say??"
and I made the mistake of saying "NOOO you fucking didn't, you stupid bitch" then hanging up. I should have let them talk more, just so I had even MORE confirmation.
I guess I'm confused. I want things to be the way they always were, how in love we were and how we were perfect- but the way I feel- so cautious and insecure, so betrayed...hinders that.
We went back to WalMart after eating downtown at the Diner- and got our pictures. 5 rolls. Right when we sat down to look at them, we saw Lauren and Jared! HAha.... the pictures were from...wow. The night before Sophomore year, (THAT CAMERA I WAS LOOKING FOR FOREVER, THE NIGHT WITH TOMMY ANDREA AND LAUREN). There were pictures of this Summer, pictures from Goins house, pictures from my birthday party...
pictures of Matt and I horsing around- holding the camera infront of us and kissing and making funny faces and in one I'm biting his head.
There is a picture of us kissing with our hair wet. I guess we had just gotten out of the jacuzzi. It's the most beautiful picture...we both have our eyes closed and we're so close and our hair is sopping wet. I love that picture. I just stared at it for quite some time with everyone there.
Sigh.. I feel tired and kind of sick.
All I know now is ...Matt means everything to me. He said in his note, "Don't base your thoughts on me by one stupid mistake I made, that is NOT my character, I'm still the same person you always knew..."
Only time will tell at this point- my trust will not be easy to get back.
My love, however
was constant and endless- unconditional.

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