Last night I was at Sasha's. (I want to add something I heard of, as of later tonight- nice, Ivan, trying to get everyone on "your side" by editing the conversation then sending it to everyone. Gotta love the immaturity there). Anyway. Zack signs on and tells me how Ivan was talking about me. I wasn't suprised, but I wanted to know what he said. Ivan gets on and I ask him about it. He doesn't answer me about it, he goes and throws all these accusations at me about how I talk about other people. I also... I suggested that we get together and talk soemtime, the relationship needed help, and I still wanted to be his friend. Of course, that only led to-

"So-and-so told me you said Peter liked Andrea, and this person tells me you said Coly was a slut 3 days ago and someone else said you said something about me and someone else heard someone else saying that they heard someone talk about their friend hearing you say something about this person" and so on and so forth.

At the time it made me mad. I had said nothing about Peter or Andrea. I like Peter and Andrea. I miss being Peter's friend, but I can't be, because according to Ivan's angry e-mail this morning, "Peter thinks people are way too nice to me because I am an egotistical bitch who thinks that I am perfect and I talk about everyone,". That was the basic gist of the mail, although it was way too long and I ended up just skimming the end. I didn't send him a long e-mail back.

This morning Andrea said to Sasha that she thought I was instigating trouble. This is always what happens. Someone assumes something, so they go telling everyone that it is a fact, and everyone goes bizzarre and ...yeah.

how would Ivan know. We never talk. He excludes me from the group. He talks about me alot, I know, because he told me so in the e-mail. How "alot of people" (being him, Peter, Andrea and Jes or something) think that people are too nice to me. Maybe those people aren't close to Ivan? Maybe those people actually gave me a chance? Maybe those people know me better than you do? I dunno. I'm nice to people, I have better things to talk about than other people, you know. Like school, movies, tv shows, teachers (haha... they don't count...) parents (neither do they)... sports, (TRACK!), and what the hell is wrong with talking about hot guys? I don't see the error in that. I'm 14. I am female. What do you expect?

What I expected, however, from them, is exactly what I got.

I did not expect any of them to come to me and say "Liz, I heard you said this about me, is it true?" or "Liz, I want to know if you are telling people things about me".

What did they do? What I thought they would do. They told everyone they could find "Damnit, Liz is talking about you! Hey you, Liz said this about you! Guess what? I heard Liz say this and that and wow she is a BITCH!" etc.

I never called Coly a slut. I don't give a damn if anyone thinks I did. I'm not going to argue for it or give facts to support it, I'm just gonna say that I didn't. Go on, think I did, I know you will. There was no point in me even saying I didn't.

I never said anything about Peter and Andrea, or Peter liking her more than a friend. But hey, I know you don't believe me. I know you are forced into thinking that I did, because it gives you someone to hate. It gives YOU someone to talk about, someone to gossip about, you love hypocrasy, you love negativity. You love excluding someone, something, to talk about, to laugh at, what is more fun?

And you know what, Ivan. I do talk about you. You want to know what I say?

"Why does Ivan hate me? Why is Ivan mean to me? I don't like him because he excludes me. Why did Ivan greet Peter this morning and ignore me? Why does Ivan never say anything to me at all? Why can't we be friends?"

And, what do people hear? What do they tell you?

"Ivan, that bastard! He hates me! Why is Ivan such an asshole? Why does Ivan always act like an ass? Why does Ivan ignore me all the fricking time? I wish he'd go away,"

you know why? Because telling you I said I was sad because you excluded me is not interesting or spicy. So. They throw in a cuss word, they throw in a word here, take one out there. No biggie. Or atleast not to them.

I talk about other people when they are mentioned, to make conversation.

Don't deny that you talk about me, and many other people. Not just Ivan, but his friends too. Not my friends anymore. Used to be. If you don't talk about people, if you're not spreading rumors the same way you are accusing me of doing, then how did this all come to be? Tell me, how did you hear about me talking about you? How did everyone else find out after you did? Gee. *wonders*.

I am tired of people saying I think I'm this, or I tink I am that. How would you know? I don't think I am perfect. I know I slip up, I know I say some things to people that I shouldn't say, and I know I act like a slut sometimes and I laugh at dumb jokes and I don't like my parents very much although they give me everything, and I can be negative about things a lot and I act like a smartass sometimes. I am aware of my flaws. I am also aware of the things I am good at; I have an okay voice, I can be a fun person if you give me a chance, I'm not gorgeous but not ugly... I'm me. I supposed that is how I should feel. I'm not infatuated with myself, but I'm comfortable with who I am sometimes, sometimes I don't like me at all. I guess that is just how it goes.

What did I expect? I put on lipstuff in the hall, so I am obsessed with beauty, right? I walk with a straight back and my held high (it isn't my fault I'm tall), so I'm stuck up, right? Because I don't slouch. There's nothing wrong with slouching, I don't care when people do it or don't do it, it's just more comfortable for me to have a straight back, I dunno, it's just the way I am.

What did I expect? I can't be myself with these people. They interpret everything wrong. When I'm around them I have to higher my voice a bit and smile a lot so they don't think I'm either a. mad at them b. mad at someone c. stuck up or d. think i am above smiling and being girly. I was born with a low voice. It's not natural to smile all the time. But if I don't, these people- they catch vibes that aren't really there. My body language, a straight face, looks like I am angry, or having no fun and thinking I am above them. I feel wrong around them. Maybe because they don't want me there. For what reason? I didn't know until Ivan had the... courtesy to bring me into the light.

God knows what I did to make these people hate me. I wanted to be their friend, I want friends, but they were taken away from me. Peter. Used to be so close and now, nothing. Ivan. You all know the story. It's a lost cause, though. Andrea. I always really respected Andrea. There's something about her- an aura that says without a word, "you can't mess with me," and I thought that was really cool. She doesn't like me though. Why? Probably thinks I was talking about her, most likely thinks everyone is too nice to me and I should rot in hell, etc, something like that, the stuff in Ivan's e-mail.

But, you know, I'm talking to people online, people who are my friends, and I'm realizing: You have your friends, I have mine. The only differece is- mine don't hate you. Mine have better things to think about then hate, like sports and movies and parents and their own friends and hot people and girlfriends and boyfriends and school and other happy things.

Grow up and make that realization.

I'm out.

Liz

p.s. anyone want a kitten? Shady Lady (new cat) gave birth this morning. Four really, really healthy cats. One gray, one black with white paws and a white chest, and two all black. Anyone interested? Gimme a holla, IM is tHpandex4u87 and e-mail is [email protected].

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