so I look at my phone. the display reads "I Heart Matt". I'm upset with him right now sort of, so I thought,... I should change that, just to spite him
but then I remembered how he put it there when i wasn't in the room and I saw it, looked at him and smiled..."why'd you put that there! it used to say freespirit!"
"i know..." and he seemed as if he wasn't sure whether to pretend he hadn't done it or admit to it.
and it was one of those cute moments.
the kind we don't really have that much anymore
and it rips me apart inside how he isn't calling right now and he knows i'm upset, how when i'm upset he just doesn't care, how i'm always at fault.
and i was talking to james about it tonight at work and i said.. why can't things be like they always were... you wanna know why i really loved him so much?...and i listed all these things about matt...only to come to the conclusion that i really still do love him more than anything.
and i think about his face when he's sleeping. one of the many mental imagines i have of him. and i think about how much i love watching him sleep and how much it hurt when i invited him to sleep over tonight and he said it's too risky and we'd get in trouble
but we've done it before though? twice? and all went well?
yea, it really hurt. and it also hurt when vince came up to me and said "why are you mad at matt today...he says you do this all the time"
but i wasn't mad at him. i just didn't understand why he all of a sudden began treating me differently after i cracked one stupid joke.
vince: i want a lapdance
me, sarcastically, obviously kidding: i'll give you one
matt: what the fuckt
and at first he was pissed and i understood. but then he wouldn't be very affectionate with me and was real distant and wouldnt make eye contact. so i got up and went back to shakespeare for a while.
maybe it was my fault. but he dealt with his feelings wrong. why can't he ever just tell me when i hurt him, so it doesn't happen again? why does he have to just treat me like crap?
but i think i might treat him like crap too. i wish he'd call me. i want so much more than anything for that, for him to tell me he loves me, it barely ever happens anymore. for him to say... liz im sorry. he always apologizes for things he has no assosciation with, like..."matt my eye hurts" "im sorry"
"matt you hurt my feelings" "well what the f- yaddayadda"
but it's not always like that too. i mean. he does care.
sometimes if i cry he cares. but that's my secret weapon and i only do it..well when i can't help it really. when the hurt is too much i will. normally i don't like to, but it's about the only thing that makes him forget he's mad and say "aww liz...come here..."
he used to always be like that, and then again, i was never upset.
i found a song that reminds me of where our relationship will ultimately go, seeing it from this point.

"dear liz" by speechwriters llc

Same ten songs on the radio and I still don't have a job
They call this summer vacation, I'm numb with frustration
I've turned myself around so many times I don't know where I'm going
If you can see me try not to scream because
There's nothing that's wrong with me that's not wrong with everyone
It's just that I'm aware of what gets me down and what takes me there
And what makes me hang around with surrogate family and friends who can't stand me
And part of me's thinking I'll just throw in the towel

But I need to start making money so I can have money
So I can spend money on things like girls and music and hash and bread
So I can eat daily and not drop dead
But the letters of rejection, they keep piling up
The position's all filled and I'm shit out of luck
I really need to get some resolution here fast
'Cause tomorrow afternoon they're gonna shut off my gas

Dear Liz, come back to California and save me
The summertime's driving me crazy
It isn't even fourth of July
Thing is, you probably think that I'm lazy
Jobless and taking it easy
When I'm about ready to die

The night's too young and I feel too old
To be home alone watching a cigarette smolder
Down to the lips that shouldn't be there
But I'm too drunk to notice, too tired to care
That I'm killing time like it's a friend of mine
And it doesn't even matter that the sun still shines
'Cause I'm here and it sucks and I'm broke, my life's a fucking joke
I see another couple holding hands, I'm gonna choke to death
And with my last breath I can holler out your name because it's all I got left
I'm wishing I'd thrown that towel back when I could have, should have

Dear Liz, come back to California and save me
The summertime's driving me crazy
It isn't even fourth of July
Thing is, you probably think that I'm lazy
Jobless and taking it easy
When I'm about ready to die

....

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