last night, somebody told me that "everyone thinks I'm a fool for staying with Matt"
this coming from someone who always yelled at me if i EVER cared about what someone thought of me.
as if she'd know the general opinion.
as if i WANT TO KNOW the general opinion of others- others who are not me, who are not Matt, who are not Caitlin.
Last night I talked to her civilly on the phone. I decided it was about time I quit screaming things at her because obviously that was not getting me anywhere at all.
She told me the story calmly. It changed though... it went from being many times in the morning to once 5th period. - Matt used to take her and Aleisha to smoke 5th period.
she said Aleisha wasn't there, but every time Matt has ever taken them- Aleisha has been there.
She also said it was in the past 2 weeks- after Hillary's party.
Matt has only taken James and Vince and once Megan Hill with them, in the past two weeks. I know this is true, because I see him after 4th- when he doesn't work, and I see James and Vince waiting for him. When he does work, I KNOW he is working becuase I drive to Wegmans around 3:30 and I see his car at Wendy's. I've also talked to him once or twice in the past two weeks when he was en route to work. I can't remember the last time he took Caitlin and Aleisha out, I know it happened, but it was always the two of them- not just Caitlin ever
and she also said Matt had been drunk in the morning and still drunk when he asked her to give him head. I see matt every day, I would know if he was drunk or not. It's just such an obvious thing, and I've seen him drunk many a time- I just know him better than that.
He doesn't drive drunk, he's not stupid. He did once because he HAD to, and that was it.
Of course, I still have some suspicions about it. I always will.
And no one knows what really goes on- no one knows about the conversations I have with him, how I can feel his frustration with Caitlin's stories, I can hear him nearly break down crying infront of his cousins because I talk about 'us going on a break'.
I talked to my mom about it last night. She knows everything now. I was actually
crying on my bed when she found me, with pictures of him and us strewn about everywhere and my cell phone in my hand, hoping he would call.
There's a time difference in Chicago- so he didn't end up calling until pretty late...
Anyway, I talked to her, and she told me to not do anything drastic. I value her advice over most people's because she is my mother and knows me very well, and is open to the whole situation, unlike those who automatically think that I should "not be affectionate to him at all and dump his ass right now"
what I have with him is too ...i guess, special, as gay as that sounds- too special to just throw away like that.
All relationships take work. For example, Andrea and Lance. I talked to her a lot yesterday and she told me how things were from her perspective- which is probably very similar to Matt's right now. I'm starting to understand more. Given I'm still untrusting of him, and I will still be untrusting- I will always believe that he loves me, just as Andrea said- Lance stopped believing it and that hurt her.
and I hate female hypocrites, girls who get hurt by guys- who do horrible things to them- then go back to them anyway. DONT TELL ME I AM A FOOL when you constantly go back to that one guy who leads you on, kisses you, goes and kisses other girls, leads you on some more then drops you- and then you go back, all the time, constantly- it was always either "OH I AM SO IN LOVE WITH THIS GUY WHO IM KIND OF DATING BUT NOT REALLY?" or "HES SUCH AN ASSHOLE!". So DON'T talk to me about "being a fool". You're twenty times worse than I am, and that isn't the only time shit has happened to you where you've 'forgiven' them for it when they didn't even feel sorry.
I'm catholic. Maybe I am not the most religious person, but I believe in the basics: be kind to people, be a respectful person, forgive. I've never met anyone so sorry for doing something, so regretful, as he is about that one night. Sometimes I think I AM being naive and stupid- but then I talk to him and I know I'm right. That he matters more than anything.
I don't know why Caitlin is making things up...if she is at all. One theory Matt and I came up with, was that she didn't think it would get out past Jessie and it did so she had to stick with it, another was that...well, I don't know. Maybe she is trying to get us to break up? I don't know.
Well,...it is Christmas. I got a digital camera, and a printer and printer paper and ink jet and a memory disk...yessss all the trimmings, and I am happy:-)
I would trade it all to make things the way they were, of course...but I can't...so I may as well just enjoy what I have.

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