I have a lot of respect for Nick Consodine.
he's just one of those people. that i understand. he's so insightful really. we've been talking about love, and i really like talking to him about things... i feel kind of enlightened, as if these new ideas and thoughts were inside of me all along and now he's bringing them out. How can a guy, well, ANYONE be so good at giving advice? he's one of those people,the FAR and very VERY few in between who can understand. emotions and situations, he just gets it.

NickConsidine: stick with him
NickConsidine: hes so right for you
NickConsidine: hes tall and matt
NickConsidine: i dont know how else to put it
things with matt...well. they're fine. just fine. sometimes i feel like i'm falling out of love. I'll see him and be like..matt. ill hang out with him and it's just casual, like its not OH MATT YES...its like..matt's cool. uh, let's order pizza.
and then i think...maybe things really HAVE changed. he's not my perfect, ohmygoodness amazing boyfriend anymore. he's matt. he's still hot.
and he seems to feel the way he always has, always doting on me and wanting to see me and touching me all the time.
but then i think, God, thinking about NOT being with him makes me cry
maybe I'm PMSing.
but i just feel so..something! towards him! .. I WANT HIM HERE RIGHT NOW and i kind of don't want to see him.
i want the old matt, i want the old matt and liz...
before he went and did what he did
but nick told me that people make mistakes..

THpandex4U87: so i should really forget about what he did? and not let it bother me? not think, well, maybe he'll do it again, although he seemed so regretful-
THpandex4U87: and not be so hurt by it anymore?
NickConsidine: yes
NickConsidine: simply put yet
NickConsidine: YES*

and sometimes when he lays his head on my chest, i just play with his dark, beautiful hair. and look at him. look at his head. hope that deep on the inside he really is happy. i want so much for him to be happy. and i think about all the things i do for him and how i'd never change a thing, how i'd never ask him for gas money now that he needs a ride in the morning, and how i don't care if i buy him a soda cos he has no money. i get bitchy about things like that, but not with him. and then i think...nothing has changed, nothing i feel towards him has changed- it is my mental inhibitions telling me to never forgive what he did and i ...can't just not forgive him, if i'm going to SAY i fucking forgot about it then i shoud...forget. about it.
and tonight i thought maybe we were falling out or fading. just how i felt through the duration of us hanging out. and he walked me to my car, and i gave him a peck and said "bye matt"...and went to get in my car...and he said "...no.." and grabbed me. It was as if he, in hug form, was attempting to infuse his love into me.
and it was like the world stopped. all those pent up emotions that i suppose i try to shove away from myself and tell myself i don't care, came rushing back to me. and i grabbed onto him not unlike someone swimming the atlantic would grab a life preserver.
and i dont know how long we stood there. my whole body was glued to his in a sense. and i smeled him and felt him everywhere and it was almost as amazing as it used to be.
or, it was amazing in a different way. part of me is possibly falling away from him. part of me ... feels attatched, if we were to break up, my emotional left leg would be torn off and i'd be bleeding everywhere.
and theres just this fucking wall, that I HAVE put infront of myself around him, i get insecure sometimes, like HE would judge me. of all people! he would never ever judge me. i hate the wall, i hate it so much, i hate it i hate it.
its so hard to feel the same way i did because i'm sheilding myself from emotions that i really should allow.
and why would i even care about this at all right now, why would i be so bothered if i was really 'falling out of love'? i don't really think i am. sometimes it just really feels like it.
i like how nick consodine is a realist and can tell me to shut the fuck up when he knows i'm being rediculous.
i still cry about what he did...... i think i'm pmsing...
im ok im ok im okay
yesterday i had a caterpillar named edgar, it made me really happy. he was so small and helpless and i got him lettuce. everyone liked him.
and i realized my true religion jeans from ebay are actually fake so then i wanted a REAL pair but then i thought about how when i thought THESE were real they didnt make me that happy.
and i want another caterpillar, or something like that, something small.
matt never made me happy like that.
maybe he did for a while but now he can't
sometimes matt just symbolizes how i can be as anything as i want, how i can be pretty or not pretty or nice or not nice or happy, sad, i can be anything and i'll still suffer the selfish wrath of infidelity, i'm still not even good enough for a boy who never thought HE was good enough for anything, and i was just a figment of his wet dreams when he was younger.
so what does that even SAY!? does that say, hey liz...get a new boyfriend?
hey liz...get time to yourself?
hey liz. go to sleep because you're tired and about to menstruate so you're being rediculous.
wow i just read jes' diary her conversation with peter and it made me cry because a) crazy hormones all around and b) i just... i hear that.

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