this entry, I know is going to be long, so bear with me

i have to get it all out, or it will eat me, rip me, tear me.

Saturday night, after I got back from Pizza hut, after I had cleaned my Grandmother's house... I was sitting in their living room. Everyone else was sleeping but me and her. I was already sad because mom had yelled at me for supposedly *intruding* into their "adult" conversation, so I had just gotten in from the dark night, sitting outside, leaning against the van, my heart beating like the unforgiving rain as it splattered onto my body.

We talked about the move.... And I cried. Attempting to stop the gales of tears flowing from my bloodshot eyes was impossible... I may as well try to outlive the mini-appocolipse raging on inside of me.

I thought that I'd be strong without you

But I'm weaker

I thought that I'd be rich without you

But I'm broke

I thought that I'd be happy without you

I cry louder

I thought I'd grow without you

never been shorter

I thought that I'd be smarter without you

But I'm helpless

You thought that I'd be stressed without you

you were right

I think you know who you are.

And I forget a lot, but it made me realize just how much I didn't want to move, sometimes I just need someone to talk to who will actually listen. Thanks, grandma.

Sunday I got up around noon, we had lunch then picked teddy up at the Sand's. It was sad, depressing, like something inside of me, this feeling, I wouldn't let go of, and as it festers inside of me I grow weaker. It was slightly an overcast day, which only added to my insanity. Teddy, my little brother whose throat hurt today, watched Matt walk down that once so familiar street to go to Kyle's as we drove away. It made me think about so much, either you or that person walk away. And though Teddy can only be very sure he will see Matt again, I can't say so myself. Again, you know who you are.....

We drove and I copied answers for the science packet from someone else's because I didn't much feel like doing them myself, then I worked on some word searches, then read the rest of The Wildflowers. I can't wait to get Into the Garden.

Drove, drove and drove some more as I played Survivor and Bootylicious over and over in my CD player, thinking about the many freak occurences that could randomly, um, occur. Any different possibility of us moving back.

No one understands. They all tell me to let go. Of what? The only life I've ever known, the people that once were so near to me, the ones who knew everything about me? Should I just toss those gold memories into the trash only to make new, tarnished, fake ones?

sorry, but I can't.

We stopped at the Altoona mall, I swear this mall has everything. A Rave, a Deb, a Wet Seal (contempo), a Hot Topic (lol, funny shoes), A Gadzooks, TWO juniors departments (hehe) and a bunch of other clothing stores for people my age, I just can't remember what they are called at the moment. Finally got more Clinique moisturizer, (my skin has been too dry lately, urgh) and, ever heard of those clean and clear oil wipe things? clinique has them now, and I got some of those also.

mom and I walked back to, (I think it was Kauffman's) To wait for Dad and Teddy, because They had gone off to the food court and KB. There was this really cute beach bag with a visor, random sunglasses, a little pouch and a camera. It was supposedly 19.99, but on sale for 12 something. After much debate of what color, I bought one. Heehee, I have my own camera, a visor, funny chunky sunglasses, a puoch for change and a beach bag now! That's, how many birds with one twenty?

Drove a little more and got to the *town of sunshiine* hahaha, of state college. It's about finalized now, mom and dad showed Teddy and I the acre of land we are going to build our house on. It'll probably be done in a year, give or take a month, and we can have some privacy!!! Mar15241, I hear you!!!!! This little apt just ISN'T cutting it when it comes to wanting to just BE ALONE!!

(who saw THAT coming? anyone?) (lizzles says in refferance to the move to *little happy penn state*)

After looking at the lot and checking out its, er, 'wonder', we went to a nice little chinese restaraunt called 'something (can't remember) Mongolian'. I figured it would be another cheap chinese plae with okay food, but....

Was I ever wrong.

This place was not only amazing, but just,... peaceful. The food was excellent, and light harp music on the pentatonic scale floated in the content atmosphere. Teddy got some Green tea and Egg-drop soup. I got sweet and sour chicken along with a nice portion of fried rice. Mom and dad bot got sweet and sour pork along with fried rice. Mom also got some sort of chicken, I can't remember the name, but it looked rather delicious with broccoli and the shiny brown sauce on it. I don't know why, but this palce ommited such a peaceful air, an abundance of true well-being, that for the first time in a long time I wanted to smile just for the sake of smiling. I was truly happy for the first time in a while. I could tell from the warm feeling inside of me that once contained only ice and cold, frozen sadness.

We left the restaraunt, and I hoped so much that we would go back there someday.

Got back to the apartment, and dad pointed out that he had brought my bike over, and now it was locked up under the bike rack thing along with the other bikes. I walkd over to it and smiled. Remembering everyhting that happened on that bike, with Rachelle, and Amanda, and all the kids on Galaxy, Langport, the supposed peanut, the curb, and meteor.

Only those who I have known for longer than I can remember would know what I was reffering to when I said those names.

though it may seem crazy, I whispered softly, just quiet enough for the bike and I to hear, "remember the neighborhood, don't forget it, Never forget it,".

I made a silent vow to myself always to remember everything,

1161 Galaxy circle, Pittsburgh PA, 15241.

and all those other streets I'd roam with Amanda and Rachelle, all the 'supposed adventures' we had running onto the words, practically jumping into the disgusting lake, full of sulfer.

And the pool house, and all the streets that branched from Mayview we had trodded on, too many times to count.

Then I get home and sign online. there is something going on between Mar15241 and Emilotchi, but sometimes what you don't know can't hurt you, As if the lies are as pure, if not cleaner than the truth. In other words, I'm not getting involved because I'm tired of fighting, the war just isn't worth paying for

I forgive you, Alex

And it feels so good to release the hate within my heart, and watch it turn into crystal doves, flying to the sky, soaring to heaven.

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