the longer I don't update, the less I want to because more goes on.
Vendetta Red is coming on the 27th, I hope my parents let me go, ...maybe this report card won't be too bad? No D's?
hahah I had a 4.2 freshman year, then a solid 3.8 all sophomore year- I thought THAT was bad, because Andrea always had a 4.0, and I was like, wow, I wish I had a 4.0, my 3.8 sucks.
but now, I'm hoping so much that I'm atLEAST a 3.0...B average. Mom will shoot me in the face if it isn't.
Yesterday she went on to me about how I'm doing so bad in school and how I'm not going anywhere bladeehbla, who DOESNT hear that from their parents. I'm not doing that horribly though, I mean, I have B's, a few C's and maybe two A's....that's not like...horrendous?
but anyway, you know how French people spit at the ground in disgust? Well, she was ranting about how I suck this and that and whatwhowhere, and I said "uh mom I have B's" and she was like :PF'THOO: on the ground, throwing her whole body into it. I was amused and somewhat angered- does she think I'm that frivilous as to be offended by that? who does she think she is, a mino character in Monty Python?
she bitched about how I should have straight A's.
"mom. did you have straight A's in highschool?"
"no"
"um??"
"STOP SPENDING SO MUCH TIME WITH THAT BOYFRIEND OF YOURS, HE DRAGS YOU DOWN"
(note: I only see Matt on weekends because I stay home every night and read sleep or study.)
"mom, stop using him as your scapegoat, you always do that and you know I barely am ever with him"
"stop using him as YOUR scapegoat!!!"
"..what??"
so her arguments made no sense. basically. and i couldn't formulate any good counter-arguments, because...how do you debate with someone who is, to say, a mad hatter?
and she went on about how I'm not going to get into college and how she won't pay for it anyhow cos she thinks it's a bad investment cos I'm going nowhere anyhow....or am I??? AH! who would knowith!
this was all started because my German teacher was mad I left early once and called my parents complaining. UpppTheeAssAnaallllFrauGeigerIST.
so today. before I went to work, I left my most recent U.S. History quiz that I received a 100% on yesterday on the table. With a note, that said-
"Dear Mommuh. Looks lak I ain't gointa gradeeayte haghskewl! I ain't never gon get a kolluge eddykashun!"
I hope she liked that one. Bitch.
***
anyhow, I love Hillary Ward. she's like my soul sister or something. we sit at lunch and make fun of things around us. such as the loud ghetto people who elbow me when I get up, and how we wanted to throw pineapples on them cos they're just so inconsiderate. Carlos came over and was like MERRHH DUN SAY NOTHIN STOOPID and i was like, HM speaking of stupid.
I'm not racist. I know some really cool black people. one of my mom's best friends who I've always liked is black- I've known him since I was little. His name is Alvin and he's an artist, and very cool. Along with Ed, who is not black, but Alvin&Ed are a pair- my mom's two best friends. We always spent time with them and they were so fun.
Chvonne....I don't know how you spell it, but she's in my gym class and she's mad hilarious. ("It's pink, I won't touch that.")
so yeah. I generally don't even NOTICE people are black until they go out of their way to be steriotypical, such as loud and arrogant and talking in such slang that no one can even understand what they're saying. I actually feel bad about writing that, because they are people too. I just wish they wouldn't elbow us and stuff, and scream at lunch, and whatnot.
I thought a lot today about Matt. about us. about how it was, and how it is, and it's not that different if I don't make it. We're much closer now, but I love him with all my heart. He feels the same way and I know it, I know it when we're in a fight and he calls at 4 in the morning nearly crying, wanting to talk to me. I know it when he hugs me and I catch him smiling all goofy-like. I know it in his eyes, when he looks at me- they're focused as if I'm the only thing they are capable of seeing. I know it in the passionate way he says my name. I know it when he comes over, and I'm laying out in the sun, he'll come lay with me even when he's in his work uniform. I know it when I smell like ass and body odor and other gross things, and he still wants to get as close as he can to me. I know it when he ignores his phone calls when we're hanging out. iiii know it when we're alone obviously, but even when we're with other people- he just looks at me. unless someone is talking to him obviously. but other than that...it's as if I glow to him.
I can recognize him from so far away through crowds of people. He glows to me, too.
We have our rough times, we have our fights. But he gets me. We come from similar families, we've had similar lives and simila changes in our lives. His parents are so mean to him about absolutely nothing and are rediculous just like mine. He has a "perfect"(in the eyes of momma and daddy) sibling, just like I do. He feels the same way about school and people as I do. We can just sit and talk about how retarded the world is. I wish him and Hillary got along better, because really, I get along with Hillary sometimes the way I get along with Matt...the world sucks, so let's laugh at it.
I was looking for a note I wrote to him in his room the other day and I stumbled upon one of his notebooks. It was pages and pages of how he felt about himself (I think it was old though), but it made me want to cry. I don't ever want him to feel that way. I've felt that way...I did last night, after my mom ripped me to pieces.
I looked at him laying on his bed, after I saw this notebook. His face was buried under a pillow and it looked as if he was sleeping, but I knew he wasn't. We were at odds over a certain subject that is currently dissapating- a very good thing that is.
Anyhow, I looked at him. And wondered if that was how he felt at the moment. He looked upset, he WAS upset, but so was I. So I just sat there. And watched him breathe. And felt his feelings, because I have that connection with him. I love his body. Not because it's attractive, or "hot", but because it's his. I love his scrawniness and the way his back curves. I looked at his mouth, the only thing visible under the pillow, and noticed it was distorted into somewhat of a relaxed frown.
don't feel badly, love...
I looked at his feet. There really isn't anything too special about them, I mean...they're feet. I remembered at the hotel, how he left his shoes on. They were huge and they looked funny at the end of his scrawny legs. I noticed this at some early, weird hour of the morning when we were somewhat sleeping, he was behind me on the pull-out bed and we only had a sheet because Hillary and Goins had the bed. This was such a long time ago- July of last year, I barely knew this Matt guy, and we just had a somewhat strange night together, so I felt odd.
I remember waking up. And feeling his hand on my back and lightly sliding up and down my side. Not in a sexual way, and I don't think he meant to wake me.
Sometimes I think he was in love with me then.
He called me the next day. I forget how he got my number.
We-Hillary, Jessie and I- were at the car wash and it was exciting. Or atleast for me.
"Do you do the internet thing?"
"you mean like, AIM?"
"yeah, do you have a screen name"
"t-h-p-a..."...
and we talked every night. I was still exiting my Nick thing, rediculous as it was. I want to say I was an idiot for all of that, knowing the kind of person he was and trusting him with so much of myself- but I can't regret it. I learned a lot from it, and I know what I'm worth now that I'm with Matt. He doesn't "treat me like shit" like I make him out to. I treat him equally as badly. I just get pissed and ramble to people and they are like, blah, dump him.
I guess he might come over tonight.
I guess I oughta do my homework before that occurs.

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