This was the e-mail that caused me to be reborn. before i was normal, but after my whole life was just fucked up. yeah. it was like after chris was gone there really wasn't anything else to be happy for. I doubt here ever knew how much he meant to me.

probably because i never told him, or showed him.... ...... this is why i hate sean.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Liz-

I've decided to take what you said last nite on the phone into

consideration. That's right, were through. Now, let me give my top 6

reasons why.

1. Everything I do has to follow from you with a why. Why this? Why

that? That's really annoying!

2. Everything I do that can be someone related to stupid, has to follow

from you with a smack on the head, or an attempt at breaking my leg by

kicking it.

3. Whenever I'm around you, it's "Let's talk about everyone ELSE that's

hot (not to be Marc though)" All I'm saying is, if you want to go out

with Sean or someone, be my guest.

4. Three words, "Calling My House"

5. You did what every other girl did, and that's become an annoying and

bitch-like as soon as I went out with you. Like everyone else, you were

a great friend but an annoying girlfriend.

6. I went out with you in the first place because I wanted you to be

happy. Now were both mad, so it's best we just stop now.

-Chris

i know this was almost half a year ago, but why does it still hurt? I've read this mail millions of times over, why do i still feel like crying when i read it? it's been in my inbox since december, why do i still pull my hair and shut my eyes tight, wishing it would go away? why do i...

WHY DOES IT STILL HURT??

it still stings, like a bandade being ripped off supposedly healed skin, but just now reopened the wound.

it makes me want to cry and scream and slap myself for what i did,.....

it brings back so much and i just can't take it.

oh, and why can't I delete it???!!! i try but i just can't..

god i miss him so much

....

It was like, i was so happy with him just being there, we weren't very girlfriend-boyfriend-ish, more like good friends with benefits.

but still

i really really liked him and he meant so much to me, and i didnt even know it until we broke up

and for a week everything was black.

...

heres a poem i wrote, a while ago

i know it's not the greatest, but it explains what happened

...

call it autamn, call it fall

so much that took place

i barely remember at all

just black space

but i do recall some

i know that i was happy

untile winter

took away the sun

as the leaves fluttered down

my heart rose to the sky

but when snow covered the ground

tears filled my eyes

you were here

your heart was near

a love begun

a story undone

my life somehow

is so cold now

the future bleak

my senses weak

just your smile

stayed with me a while

the way you talked

the way you walked over to me

do you miss me?

please say you do

i always loved you

and miss you too

a flash of light

my hands turn pale

those few words

stabbed like nails

the snow fell down

unforeboding ground

cold and crisp

it was over

tears cried dry

a sad goodbye

winter came

I blame

me

looked outside

at the pearly white world

missing the hapiness

i used to know

as fast as it came

you turk it away

the trees bare

leaves blown away

now its spring

my life drawls on

without you

can i hold on...

im farther away

than i thought i would be

from you

and my real self

lost in an illusion world

reality is so far from my grasp...

goodyre, for now,

someday, somehow,

i"ll see you then

a question unanswered,

...can we begin again?

you took a match and lit it

my world blew up in flames

i was too late with the water

can't comprehend the pain

I've always been your puppet

my life hanging by a string

propelled away from my real self

what could freedom bring?

trying to see through my blind eyes

wondering why some people despise

others who just want to be happy

is this my life?

so full of strife

that i am destined to pull through?

can't win this fight

dark as night

can't live without you

close my eyes

try to forget

what happened

in

the

fall

..

..

..

..

..

sign my gb, tell me what you think....

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