pittsburgh was fucking awesome
well, we went to ohio first. saw my aunt, uncle, and my sweet 25 year old cousin who gave me advice. it was cool taking to her, because i never really did. i guess it was about time one of us broke our weird silence. all it took was...for us to be alone in the living room, her getting ready to go out, and i said "Amy, has a boy ever cheated on you..."
and it was like this wall was broken down and we were talking like we were close. it was really cool.
saturday we saw grandma, who is a bit senile but very sweet. then i forget what we did, but i SHOPPED AT URBAN OUTFITTERS AND I FUCKING LOVE THAT STORE MORE THAN MANY THINGS.
and i got cool stuff but it was expensive. Thanks Andrea for telling me about it!
then we went and ate and saw my cousin's husband, Tim. he's pretty kickass, ...he drove me back to his place,-my parents and teddy were going too cos we were spending the night there, and i didnt have a jacket and the car was way away- and here is another wall shoved away.
he went on to me about this and that and i just...opened up about stuff i do. he knows what's up.
ursula's cool tooo...i've known ursula since i was way little, and seeing them was great. i love their house, my parents own it and they rent it from us...i remember when we totally renovated it, it was so gross and we made it wonderful.
anyway, i showed Ursula pictures and she thinks Matt is very cute (he is:-D)
ahhh so much matt drama. we had a tiff because of something hatchet said, then...him and his parents had their own feud, well, his dad and him. and he ended up leaving his house saturday night and walking to goins house. from his house. craziness.
so he's probably going to not live there anymore, i don't know. he talked to his mom tonight, after she called my cell phone twice, my house once and a bunch of other people.
ANYway- saturday I saw rachelle and amanda then maria and emily...it was an awesome, incredible trip down memory lane...the old neighborhood... everything. i love my old friends so much, and i have pictures which i hope to put online soon.
then after that- my parents came and got me, and our old, old house- the first house i ever lived in until i was 7- was being sold and had an open house, so we went to look. it was nice, it made me cry a little. in a good way...in a...i remember running down this little sidewalk in my fancy easter dress...and i lost a tooth in an apple out on this porch, and no wonder grandma tripped on these stairs, look how steep they are! didn't i feed teddy on a couch in this room, don't we have a picture? everything is so small seeming now! i can't beleive i ate pancakes there, how was there room? remember when i broke my pinky in this door because i was mad when you wouldn't let me rake leaves? goodness...it's all still the same...
i took some pictures, it was very nice.
then we were on our way home!
got home around 530...went and found matt at kevin's apartment, after checking at goins'.
he was holding up really well after everything that happened. i know i would have been so sad. we went downtown and got soda, and just sat in panera and talked for a while. my phone rang off the hook- his parents, goins, hatchet, dusty, MY parents cos his had called my house...
im picking him up before school tomorrow. it's kind of cool that he's even going, considering he's so open to skipping, and had to go out of his way to find a ride before i offered to give him one.
and we layed on goins couch and he played with my hair- and all my feelings of doubt just dissapated. all those times i thought i'd go on a break, mess around with someone else- all those angry, hurt feelings just washed away under his love. thank God it's getting better, it really is. i can just tell in the way he looks at me, how he grazes my face with the tips of his fingers and kisses my nose... things are looking up.
that's what i stayed for- it's all the faith i had in him and us.
i guess that's just what you have to do sometimes, is have faith. i lost it so much and really- it's a mindfuck. we fought on the phone when i was in pittsburgh. dad and ted were in tjmaxx. we basically hung up on each other and i went into this store...and just stood there, amongst low price flashy clothing. i stood there and saw black, felt nothing. i couldnt really cry because it wasn't like that.
i wanted to touch him. i wanted to smell him, i needed him there...i never wanted to fucking see the bastard again in my life! my love...
i guess that's how it is when someone else has your heart. your mind is left to deal with the matters, and it only knows your own logic. so it weighs out the options, and none seem possible, none seem right for the both of you.
i went back to the car to see he had called me quite a few times and left a message.
"liz... please call me... i don't want to fight when you're away. i don't want to ever fight. please call me. or pick up your phone...please"
and for all the fire i can ever muster inside of myself- he is the water to put it out.
i called him.
writing this is making me cry...
anyway...
it's just like... i remember every emotion i felt when i heard that message, how he was coming after me with peace- after everything i had said to him, he still wanted to make things right, i love him for it, i love him so much for it.
and he always does that, always always always. i bitch him out and hang up, he'll call back. and that's always want i've wanted, what i've needed ...is someone who won't give up, someone who will put out my flame. i just have this temper sometimes, and it's horrible. inherited from my parents, i guess. he just knows how to calm it.
and it's just all those things- that i'm still here for. yea, he lost a lot of my trust and some of my respect...a lot of my respect...
but he's still the same matt, the guy who tells me honestly when he thinks i'm wrong or if he thinks someone is using me or being rude, he stands up for me and tells me when i'm being weak. but in a supportive way, because he wants me to be strong like he is.
the only time he ever wasn't was when i found out what he had done...
and sometimes it's a comfort to know that i'm his weakness. i almost broke up with him on saturday. he had trouble talking.
but i don't want that, i more than just...like having him around.
he's my friend.
tonight, when we were getting back into my car...i said something like "this cyeerrr is so colllddd" and i meant to say car. like i pronounced it RETARDEDLY. and we laughed about that for a while...he actually laughed REALLY hard and i didn't think it was that funny or anything. but it was nice to see him laugh like that, because i know he's going through a lot.
i remember once, we were sitting on my couch. it was somewhat dark and we were alone. we were talking kind of, about nothing important, then he said the most...random, but, nice, thing- it was like something someone would say in a movie
"I love the way you walk"
then went on to explain it.
i guess there's nothing and everything left to say now.
except that... it's possible to exit the dark tunnel of infidelity without succumbing to it. it still bothers me sometimes. and i let him know. i want to get over it... i want us to move on so badly. part of me used to think...i wish it hadn't happened.
but he said in a letter he wrote to me recently...
"it's easy to love someone when there is nothing wrong but i think our love has had a few tests. you know, i think we are closer because we pulled through."

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