On My Own.... Pretending He's Beside me...

so maybe it's not a matter of a "he" anymore. It's a matter of myself. And my parents, and my Aunt, who is dying... and, and everytime I think about her I want to crawl in a hole and just cry until I can't feel anything, know anything or care anymore. I can't go see her this weekend, schedule clashes. She might die any day now.... I... I don't know what to think anymore. Bad things happen. Fights, bitch bus drivers, homework, missed drama, incompetent mothers, angry fathers, vegetable brothers, angry friends, sad relatives, Broken Apart Me it all happens.

I am so torn, so dead but I can feel every rip, every tear inside of me-

"you'd be the cause Liz, would that make you happy if your parents divorced?"

"I can't take you anymore!"

"Aunt Helen is dying.."

"Just go away Liz, just go away..."

So I did. I "just went away"

"Go fuck yourself, you're not worth anything more".

Well, fine.. I'm not worth it, what do you expect me to say? Should I question this for the millionth time?

"Aunt Helen! Don't die, please... God, don't ..."

and mom is drinking right now,.... Bud Light, evil demon. I'm afraid of her, what she'll do to me if she's angered.

Nothing means anything. I mean nothing to anything, anyone, I'm just me, not anything or anyone.

So HERE I AM!!!! Looking out again!!!!!!!!! Or am I looking in?? Why, whichever side I may be on- all of them are on the other??

GOD I need you now more than ever!!

I'm afraid of death, I'm afraid of fights, I'm afraid of my drunk mother, I'm afraid of bees and hornets and yellowjackets, I'm afraid of heights, I'm afraid of the dark sometimes, I'm afraid of ... I'm afraid of myself, whoever that is.

Love isn't anything anymore. It's just her bandage over the wounds she has created within me. She may have a physical bruise, but deep inside of me, there is a gash she has created that she'll never see, but I willl forevermore feel.

***

Moving on... from me, from the land mines scattered across my path of life, ...

Kassi has a birthday party on October 12.

Kassi and Tim broke up, she was cheating on him. At first I was mad at Ivan, wo had showed Tim the note, but... Kassi did kind of bring it upon herself, you didn't see TIM flirting with anyone else, Kassi was doing enough flirting for the both of them.

but she likes Bruno... ewwwww, and Ivan thinks he likes me, does anyone have a bucket, or a barf bag?

AREA tomorrow (it's a day 4!) Fantasy Football!!! Yeha!

Our bus driver is such a bitch. she assigned all the cool people in the back, and put me in the middle with sevvies. I started a petition. We have 39 or 40 people so far. We need atleast 50, and we only have like 15 or 20 that are actually on the bus!

I have had this weird obsession with classical music. Instead of Britney it's Bethoven, instead of Destiny's Child it's Mozart. I can't find Vivaldi or Tchaikovsky!!!! not cool! Oh, no Chopin either! ugh.

I started a story a week ago, and one of the mother characters is dying of cancer. I remember thinking "It's going to be tough... getting into these girls' minds, trying to express their confusion, anger and morose feelings about their mother's death...."

Now it willl be possible... but I'd rather have a shitty story, and not lose my favorite Aunt.

I'm returning the bracelet to its rightful owner tomorrow... I must admit, i liked wearing it, thinking "This is her bracelet! My former best friend's bracelet!" and I liked that thought, it was kind of like she was there with me, my confider. I haven't talked to the bracelet as of yet... so I guess it's a good idea to give it back to him.

I'm not quitting drama.... I might.... it depends how it all goes, and it depends exactly HOW shitty my part is.

I got reviewed for both diaires! Lizzles Review and threalizzles review. Amazing, eh? both 80+!

I have more ramblings but they're unimportant.

good night

(_iz

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