Liz, what's up with you...

I don't know. I feel wrong.

How?

I'm tired... that could be it, but I wasn't tired then, why can't I be like them?

You can if you wanted to, I think you're afraid to open up... what happened? All this we've been through, it's not possible that you can be who you were before, is a mental relapse possible? Shy? You? Yes, last year, but not now, never now- Yes, it is intimidating, I know, who are you really? The more things change the more they stay the same... you changed so much and here you are again, should this Summer be spent alone?

I don't want to be alone.

And I think- who could help me feel better? What could they say? I run through all my loved ones and closest people to me, and no one comes up, but myself. It only comes down to me- AND I KNOW I'M NOT GORGEOUS, I KNOW I'M NOT LIKE HER, I'M NOT 'HOT', I'M NOT ANYTHING- why, why are you back to this? This is what you started from, how could you let this tear you up inside? How could you be something you're not for so long and wonder why people don't like you? What I seem isn't what I am, I know it- ultieror motives are always so innocent with me compared to my illusions. It might be that book though, it's so depressing and turns me into what I loathe, causes me to become what I hate, and isn't that always the beggining of the end; becoming what you hate? Someone tell me...

I wish I had an older sibling to help me, to guide me, that is all I can ever hope to be for Teddy, God help him he doesn't ever feel the way I do right now, I hate being alone.

Why do you think you are alone?

Because I have deserted myself.

I could be surrounded by people but still feel lost and empty.

I'm not mad at anyone, I'm not even mad at all, it's me, I need to pull myself out of this, no one has done this- have you ever heard the saying, "we create our own hell," or, "we dig our own graves?"

I'm afraid of the world. I don't think I will succeed with people, I should remain an introvert, if that is a word, because I can't be like that. I can't be like them, - I want to, so much, but I can't. Who, what is holding me back? Myself- my fear is the only thing standing in my way, my own thoughts, I am imprisoned in my mind, this has been going on for a while.

I'm so blind.

Everything that happens- this was the straw that broke my back... people that hate me... alright, no big deal. (atleast that is what I tell myself). The fact that I have negative two friends and no one likes me or wants me around anymore, who blames them? I'm a dork... but, that's alright, all I need is myself, so I say. In a sense it is true, I'm on both ends of the leash, if that ever made sense.

Everyone has fun without me. I try to have fun but there is something missing all the time.

I know this feeling. It's the one I mistook so long ago for "boyfriend pangs". I have enough boyfriendish activity going on right now, even without Tim, - that isn't it.

I'm tired of being me. I want to be someone else.

I want to be some gorgeous girl with long hair and perfect teeth and a small nose and eyes that DONT LOOK WEIRD FROM THE SIDE, OR MANNISH OR RETARDED. I WANT A BIG BUTT. Maybe if I eat more. I'll get an ass- the only problem is, I always gain it in my stomach. I DONT NEED ANYMORE FAT THERE.

I want to be able to walk around and feel good about myself, and have eyes on me, I want girl friends! I don't have very many and I don't know why, they just don't like me, I guess. And, I say to myself on the outside, "oh well", but really I wish I had some girl friends to giggle with and all that stuff me, Maria and Em did. I think sometimes that back when I first moved I'd always think to myself "I don't need new friends"... and I didn't want them. Some of that is still in me, I wish I understood myself.

I want to be happy.

I'm tired of being all alone

I wish I knew myself.

I give up... I'm going to sleep

Liz

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