I've gone and figured it out.

I've found out why... why I'm such a a dork, why I've felt as if I've never 'fit in'.

A lot of people tell me this, and though it seems like such a blessing, it tends to be a curse.

Jordan told me this online when it finally hit me.

I'm really deep, you know, and I don't mean that as a compliment to me.

Thats why I have so few friends, REaL friends, I mean, I have accquaintances, but.... I mean people who have freed themselves from horrid tunnel-vision, and can see me for who I really am. People like Maria, Emily, Jordan, and sometimes Chris, who are kind of deep as well. And Abbie, Abbie is probably the deepest person I know, and she understands what it's like to be seen as weird instead of who you really are. And those others, people who are normal, every-day eople, like Lisa and Britney Whitworh, who aren't deep or necessarilly shallow, but they have some kind of horizon, and they can see what others cannot.

I want to be shallow. Just so I can fit in, and separate myself from my deep self.

nt that I don't like being deep, however, But, I'm like two seperate people, my 'deep' self, and the real me. Or is the real me my deep self? I don't know....

But it always interferes with who I realy want to be, and what I want to acheive.. especially in my social life.

Another aspect on social wellness: respect.

I can name so many people who are disrespectful to everyone. Especially me, just because I don't sit with the *preps* at lunch (what a tupid thing to call someone) I'mm all of a sudden trash and should be treated exactly like it. Dan Shore, for one, is just so mean to me. I hate peoplewho disrespect me, because I'll always resect peoplee s long as they do the same for me.

Needless to say, I have no respect for Dan.

You want to know why I like Lisa so much? Not because she's popular, or because I'm desparate for someone who'll really be my friend, but because she respects me. Shes not like the other pop girls, who don't respect anyone or anything but their boyfriends who are all *too stoned* to respect even a tree, and their abercrombie 30 dollar tee shirts.

Lisa's nice to everyone, even Alicia hay... but we're not going to go there in thiss entry. I'm going with ehr to this 'youth group' tomorrow night, gonna see who, exactly, this Pierre Leclaire really is. As far as i heard, he is extremely hot, but nomatter how many hot guys come along I'll always love you know who....

I still hate my hair, and you all know me...!:I found some more imperfections. The right side is longer than the left side, but if I put both behind my ears you can't tell. The layers are seriously messed up, and it took some time with the curling iron to make them look atleast semi-normal. and it's too short for me, I liked it long. But, I mean, it's alright.

I absolutely pigged out at ole bedford today, I even still have some snickerdoodles in my purse!! They're good, but, needless to say, my 'ab-quest' just gets longer, bumpier and harder. Did some curl-ups in the shower today, but since no one has really cleaned the tub in a while, I ended up only doing, like six before I almost threw up and got back on my feet.

I wonder what Maria thinks of me now. I mean, we've kept our email convos just to short bits of html stuff, like suggestions and random html talk. It'sa ctually fun, because I feel kind of obsessed now, every day in school I think of what I could do to make my diary look more 'me'. This diary looks like the normal me, maybe I'll make threalizzles more artsy/deep me. I'll try, try hard, but I don't know...

now I have to go work on my project before I fall asleep.. better get some coke...

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