Okay.... This weekend was big, enormous, huge.... and, I might seem mad at some people, I'm going to try and express to you how I felt then, but I'm not mad at anyone now so don't spaz out on me!;-)

Thursday night, November first... We drove to the Washington Hospital straight from Pittsburgh. I walked in hoping we wouldn't stay long, I had things I wanted to do, people I wanted to call and such.... We got to the sixth floor, there were some relatives I recognized standing outside of room 631. Mary Anne (aunt Helen's daughter, my second cousin) and such. We walked in.

My First Impression: This isn't the right room... that frail, weak person, gasping for air... that's not Aunt Helen... it was though. .. They had her on morphine, she couldn't talk, she could barely breathe. I walked alongside a chair. People around, some I recognized and some I didn't, I remember their murmurs, I remember their tears... I choked. I left the room, trying to be silent, but ,.... this pain I never felt before, I have NEVER cried like that. Amy (aunt helen's daughter-in-law) escorted me to the family waiting room. I got a box of tissues. My whole body was shaking, my eyes stung and I couldn't feel my hands. I sat down and just silently bawled. Amy says to me, "Helen is Jesus's child.... she'll go to heaven and be in peace soon, honey,..."

Amy left and soon after my mother came. She says "you have to go speak to her, Elizabeth... she'll know you're there, though she can't talk..."

So I swallow my greif, frustration and tears and wipe my face. I try so hard to keep from just falling. I wanted to hit the ground, be part of the ground, just get walked all over because i had no energy. I walked into the room. Everyone stared at me as I approached the bedside. Aunt Helen was breathing so shallow, she looked so pale and lifeless... I said meekly "Aunt Helen... it's Liz..." I turned around and looked at my mother, then looked back at my Aunt "I love you.." I said, as my throat began to close up. Aunt Helen gasped in a breath and another, obviously trying to speak. Oh God at that moment.... I turned to my mother and mouthed "I don't know what to say"... she escorted me back to the waiting room. We cried, she left. They say misery likes company, but... I wanted to be so alone. I wanted to just become dirt and grass so I wouldn't even exist someday. I could hardly breathe, my eyes were so swollen, my teeth clenched together and my hands pulling at my hair. I took them down and they hung limply at my side. I didn't know what to do, so I waited for my family. They came back and after mom said goodbye we departed. Went to Grandma's... she was brought to the hospital, and I was left with Teddy and Grandpa. Tried calling Ivan, who just HAD to be online (that frustrated me), I didn't want to call Tim, Abbie wasn't home, and I didn't want to call Kassi.

Parents came home and Mom told me somethings Grandma had said to aunt Helen, like,.. "Helen, you're my younger sister.. I'm supposed to go first..." and we went to bed...

Friday, November 2, 2001 - Very blurry... I was empty and depressed all morning. We drove to the strip district and ate lunch at a nice place. We sat in a slightly cramped booth. I thought and thought about Aunt Helen, her voice, her happy eyes, the way she said my name, the way she walked... just everything. I began to imagine just how different things are going to be... I remembered her face, the way she tried to talk to me and my shoulders, my whole body shook with agony as I tried to talk to my mother who sat across from me. "She's going to a better place, I know she is, but I just can't...."

Infront of all those old ladies and young people and everyone in the restaraunt I sat there and silently cried with mom, Teddy didn't seem to care and Dad was still parking the car. I can't even explain this emotion, it's just so..... all over my body and in my mind and eyes and heart I just... was so sad and empty. You can't even comprehend this kind of thing unless you've lost someone as close and dear to you as my Aunt was to me.

After a lot of silent sobbing and forcing of food items down swollen throats, we exited the diner. We walked down the strip, not realy taking notice to anyone or anything. Dad entered a store so we followed suit. I browsed with mom and Teddy, dad looked. right infront of us were shelves of just stuff but we saw nothing. We walked around for a while and just looked at people and T shirts (Payback's a bitch!) ... but, I didn't think, or feel, just empty nd this space..... all I could concentrate on was that space inside of m that I knew Aunt Helen occupied, but it was all being ripped and torn apart.

I can't even explain this feeling, this sense of just how I was .. existing... Friday. It's like... I was there but I wasn't, everything passed by me like a lbur.

We entered a fancy Pakistani furniture store. The tables and sofas and chairs and lamps were beautiful. As it turns out, mom knew someone there. someone she hadn't seen for years. They talked and talked about the warrish thing that is going on. I listened, and just thought. I went to the side of the store and looked in a mirror, totally transifxed on my eyes. Could they really be seen through? Could one person look into me and see how sad I really am, really? Or could I fool them with one smile, one wink? Aunt Helen.... I couldn't even force a smile.

We left the shop, and before departing the southiside we purchased some beautiful white flowers. It was my job to carry them to the car. With tears falling down my face I hugged them to my chest and walked behind dad, infront of mom. We got to the car and I just hugged the flowers, Aunt Helen's flowers. mom says Aunt Helen loves pretty things, so to make her hospital room happier we bought her those... Mom called Ursula from a car phone.

"Uhuh. oh... oh...

"When did she pass away?... one o'clock.."

I looked out the window, not breathing, not thinking, not feeling, just... existing. I hugged the flowers so close and smelled them, 'she'll never see these flowers, they were for her...' and cried silently. mom had hung up the phone and was sobbing. My father was trying to offer his condolences, but it was to no avail. A few minutes later he dropped my mother off at her old workplace in Washington, so she could visit with friends she hadn't seen in years. He drove to Wal Mart.

I had calmed down by then and just sat there thinking. Dad got out of the car and went into the store. I was with the car phone. It was about 4:30. I called Tim because I had told him I would, and believe it or not it kind of made me feel a little bit better talking to him. He did kind of seem like, a flicker concerned. That really, seriously made a difference. Dad came back and I hung up and we drove back to the place where we had left mom. He got out of the car and I called Ivan. Ivan, on the other hand, was a huge help. It was nice to talk to him. Mom came to the car, I got off the phone and went inside the building

Ed, (an old friend, about mom's age) and some other dude we in there. I sat in a spinny chair and spun until I got a headache. My mind just writhed, so much went in and out, so much got stuck and hurt so much... just too much.

I can't remember this too much but Teddy had been dropped off somewhere sometime in this whole thing. I think after we left the strip we left him off at Matt's. I forget when, but I remember when the adults were talking, . right, this was before Wal Mart. But anyway, Matt's house is in my old neighborhood. It was... weird, to see everything, to smell those smells from the old neighborhood and to just... those streets that I used to live on, with my bike and rollerblades and my neighborhood friends. We used to go on "adventures" through everywhere, I can't even begin to describe how much of an impact that left on me. I miss it sometimes.

We went to Grandma's afterwards and got ready, and left for that house way down in that place I don't know its name... where Aunt Helen once lived. I was all ready for skating. But first we went to drop off the white flowers. Mary Anne, Dolly (Aunt Helen's best friend since as long as they were both alive), and some other ladies... Uncle Andy too. It just didn't seem right without her there, to give a hug and ask "Do you want anything?" "Oh, no, sit down Aunt Helen, I can get it myself.." "No, no, Elizabeth, I'll butter you some bread.." She was like that with everyone, always wanted to please the ones she loved before herself.

GOD.... I'm going to miss her.

We departed and I went to skating. I don't know if they knew just how happy they made me, or how much I needed it at the time.

Saturday, November 3, 2001.... I woke up early because we had a heair appointment. I still felt very lifeless and had trouble talking. I got my hair done by diane, an old friend of my mother's. I found myself talking to Grandma more, and thinking things like "She won't be here as long as anyone would like"... And I want, so much, before she as well is in her own 631, I want to talk and have her talk back, tell her I love her and know she loves me too. I called Emily and we made plans to go to the mall. mom and I got pizza at shop and save. It was really good, but all I could think about was my aunt.. my aunt my aunt,.. We came back to the salon and I talked to Grandma. I really love my grandma..... geez, it's going to be so tough when she dies.

We went back to the house (I remember how odd I used to think the house smelled, and now it's a comfort because I still have grandparents, and I'm so grateful now, so much more than I was before this). I got ready and went to Rachelle's and hung out with ehr and amanda for a while. They both live in my old neighborhood. Rachelle used to be my next door neighbor.... it was so weird, looking out the window and seeing the house, the house i laughed in, cried in, read books by the fireplace in on Christmas eve, had many a holiday and birthday and famliy members came over... that house. After a brief visit, dad drove me to the mall, where I met Maria and Emily. We hung out, and they always make me happy. It was so fun. We called Tim and Ivan. Emily and Maria think tim has a sexy voice (which he does, :snicker:), and it was fun to talk to Ivan a little bit. I left at I think five... or six or something, I don't know. Afterwards, :tries to remember:, I'm pretty sure we got some shoes for the funeral (amazin five inchers), then went back to Grandma's. I'm almost sure that we just hung around all night and spent some time around the tube with the family. I think I gave myself a facial. I was feeling nothing, really. content and really very at home at my grandparent's house. I got a pop then went to bed, all to be inturrupted by my brother, who came into the living room wheezing and such. His pulse was quick, and my parents were worried so he was brought to the hospital, and they didn't come home until 1:30 in the morning. My brother has bronchitis.

Sunday, November 3, 2001- I got up around 9:00. Got ready and for the first time actually had time to get ready normally and put on make up and such. Mom was running late. If she hadn't been, then I'd be all gross like usual. We drove to the funeral home around 1:30-2:00. We stayed until around 4:00-4:30, and then we went back to Grandma's. Teddy and I stayed home that night. Mom and aunt Patti went to the funeral home again around 7:00, and my dad and uncle Bill had to take Grandpa to the hospital, his leg was hurting very badly and he had these big cuts on it, claiming he had no idea where they were from. the hospital says that he has an infection, but they're not sure what it is. Everyone came home later and we ate dinner. After that I took the phone around back and called people, happy to talk to them. then I came inside and went to sleep.

Monday, November 5, 2001- got up around 7:00. we were at the funeral home at 8:45, and our car was in line. They said the rosary for aunt Helen, (I.. still can't believe that she's gone....)... and we all got in cars. Aunt Patti was all alone, so I went with her. I really don't get to talk to her very much, and it was fun to just chat with my aunt. we got to the church and took part in mass, the whole time I didn't allow myself to feel anything, because I knew that I'd start bawling my eyes out if I thought about my aunt. After mass we proceeded to the graveyard. As we were making the long journey there (this was right before lunch so everyone was hungry), I remembered some crackers I had in my backpack. Cheese dolphin and friends crackers. They held us up for a while. It was freezing outside. We all huddled up out by her burial site and said prayers. I saw Ursula! And we got back in the car and drove to the wake, which is just a big room with food. Rogatoni rocks. I sat in the end of the table with Tim (Ursula's husband who likes to make fun of me,) Ursula, Teddy, my mother, aunt Patti, and some dude who I forget his name but he was funny. Tim cracked some mean jokes about me, but other than that it was very fun to talk to people.

and, it was this weekend, after the tears, laughs, smiles and long conversations, it was after a dark death that a new life was reborn inside of me and now I see my famliy in a whole new light. I used to always percieve them as random people, but after this weekend now they're special people that I love very much.

After the wake (and many hugs and kind words from various family members), we headed back to Grandma's. We went from there to see Grandpa in the hospital. He was disgruntled but at the same time humorous as usual. His foot looked better, according to mom, less swollen. We visited with him for a while, then we left to go get the rest of our things at Grandma's... then we departed from Pittsburgh..

It's something like a death that can push you away from yourself, but closer to those around you. I can't wait until I can see all of them again, but hopefully it will be for a better reason, like a wedding or a communion or comformation.

My weekend. I don't know if I explained exactly how I felt, and how I saw everything through these dark, grim glasses. But... Aunt Helen wouldn't want that, she'd want us to be happy that she's in a better place, and she'd want us to look forward to our time as well. I am going to miss her so, so much.

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