Matt and I are on a break.
For all the shit he did, there are ten bitchy things I said and 20 wrongful accusations I threw at him. Our problems were mutual, we both caused them. He did a lot of immature things that were a result of prolonged desperation and frustration, just as the million times I screamed at him and hung up on him and ignored his calls when I was exasperated.
We decided to be friends and still talk. I still want him in my life, even if he's not my boyfriend right now. I'm at peace with the arrangement we've made and I'm happy for it.
We were fighting. a lot. I told him every little reason for why I felt as if the relationship was abusive and not right. Then he told me why he felt as if I was abusing him right back, and lo and behold, I was put in my place.
He's an ass to me some of the time. I'm rude and inconsiderate towards him more of the time and I didn't realize it, but now that I really THINK about all the times I doubted him and all the times I accused him of outlandish things, I really was.
And we fought. We were both so pissed at each other. There was a silence, and I noticed that the room was mildly spinning. My stomach turned and I felt woozy. Really breaking up with Matt?
I cried. He held me. I told him that I really felt so lost and as if I couldn't do anything to fix our situation.
He kissed my forehead.
Were we even together then?
He pushed my hair off of my face and wiped my tears. "Don't cry, it's alright.."
We went to his room and talked about it all. How we both need to be more considerate and respectful towards each other, how I need to understand that he can't devote all his time to me and has commitments to his parents some of the time. He needs to understand that I'm not ALWAYS accusing him or trying to play the victim when I make a statement about how I feel. I want to make things better ....
Right before I left, I asked him if we were together or not. He didn't know. We contemplated this then came to the conclusion that we should take away the title. But remain friends. And not act like a couple.
I thought to myself...so you're just Matt now?
and then he said "So now..you're just Liz?"
It was weird but nice how we thought the same thing. We actually used to do that all the time, and it meant a great deal to see it return.
I thought about it on my way home and realized that this could be akin to a new beginning. We could just talk. And not be touchy or worry about sexual attraction or any other facades which work to cover up a failing communication.
He's coming over tonight. I'm looking forward to it because I know it will be different. We won't lay on my bed and cuddle, we'll talk. I won't kiss him, I mean, he's Matt. My friend, not my boyfriend, and I don't kiss guy FRIENDS 98% of the time.
there have been exceptions but really not many
and anyway this situation is different.
I wonder if he has called me. I have homework to do anyhow.
I'm excited to start this new "friends" thing. We can just talk as people and not as, i don't know, lovers, a couple, and there isn't that extra degree of attatchment and therefore less stressful at this stage in the game.
I'm content.

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