How long, I asked? How long, exactly, until I snap, I break, I shatter? Evil eyes. Seemingly so strong, so untouched by the world until someone pushes them off their shelf or their wall, and they are smashed into a million pieces from the impact of the cold cement which used to lie beneath them. Hey, thanks! Sarcasm- my gift lately. Thanks for being that person to push me off, to break me, I was here for you and you know it, you knew it. I absorbed all of your malicious energy, your angry, sad thoughts, I listened to you, anything you said I listened, anything wrong in your life I sat while you ranted and I tried to help. I've had enough. Broken on the ground and there's nothing anyone can do. Leave me alone, leave me be, I hate you. I hate what you've done to me and I hate you as a person. So many months of forgiving you, so many months of fighting and too much you've shoved back into my face after you damn well knew we were supposed to be over it. I've never. Ever. Felt so betrayed as I do now. I hate who you are, I hate what you do, I hate the things you say, I hate everything about you. The day you move out of State College will be a good day, the best day, matter of fact. Who is going to have an away message saying, "Today was the best day ever! IM me to find out more!" not you! You'll miss it here, you just wait, I know what you're doing because I did the same exact thing before I moved. You know you're going to miss it here so much, too much, in the back of your mind somewhere, and so you let everyone who will listen know that you can't wait to leave. You know what I can't wait for? I can't wait until the moment that you realize that being so happy about your move was all a big mistake. You want to know when I had that moment? The first time I talked to you.

***

I'm not sick today, but not at school either. Ever since Christmas break ended, I had been staying up way too late doing things, and waking up around 5:30-6:00. Today, snapped. I needed sleep so much in the morning, I went out into the living room and said, "Mom... I seriously need sleep... please can I stay home, or go in late, or something,"... And she said, "Yea... go ahead, take a day off," and so. I slept until 11:00. She was back home, getting ready for a job interview. I woke up and asked if we were still going to Plato's like we had planned. (looking for valentine's dance dress... more about that in a minute). She said, "I don't know, Liz, you're sick,"- Um, who said that I am sick? I told her I was tired, and needed sleep. She let me stay home. I'm not sick. I told her that, she is considering it. Anyhow. About the past few days.

Sunday night- mistake numero uno: calling Abbie and telling her about almost everything about the conversations of Saturday night. She says she's going to call him, and then call me back. So we hang up, and I watch the superbowl with my dad for a while. She still doesn't call back after a long while, so I call her. That's the first fishy thing. She answers the phone, and I wonder if she was ever planning on calling me back at all. I ask her if she has read the e-mail that he sent to both of us (which was actually to her, why he sent it to me is another fishy thing). She says no, and we talk about random stuff. I ask her what she and him talked about, and she said "nothing" a little bit too quickly. Another fishy thing.

Monday- talked to him in the morning, one of the things he says about the convo he had with her last night was "oh, she was reading the e-mail as we talked,". Well....?! She said she hadn't. Monday went on with me not even trying to talk to him, just kind of walking in the halls. Not mad at anyone. Notice that we didn't talk at all, because I stopped making an effort on it. After AREA I'm in the bathroom, fixing eyeliner. Salma walks in, and I ask her if she thinks Abbie still likes Ivan. She says, "Oh, I hear they're going to the dance together," and I ask her who she heard it from. She quickly says she can't remember, and runs out really fast. Fishy. I go to the cage (this is before drama), and ask Abbie if she's going to the dance with him. She says yeah, and smiles coyly. I smiled and went into the auditorium, accompanied by Jayne, who is almost as enthralled by that as I am, but not as pissed. I got my stuff and decided I'd probably leave. Jayne walked out with me and I talked to Lauren a little bit, but then decided, who is it helping for me to leave? It's only hurting me. So, I walk back in. Not talking to Abbie still and hanging around with Jayne and Will, somewhat. After a while, I force myself to believe that it can't be Abbie's fault, and I tell her that, and she tells me almost all of the details of their conversation. Another fishy thing, another lie: she had told me they were talking about nothing. This is why I really don't trust Abbie very much. I asked her if she would go out with him again, and she said, "Oh, no, not after the way he treated me near the end, and the way he treated you the whole time," and some other reasons. Tell me, why should I believe her? I decide, on the late bus, to ask Peter to the dance. Abbie giggles and agrees, and so I call him when I get home, he says yes, and we end up talking for a while, until mom yelled at me to get off the phone. This should be interesting. Ivan calls me. He asks what was up with "ignoring him". See, if he were to have made any sort of effort whatsoever to talk to me, I would have talked to him. But, when he called I still felt betrayed, and extremely pissed, so whatever came to my mind I said, without really thinking. The call ended with me saying something like, "Never speak to me again," and hanging up on him.

Tuesday- I don't remember much about Tuesday, except for the realization that when I commanded him to never talk to me again, I meant it. I don't need "friends" :rolls eyes: that are the way he is.

The voice lady never showed up for drama, so we ran through lines again. Grr, and we were gonna sing my song that day too! Oh well, it was fun going through the script. I am pretty sure it was Monday when we got our highschool registration booklet things. I'm having a really hard time juggling all of my electives, and I'm seriously considering doing Biology during lunch. Because then, I would have more room for electives in the long run with biology over and everything. I think I have almost decided to do drawing next year, and theater arts this year, because you can't do theater arts any other year but freshman. Atleast, that's what it says in the book. So here's what I've got so far: Adv. English 9, (it's almost written in stone that I'm taking geometry over the summer,) Algebra 2, Earth science 1, Adv world cultures 1, phys ed 9, (if I could find some way out of that, I would). health ed 1. Electives: (these were so hard to decide). Piano 1 first semester, then piano 2 second. Photography in the spring after health, theater arts in the fall before gym, and choir all year round. Not taking foreighn language, I'll have that as a summer thing probably, seeing as I already know almost all the material in German 1, I took it in 6th grade. (I've seen the worksheets, they're the same thing, along with the "Komm Mit" book). Seriously though, there were a heck of a lot of electives. I really want a lunch period, but it would be nice to get biology out of the way. I'll have to think about that...

Wednesday, Feb. 6- (I have a notebook entry for this). 'When one sleeps through class, one usually learns nothing. Graphing! Who needs it? Going to the dance with Peter. Algebra makes me fall asleep. So does SS. Why does it feel as if it should be Friday? There's a lot going on in my mind. Today almost the whole table (lunch) was dissing Ivan for no particualar reason, and I started to feel sorry for him and was going to say something in his defense, but then I remembered all those mean things he said, and on top of everything, what he did. Not just recently, but everything. I joined in their diss fest, and actually had a good conversation with everyone. Valentines are starting to be sold. Conor said he'd buy me a flower if I sent him candy. I don't know who else I'll send them to, probably the guys at my table and some others, I don't know.

Tell me- what light thoughts for another could possible come out of a permanently tinted mind? Two suicidal people won't make one happy person. Or, two happy people for that matter,'

So goes that entry. Still not talking to Ivan, he can go rot in hell.

We are working on lounge pants in FCS, and we took our measurements. So, now I know that I'm a 34-25-33 (atleast I think I'm 25, I was somewhere in the mid-20's). Wow, 33.... that makes no sense that my diesel pants which are 29 would fit me.

Lauren and Chris are going to the dance. Lisa and Zack are going as friends, and that's all I know so far. I'm sure there are a lot more. Well, Jen and Mitch, but, duh.

Mom told me this morning when I talked to her about Plato's that she thinks I am anemic. Anemic?! I eat almost anything I can get my hands on, anemic my butt, there's got to be SOME iron in what I eat! Nevertheless, I have to eat spinach for lunch. Spinach really isn't that bad, 6% iron, so if I am anemic (which I am NOT), I will be healed. What a funny prospect, me, anemic.

Okay, now for the Lip Service topic.

Write about a time it felt like there was electricity in the air.

Oh, yea! I remember at my 13th birthday party. There were a few kids there, Maria, Emily, Kierstin, Amanda, Rachelle, Chris, Ellen, Corey and Sean. Sean, Emily, me and Chris were on the couch. We were "going out" at this point in time. We were talking and he had his arm around me, and he was whispering in my ear, and then Maria with the camera comes rushing over and tapes us. Everyone was having a good time, Corey was outside on the deck throwing light matches onto the ground, yelling, "fireeeeee!" Emily was sitting on the couch with Sean. Kierstin was talking to Ellen, and Connor, Rachelle and Amanda were on the deck talking. How well everyone in that party clicked!!! I remember Chris and I talking in my kitchen about a bunch of random things. It was like there was nothing we couldn't talk about, but Connor being the prime subject of the conversation. Of course, he was acting up again, sad that he wasn't 'popular' and all that stuff. Connor took Chris and I out on the deck and told us his woes. Everyone else asked me what happened, and although nothing really happened, I used to say, "wellll... I can't tell you that", and all their minds would wander. When we were waiting for parents to come, we were playing tag out in my yard. I had the perfect yeard for a good game of tag, and in boring Summer days Amanda, Rachelle and I would always do that, but you can only get so far in tag with three people, so then we'd lay down in the green grass and watch the clouds and talk about anything and everything. Sometimes I really miss them. Anyhow- parents came, and I walked Rachelle home. Instead of going straight home, we sat on a log in between our houses and talked for almost an hour. The parents didn't seem to care that we were late. I look back on that night and think of magic...

Another time, electricity, my last night in USC. January 26. Liz Vautor, Maria, Alex, Jordan P and I went to see Sugar and Spice in the movie theater. Then we went to pizza hut and had the most amazing dinner. I remember going outside to call my mom, and seeing a dead frozen squirrel. I was making faces at it, and when I came inside Maria asked me what it was and I told her, we all had a good laugh about it. To this day "dead frozen sqirrel" is a huge inside joke. We went back to my house and watched "A Midsummer Night's Dream" half in preperation for our Shakespear competition coming up, (we were doing a scene in it, I was helena, Maria was Hermia, Emily was Demetrius and Jordan L was Lysander). After watching our scene, taking i-zone pictures and talking about basically the last 5 years that we had known each other, we went up to my half-empty and rather barron room (almost everything was in State College), we put on a CD... and put "My Heart Will Go On" on repeat, which reminded me of a lot. We talked and talked until it was time for everyone to go. I still vividly remember what my old house looks like, as if it is still my home. After everyone left, I packed some more in my room, and wallowed in my depression for a long time. The electricity was there.

_ ' `:--.--. | | | | | | | | | .., `---': Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21) - A water sign represented by the scorpion, Scorpio symbolize intense power and passion. Scorpios are forceful, emotional, confident and intuitive. The most intense of the zodiacs, they may also become extremely jealous, obsessive, compulsive and resentful which at times leads them to seek revenge.

That is totally me.

I really should go make my spinach lunch now... that's enough remeniscing, however it is spelled. Sorry for boring you, heh, :-). I'll be able to update this coming Monday...

(_iz

"Eeeeeelectricity, EEE-EEE-EElectricity, where does it come from, how does it work, and how-ow does it get to meee-eeee-eeeee-eee-eeeeeee??" Mr. Fee, fond memories.

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