it feels like it's slipping away sometimes
and i tell him how i feel. it's never nice...and he just gets so upset. and sad... and thinking about him sad. i just want to hold him and make it better, but then i realize that he never holds me to make it better. he never held me. he never acknowledged really how hurt i was. he cried about how sorry he was and i held him.
sometimes things are really good. sometimes they're really bad. i wish i could hug him right now, i wish we could lay on my bed and smile and talk, i wish his smell wasn't so confusing.
i want our connection back so badly but i just can't open up to him like i used to. he was my sanity, he was who i always went to, and now that the biggest disappointment- the hugest let down...was from him. and he couldn't be there, it was me and me alone, dealing with it, because no one else knew everything, no one else knew how it all FELT.
and it's at the point where it's not even the cheating anymore. i get so irritable with him, i force myself to think negative thoughts about him sometime.
he was perfect and pure before it all happened. i could never think a bad thing of him. he was my ally, my best friend. things have changed so much.
i think I'm PMsing though. i almost cried when i saw i had almost no gas in my car. which really isnt that big of a deal.
i just want to go back, so fucking badly i want to go back to before it happened and see us, to BE us... to be us when we went to that concert and walked around campus, watching through windows and walking on benches, kissing under streetlights. to be us when we'd walk around downtown and try to make each other run into poles and check out girls and make fun of stupid people. to be us when everyone was so envious "nothing hotter than matt freiji and liz hartman!". to be us when i kissed him in petco and the world stopped, i forgot where i was. to be us when we went to walmart to get fishfood and ended up staying there for an hour, looking at dancing figurines and haloween stuff. to be us back when my opinion of him was only positive, when he was My Matt, my loven,...i havent said that for so long. I don't feel it anymore.
this could be my ovaries talking.
i want it so badly, but i know that i'll have to sacrifice the justification of my feelings for it. it's a constant struggle within myself. sometimes i'm happy. sometimes i'm upset.
and part of me just doesn't care anymore. he didn't walk me to my car tonight. we hardly ever kiss anymore. his breath perpetually smells bad anyway, its always alcohol or weed or in-general-bad. half of the time when he touches me, i don't like it.
im so tired and PMsy, i shouldnt even bother with it
last night was cool...i barely remember it now but we got along so well and were so happy, and i left relieved and upbeat. this can work? we can make it alright, happy ever after..?
i'm really happy for my friends lately...laura, lauren, jessie and jess are so supportive... andrea has really been cool too, we just relate over how difficult it is to stay with someone when there are so many problems and ups and downs, but you can't possibly imagine yourself without them, ever.
i dont really even get that excited to see him anymore. its just..oh we're going to go sit. at goins house. or we'll go eatsomewhere and not even have money. oh yay.
but i still feel it. this little flicker. that was once a roaring fire inside of me, my love for him; i search inside myself to see if i can find it, while it hides inside the deepest crevises, too scared to reveal itself for fear of being put out completely. he was the one with the water. he nearly killed it.
and i just want to put my head on his shoulder and feel him there. smell his neck and play with his hair and hear him talk to me.
everything is jaded, with faded edges.
because everything is punctuated by what he did to me, all his loving words and actions, it ruins the sentance.
I love you ?
just like that. he can say it. he can caress my face and kiss my forehead and stare at me with his beautiful eyes and i can feel his love, but then i remember how he was with someone else. how he kissed someone else, how he held someone else. and i can't feel special, i can't feel loved.
i'm outside in the rain and i miss the warm fleece jacket that once was him, now just a crappy poncho you get for free at the niagra falls. and it has holes in it.
so many analogies. and none seem to quite do justice to how i feel.

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