Hella entry I have ahead of me. Something inside of me doesn't want me to start, I'm going to offend people like I always do, I'm going to say somethings I shouldn't, once I begin it's hard for me to end, a keyboard, writing, telling addiction, don't rip away my heart, don't make me stop, here goes. Oh- I've decided to use real names, if you're not happy about what I am writing about you if I happen to write about you, whoever you are reading my diary, well, too bad.

So, Where Have I Been, exactly? Grounded. Grounded for wasting such time, doing something so stupid, so pointless, I would have gotten better results from holding slippery soap in my hands under a waterfall. I was talking to Ivan on my dad's cell phone, (mom was on the real phone), in desperate efforts to save one of the shittiest relationships that ever existed. I tried! Tried so so hard! And, I thought maybe it did help, so I wasn't very angry at myself when my parents told me, no phone, no internet fortwo weeks, no going anywhere for two weeks. I didn't care, I was still under the false illusion that everything was going to be okay maybe- so, I'll play my part in this game, see what the outcome is.

You know it's sad when you reffer to a relationship as a game, and it's even worse when an air of forboding is added to the mix. Wonderful, I tell you!

Anyhow, they found out, and I already told the story-

Tuesday was an odd day. I don't remember much about it, except for the bus ride being sucky, Cory trying to (practically) seduce me again, my ignorant and not in any way boyfriendish boyrfriend in the seat infront of us. We got off the bus- and, I don't want to explain this in vivid detail in my diary which it seems half the people on this earth read (although I wanted to tell someone, so one person knows the whole story. Everything, not gonna write that here either). Znyway- we got off the bus, it was about 6:30ish, 6:45, and it was dark with streetlights illuminating the somewhat dismal parking lot. He says, "I think we should break up," (except in a nicer voice than I'm sure you're all imagning in your heads). I forget what I said, I honestly do, but we launched into a conversation of recent events, (No, nver would I act like more than your friend! :fake sarcastic whiny voice: I NEVER talk to you, nope! That's why I was always at your locker, right?) (Can any of you tell how fed up and exasperated I am with this whole ordeal?) Anyhow, he kept on changing his mind, saying "well, maybe we shouldn't" and I said, "I don't want to," ...his constance might be change, but mine is what it is, and I said I didn't want to break up, that was that, the decision was in his hands (How smart am I?!)

Anyway, I called him at ten like I said I would (remember, I was grounded from the phone the whole time, totally sneaking this call and risking huge huge trouble). We talked until 11:30. About everything. I'm not sure if that was even him I was talking to, it was his summer self, it wasn't this rude, immature jerk I had known for so long, too long. We talked about what had been going on, and it was his idea - however it is spelled, we were going on a hi-ate-iss. (translation: we had actually broken up and no one wanted to admit it, basically stuffing a cork up harsh reality's ass). But, anyway, that was one of the funnest sneaked calls. Ever. I was, again, fooled to believe that everything was going to be okay. I'm so... stupid.

Our charade begins. And so, conseqently Wednesday was the day of commentary. Everyone felt as if they had to make some sort of refference to our relationship, the one that never really existed in the first place. The sixth graders did, Jayne did, Will did, Zack did, hell, even Conor did. My explanation of hi-ate-iss was "a temporary seperation" although I knew damn well it wasn't temporary, I hate the word permanent. Especially in refference to smelly markers, to unfair contracts, to relationships that should have died before they had even begun their sorry, diseased lives.

his explanation was "we're just friends now," and it did hurt me when I first heard it, although the word 'permanent' was and still is written all over everything we said, everything we did for the days to come. Thursday. Not going to write alot of about Thursday's events, all I care to tell is how forced, how mechanical, it seemed as if we were robots, something without any foundation. I'm not saying I disapprove of anything involving Thursday and I don't find it wrong, but if it wasn't me, and that wasn't you, I would have considered it very wrong. It was based on nothing.

So Friday rolls around. There's a lot I want to write about it in here... I'm sure if I have the guts to even halfway explain my dislike for a certain person, not anyone I have mentioned yet, so, not Ivan.

There's this one person that bothers me although they're not trying. I'm so close to declaring total hatred for them. Hate. I loathe the word hate, it's strong, yet society downplays it, so anyone can use it to explain virtually anything, from your arch enemy to a sock with no partner. Ach Enemy. Hah. This- in between foes and footwear, somewhere, my only irk exists, I have imagined ripping out their vocal chords so as to not hear that annoying, loud laughter, I want to rip off their eyes so they can't flash them anymore, I want to rip them apart so the can't be so alive anymore, I want to rip off theit mouth so they can't talk anymore, I want to rip off their hair so there is one less shiny head of hair in this world, but, I don't want them dead. Which is a problem, with the whole ripping ip factor, death is SOMETIMES inevitable. (rolls eyes).

Or maybe send them off to China to work in a sweatshop, to sweat away that laughter, those flashing eyes to turn into a dull, ugly grey, that alive, soulfull body won't be so anymore, those fingers and hands that draw so perfect will tremble with the workload that they're put through, the hair, the hair will wilt, stick to their sweaty head, and eventually fall off of be cut off. They won't die. They'll only turn into a shell.

Speaking of shell.

I have a friend. Lisa. Doesn't eat half as much as she should.... I have a picture from last year, she looked so alive, so happy, so ... so lisa. Now, she's only a shell, a frame, an empty statue, frail and quiet and sad, not all the time, her facade does not betray her. I see through it, because it belonged to me a short while ago. I want to help her but I don't know how. Her parents aren't making it easier, grounding her and adding to her greif is NOT going to make her eat, it's only going to demote whatever she had going for her in the first place... I feel so bad for her.

Anyway.

I have a feeling that, all this negatvity I am putting into this diary, is not going to help me, people read it, and I do still care, sort of, not as much as I used to. But, this is how I really feel. This is my diary. You're smart. Put the pieces together.

So, left for Pittsbugh Friday night, and my locing family woke me up right on time, that is, on time for me to hurriedly stuff my things into my bag and run out the door. Thanks mom! :rolls eyes:.

Got a new V.C. Andrews book at Giant Eagle, "Willow". New release. Melodrama you know, it puts me in these moods. It's getting better though, I was totally and completely depressed when I read her first book, and as it went on, I hardened to it... as I have to many other things, and someday, somehow, I'll be steel, a lawyer, steel. I'll be a widow- I don't want to get involved in all that, lawyers have no time anyway. Cases to evaluate, people to talk to, rich people to comisserate with, and all that good stuff. No time for lovers, no need for them either. Why am I getting into this?? Moving on...

So, going to my Aunt's and not Emily's was supposed to be a horrible punishment. Hahhh.... we went to the mall, looked at all the stores in it, (this mall is amazing, it even has a carousel in the middle). They have an Old Navy too!! I got pants that are not long enough, so they'll be capris because they fit my hips almost too nice. A red shirt for valentine's day, (low neckline, some, like Brett, will reffer to it as 'trademark liz'....heh..). Another grey shirt, and this amazing jean jacket. All for 15.00. The amazingnocity of sales.

My aunt is a killer cook... Turkey was a bit dry, but the rest was really good, the carrots, the beans, the mashed potatoes and the peach cobbler was just GOOD. Don't ever have food like that anymore... Only problem is, if I wanna fit into those tight lil Old Navy (SIZE 2 BABY!!!) pants in the spring, I gotta keep weight off... 4 was too big and 2 fit me in everything else, but I like how tight they are, ...

So, here I am. Everything with Ivan pretty summed up, case closed, big red permanent stamp on it, I supposed I should write about the more fun things the week had to offer.

Wednesday we had pizza in Merritt. I was looking down, drinking water and Bruno says, "You look cute like that, Lizzy". Max laughed. Max is cool. And, everyont thinks I like Peter, and I don't, he's like my best guy friend. I think the whole Liz ordeal is affecting him though, he doesn't seem to want to talk to me much. Him and Ivan went downtown Friday night, I'm hoping that nothing was said about me, although I have a reasonable suspicion to assume it was, even a small, meaningless statement, think of recent events. Ivan and I broke up, Peter thinks, along with the rest of this planet, that I like him. That looks so... childish, sort of. Peter- I couldn't like Peter, he knows a lot about me, I know about him... (mars pathfinder!), and so on. That would be... weird.

Friday was a dress as what you wanna be when you groe up day. Merritt was a groundhog, I asked him if it was because groundhogs get paid better than teachers (I was totally kidding, and Merritt is someone you can kid with). He laughed and said, "Yes! Exactly!".

I'm really trying hard to do well in English, I'll prove Mckee wrong!

Science, eh, Ford, "Were you born argumentative?" he asks. "No... it was acquired," was my response. We took tallies of how many times he moaned at us to stop talking. We got 28. Ford is like a grumpier, more cunning Earley. you gotta know Earley to get that.... Can't explain him. He's like, a male ditz. An old, bald, senseless, confused, dumb male ditz. Tallying his "aights" and "okays" was what made science fun. Small machines my ass.

Everything is going good in Carlsen, exept for my flawless homework and opener grade combined with my C quiz grade... how did I manage that??

I wanna know how I got a C in gym, I'm going to ask how I can get an A in it this time around, then correct myself and say, "No, how can I earn this A?".... that should come across good.

FCS, hoping.

German. Hoping.

Kassi called me a night or so ago. She's doing bad, but who expected her to omit any positive traces of life. She seemed... sad, her voice was deeper, more human, disappointed, more mature. I was suprised and we talked for a while.

I'm going to have to ask that you all excuse my bad mood... no, my sarcastic, exasperated mood, this is how I react to melodramas, boyfriends that acted like they didn't know me, and being grounded.

Speaking of boyfriends. I thought of something to write about that oh-so-wonderful subject. There are 3 I care to talk about.

Boyfriend #1- Was happy with. Practically in love. Was everything I wanted ever, first relationship, lasted 2 months, no flaws that got in the way he posessed, or so it seemed.

Boyfriend #2- A good boyfriend. Called me every night. Always was with me when he could be, was fun to talk to and to be around. Sucked at kissing. Bit me. Almost ripped my boobs off. Lasted one month and a few days.

Boyfriend #3- Boyfriend?!?! Overstatement if I ever heard one. More like just "Boy". Never acted like aboyfriend ever. Acted more like a boy. Tended to be immature about a lot of things, refused to move on from past events and spewed his philosophies on us and him and me all over the place, creating a mess that no one but he could clean up. Of course, he refused, and try as I might, it was to no avail. Lasted so short, it's not even funny. I think I liked him too much. I'm suprised it lasted that long even. I played my part in his sick game, but he was down and out before either of us considered cracking out the die, and I didn't know until it was too late. When we were in any sort of people presence, I didn't exist, but when we were alone...

Boyfriend #1 caused me to be paranoid about any and every guy I have ever met, caused me to pick out small flaws, to judge, to dislike, to hate, he hurt me so much. My poor, 12 and 13 year old self. Boyfriend #2 was good, a good egg. I wonder why I did some of the things I did, I miss him. 'Boy' #3 was the worst relationship that ever existed, or the most one-sided one.

Wow, this entry was long.

I'm off to IM people. This took me an hour+ to write. Bye, I'll not be writing for a week or so.

(_iz

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