lost for you, I'm so lost....
and it's not lost in the way that you're happy to be in that state. it's lost as in.. I have no idea where to go from here. with him.
I don't want to go to school tomorrow.
only what, 4 people know this password? laura, jes, shelby. maybe not shelby cos i didn't even know it when i told her what it was.
so i guess it's cool to write what i want now, and since no one can read it really it won't start drama, i just need to get feelings out. i don't plan on unlocking it anytime soon.
i honestly...have such loathsome feelings towards hillary. she is one of the most horrible people i know, or used to anyway.

she lies so much and is such an incredibly fake person. she says she wants to do this and that with her life and that she doesn't create drama- why would she go and tell andrea !! i mean! that's rediculous, if she didn't want anymore drama, if she didn't love this drama, why would she go running up to andrea out of nowhere and tell her "liz talks so much crap"
honestly i think she just wants everyone to hate me. i want her to leave me be. i don't even talk crap on her to laura and lauren anymore, i don't say ANYTHING about her and neither do they.it's just such a tired subject now, we keep repeating the same things anyway, so why even talk about it. just like hillary keeps doing and saying the same things over and over- how she is such a good person, she says, but then talks so much crap, says so many pointless, untrue, mean things about me. she plays this 8th grade game and i hate it.
i hate how she has to always have attention, how she constantly needs to be loud and annoying and in the limelight. i don't understand why people even talk to her, she's so annoying, she sings loud in people's ears and farts and burps and makes huge deals out of everything.
this is actually making me feel better. sometimes i wish i didn't hate her so much. just so i wouldn't get so upset when i saw her. but honestly she treated me like i was worthless when we were friends. she contradicted everything i ever said- she didn't even have her liscence and everytime i'd drive she'd yell at me for not braking soon enough or how i would make this turn or that or this and it got so annoying and upsetting, like i wasn't ever good enough for her at all. it got to the point where i was afraid to talk because everything i said was either wrong or stupid, and she'd either contradict it or make fun of me loudly so everyone would think i was stupid.
andrea actually did that too, to my recollection. after hillary told her i was tlaking crap- which i wasn't, that statement in my diary was not about hillary at all..and it just reminded me of andrea, and i had to tell hillary SOMETHING so she would shut up, bvut you can never count on hillary to shut up. ever. she ran and told andrea and embellished it so much and made me sound horrible.
anyway, andrea was going on about how i harassed her and this and that when we were friends- but really she just ditched me for lance all the time and made fun of me a lot.
this is why i have problems with having friends. they treat me like crap. and sometimes i think maybe i treat THEM like crap, but i never tried to, i never wanted to treat someone i LIKED like crap. all i want to do is be THERE for my friends, really. i mean, my friends mean a lot to me, they're often there for me as well.
i don't know what's going on for jessie lately though. she seems real distant with me and i guess now she's all chummy with hillary, which sucks.
looks like i need a hobby. to get my mind off of how jessie only seems to quasi like me lately. i didn't even do anything really.

i don't know how i would have pissed her off...i guess just by being myself. i seem to do that a lot, annoy people just because i'm me. i annoyed sasha in 8th grade for no reason.
i don't even do annoying things, like i'm not usually loud or weird. i guess just how i am is annoying.
and i feel like there's really no one here to understand, i guess i have lauren and laura. lauren is such a good person. she's been one of my closest friends since 8th grade, although we had a falling out last year... and honest to God if i could go back, i'd look that bitch right in the eye and tell her she could go fall off a cliff. not Lauren I mean. I'd be Lauren's friend.
Laura has been awesome lately too. We were never that close ever but she's a real cool girl and I like her a lot.

It's just weird sometimes. Lauren is close with Hillary... and all Hillary seems to want to do is spread lies about me and tell people I'm doing these horrible things and saying things when I'm not.
and Laura is close with Andrea, who makes up stories about how I "harassed" her when we were friends. That girl is only an angel, according to herself- and all her malicious intentions are seen as deserved.
This is why I don't want to go to Penn State, I just want to go where I don't know anyone at all, to start over anew. Get away from old conflicts and people who think they know all about me.
and then it comes down to me being afraid of being hated. It's alright when a few people don't like me, but really, I don't want to hear about how people are saying things, it's like 8th grade. And I have to now be stronger and not let history repeat itself. If the situation refuses to change, then I need to.

this seems to always happen to me, where i'm caught between things and so and so hates me and so and so blahblah. so I think...what am I doing wrong. Wasn't I right to not want to be Hillary's friend anymore when all she did was bring me down and talk crap and fight with me all the time? Then almost lose me my job? Am I not right for standing by what I believe in- that she's a bad person and I don't want to associate with her? Or should I just forget about it, forget about how I feel and try to make peace. I'm not sure if I could, after the Andrea incident. I'm just at shock that she would do that, go running up to andrea- and say "liz is saying this and this and that about you!". That's, ...there aren't even words.

I don't want to go to school tomorrow.

***

so here with the Matt thing.

I was looking through my digital camera tonight, and I saw all these pictures of us being cute and videos of us...

but actually, those were after the cheating.

I really think the cheating was a catalyst for a total downfall. I miss the way we used to be, we could make hapiness out of nothing. I miss how close we used to be. I want to just cry about it. I want to sit in my room and slam the door with remorse, hit my pillow with frustration, lay cold in ehxaustion.

It feels like our problems are beyond fixing. I don't even know what they really ARE. Everything ticks me off...or makes me sad. He's just so fucking thoughtless when it comes to me now. He needs to go the extra mile for me, especially when I'll go the extra ten miles for him and that's all I do now, I'm always always always there for him, whenever he needs someone
and i just can't continue being that for someone who won't even write me a fucking damn note.

HE CAN SIT AND FUCKING WATCH TV FOR HOURS BUT CANT WRITE ME A DAMN NOTE. CANT MOTHERFUCKING WRITE ME A NOTE, CANT FUCKING CHARGE HIS PHONE EVER SO UH "SORRY LIZ WE CAN'T TALK MY PHONE IS DEAD"...CAN'T MOTHERFUCKING JUST SPEND TIME WITH ME, NO IT'S ALWAYS ME AND HIS FRIENDS- AND IF IT IS JUST US, WE HAVE SEX. I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING HAVE SEX ANYMORE, I JUST WANT TO TALK. COMMUNICATE. WE'RE NOT CLOSE ANYMORE AT ALL AND I TELL HIM THIS AND HE GETS MAD. WELL WHAT ABOUT HOW I FEEL? IT NEVER FUCKING MATTERS! WHEN HE CHEATS ON ME HE CRIES AND I HOLD HIM, I NEVER FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING FUCKING EVER GOT HELD!!!!!!! AND I SHOULD HAVE BEEN CRYING!!! IM SO MAD!!

fuck you matt freiji!!! fuck you for being everything for me then ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AT ALL. fuck you for thinking you can just hug me and smile at me and think that's enough. it's not. go find some damn insecure ugly girl for that. to keep someone as amazing as me, you need to BE SOMETHING. you are GOING NOWHERE, you never even go to school anymore.

i write you notes, i buy you food, i drive you around, all i want is to spend time with you and talk to you like we used to. you just DONT GIVE A SHIT about anything and when i try to talk to you on the phone, if i ever get to do that anymore, all you say is HOLD ON LIZ and talk to people who are there, occaisionally saying a word to me.

you don't even care how i feel. when i try to tell you that SOMETHING IS SERIOUSLY WRONG you just get mad.

we used to talk on the phone all the time. we used to drive in your car and laugh about everything. we used to go places and it wouldn't matter where because we were together.

if you saw me crying right now you'd just get mad, as if my tears were an insult to you, and not a repercussion of your uncaring.

odd years always sucked, ever since 3rd grade. i thought maybe he would be the reason that this one didn't. but no, he's the reason it does.

i feel so empty right now. all i want is who he used to be, and what we used to be. he doesn't notice the difference but there really is one. he's not loven anymore. he's not my matt. he's just matt. i don't feel like i can go to him with problems anymore cos he just doesn't seem to care, the one who was always so supportive. when i tell him this, he gets offended and says "i wish you wouldnt say that"...but come to think of it, did he ever say it wasn't true?

i wish i was strong and confident on my own. i wish i didn't need him, someone who can never be there anymore- unless i drive to go see him. and i have a fucking flat tire...fuck seeing him tomorrow night.

he doesn't deserve me. i''m too good for him, at all times. he's not BAD to me. he's just not anything to me. i'll bet he won't even buy me a rose for valentine's day, saying he doesnt have enough money (the whole 1 or 2 dollars) but WILL buy 10 dollar vodka every friday night.

and if i really mattered, he would go the extra mile to spend a dollar on a rose for me. infact, he'd buy me a whole bouquet...i'd do it for him, i even thought about it. i'd stretch my money for him...i make a lot less than him now and i pay for gas all the time to see him too, he doesn't have to pay for gas.

but i might not get him anything, because even if he had lots of money, i'm not sure if he would. he's just fucking thoughtless like that. he only got me lingerie(sp) for christmas, that and a candle, and finally he wrote me a short note on crappy, rumpled paper after i bothered him for it. what did i get him? a case of his favorite root beer, a little thing of cologne, the fucking Godfather DVD set that he had wanted so bad (ebay). and a HUGE toblerone bar. and i wrote him this wonderful, beautiful, loving card. a nice card i had gotten from wegmans.

and i got shit for it.

this was before he stupidly moved out, so he even had money.
if he DOESNT FUCKING CARE, IF I DONT MATTER, WHY DOESNT HE JUST DUMP ME...WHAT, DOES HE WANT ME TO DO IT?? so he doesn't feel like the bad guy? even though...

i don't know
it's hard loving someone who, in their words, returns all you give to them. but in actions you may as well not exist.

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