Pittsburgh. I came home Thursday after school, all ready to turn on the revolution and do my homework, and dad is home from work(?) he says "pack up, we're going to Pittsburgh, your grandfather has gotten worse". I think I went through mini stages where I was thinking "oh, I'm missing school tomorrow!" and then I was kind of like "wait wait.. is he dying?" and the answer was obvious, so I ran up to my room and grabbed random pants and shirts and just shoved them in an aero bag. We got it all together and left. There were times when I was crying to myself, I wrote a little bit in my notebook, it's the only comfort I had. I was feeling shittier and shittier and then I called Lauren and we talked and it made me feel SO MUCH BETTER. Everything got to me, I thought about shit, we went to burger king. I'll go get my notebook and write some excperts from it. The notebook portrays how I was feeling so much better than I could right now. This was on Sep 5, in the car

"Both my grandparents are in the hospital. My grandfather is very ill, there is something wrong with his kidneys. We're not so sure how serious it is. I'm in the car with my dad and brother, mom has been in Pittsburgh for a day or so now. It's Thursday- I'm going to miss school tomorrow. Things like this make everything seem so negative. the music on the radio is so annoying. YES, why am I finding my beloved revolution annoying? I don't ever want to go back to school. I'm such a loser and it seems like everyone hates me. I'm so immature I guess. I want to be what I was last year... where did I go? Things like these lead me to question who I am,why I'm such a loser, etc.-"

and then I go on to be sadder and sadder about my life and other aspects. My morale was pretty low at the time... here is something from later on, it's really pathetic, don't read it, etc

"I remember I used to have this constant fantasy of just crying all day. I used to think about crying nonstop for no reason in particular. The summer started and it ceased. I just thought about it again-" and then I related it to some stuff but I don't want to get into it... hm maybe I shouldn't have put that in here? I can't finish it.

So, we got there around 7 on Thursday, 7 or 8. It's hard to remember exact details in my mind, I'll try. So, we got to the hospital and dad, Teddy and I walked to the room. Mom, Aunt Patty and the nurse were already in there with pappy (someday I'll figure out how we should spell it). and we walked in and visited, he couldn't talk very well. It was sad to see him. We went to see grandma who was upstairs, she is stressed. Long story but it's not a good idea to have her home alone. We all went back to the house (grandparent's house) and I felt numb, I forget a lot, I suppose I blocked it out of my mind.

Dad woke us up the next morning, which was Friday. He said that pappy had to have some sort of tests run. Mom said it was a dialysis and we had to go see him NOW. So we all got ready and went down to the hospital and sat with him. Mom had said beforehand that we may never see him alive again, for she didn't know how the dialysis would be for him. We sat with him, he couldn't talk too easily because his throat was injured from the oxygen tube. I'm not sure if I mentioned that he had previously had half of his right leg amputated, and that surgery had sent him into a whirlwind of complications. They had taken away something that was supposed to be there. The body was in a state of shock, so problems presented themselves. One of the many was of course, kidney failure, and dialysis is the process in which the kidneys are cleaned out. We saw him and grandma, who, by the way, was doing really good. We left, and in the car I wrote some more in my notebook

"I never thought that my grandpa, pappy, would die. Of course he hasn't yet, he is in dialysis- they're cleaning out his kidneys which are not functioning. Mom says he might not make it, and that really hit him when we saw him in the hospital beforehand. He looked so weak... and I remember everything, how he used to bounce us on his legs when we were little- Teddy and I, when he used to threaten to slap us with his belt- how grandma always protected us-how I loved sleeping over at their house, how I loved talking to them- how pappy would watch the news until midnight- I feel as if I should go on and on- like these memories will up and fly away, out of my mind like a butterfly off of a flower. All the flower can do is sadly watch it go and marvel and its beauty. Before we left his hospital room, it dawned on me that we may never see him alive again and I choked up and bit my lip- and told myself that I'm not allowed to cry- that I need to smile, I tried, I didn't want my voice to sound wobbly, I swallowed, I told him I love him so much, and we'll be back to see him when he is done, thinking "we will be back for sure, but will he?" Dad said he'd be back to watch the game at 7 (giving hope?) and I said I loved him again, and was going to cry, but I didn't. I'm screaming inside sometimes- here the hell we are at their house AND IT'S EMPTY. I hate looking at their porch WITHOUT HIM there, smiling, I want to tell someone this- but I doubt any of my friends care- well, they do, but about me, not my grandfather, I want to tell someone who understands- I'll talk to Teddy later. Sometimes I have feelings, like I know things are going to happen, but I don't know now- because he has a chance- so I'm saving my tears as well as my black clothing... just incase.

So we're in the car. I'm going to Maria's (who is going to the Robinson mall with Tessa) and Teddy is going to Matt's. Half of me says "go have fun, feel better". The other half says "no, be with family now..." although I plan on calling Lauren later, I said I would, and I'd like to hear from her. She's my link to State College, and my closest friend there.

I suppose I'm running from my own mind and thoughts by going to Maria's, and a voice inside of me says it's okay.

I. Love. My. Grandfather. So. Much. GOD- please don't take him yet, no one was prepared, we all love him so much-

But if he lives, I don't want to go back to state college, I want to stay here and listen to him when he talks and rejoice in the silence,the silence in which he is still breathing. If he dies I'll want to go back to state college and just forget."

that was another entry, on Friday. I remember being in a restaraunt, I forget the name, and we were all eating. It was me, Teddy, mom and dad. I stopped eating and said with as much sincerety as I could muster "I love all of you so much". I think it shocked them, but my point was well taken. I don't believe you can ever tell someone you love them too much if you truly mean it and you know it's mutual. Every chance I got I told my grandparents I loved them this weekend. It may have annoyed them, or it may be keeping them alive- knowing that their family loves them.

So, Teddy called up Matt and I called up Maria (because dialysis takes a long time, about 4 hours, and we had time to kill). Maria's mom gave us a ride (us being Maria, Tessa and I) out to Robinson, WHICH IS THE MOST AMAZING MALL. It was great to just shop, they have a sweet hot topic. Then we left... but I was happy to see Maria and Tessa, we had fun being idiots and sitting in the little kid chairs and making fun of the dragon and the guy who works in Buckle. (randomly dancing and looking "in the back room"). It was great to get my mind off things. Oh! We were talking about my party which is going to be the Saturday night before haloween, and they were talking about making arrangements to come up for it. It'd be so amazing!!!!!! Wow. Maria and Tess would have a blast. Fo'sho', Miz Afro.:-D

Mom and dad picked me up at Maria's around 6 and told me that the dialysis had went well and he was still alive!!!! I was so happy to hear that! Here is what I wrote:

"He made it out of surgery! the dialysis went right!! YES! Mom says he's 'still not out of the forest yet' but he has passed the hardest part. But this is good! I can't shake the feeling of morose paranoia, but it's better than it was last night and this morning-"

And then I kinda stopped, I think we arrived either at the house or the hospital. Dad got to watch the game with pappy. mom, Teddy and I went shopping (which ended unhappily, but oh well).

then we were all exhausted and we said our goodbyes and I love yous, and went back to the house to sleep.

I woke up the next morning and kind of hung out, no big deals going on that day (Saturday). We went shopping at places. Burlington's credit policy is shit, and dad gave them a hard time but we got out of there okay. Then we went to Gabes, and I found about a million and one things I wanted- but I got it narrowed down to 3, and dad was being a pissy asshole (yes, this is how I get over clothes I want). So I put the pants back, and that left me with two skirts, and then I had to choose one which sucked- but I took the jean one. I think my legs shrunk. Nothing is a mini on me anymore, even though it is obviously supposed to be.

We went back to the hospital (pappy had another dialysis that day, but we weren't as worried). We visited, and helped out and things were good. We still couldn't really understand what he was saying. He was having a hard time being articulate, and his throat was very sore.

We went home and mom and dad went somewhere. Teddy and I were alone in our grandparent's little house. I was weird being there without them. Every time mom and dad would leave, grandma, grandpa or both would be there to talk to. Even if they didn't talk, their presences were always felt with gladness. There was no one there though, so Teddy and I watched TV and complained about our lives and our parents to each other. Mom and dad came back, and they went to sleep. Teddy and I watched random anime until we were too tired. I made tomato soup and got it all over the kitchen and then cleaned it up and what I had that hadn't spilled all over the floor (which was about half a bowl) made me kinda sick. I went to sleep.

The phone rang, shattering whatever dreams were floating about in my head. It was early in the morning and I figured my parents would get it- I was in a state of delerium due to exhaustion. the phone rang again. Something inside me told me to get it. I did.

"Hello?mfmfmffm"

"ehhblumbleblublme-" I recognized my grandfather's voice, and then I was totally awake. He could dial phone numbers? He was still so shaky and sick and it suprised me. Eventually he was able to ask for mom and I started to understand him. I'm not sure if he was speaking better or if I was only half awake and capable of comprehending things he said. I yelled to my parents again and again until mom came lumbering out of my grandfather's room (of course he wasn't in it, he was in the hospital). she got the phone in the living room and pappy said "I'm not feeling well... you should get down here". and mom said alright.

The house was in a state of utter panic.

I jumped out of bed and put on my outfit that I had for today (which was jeans and a t shirt). It was around 7 in the morning. Teddy was just laying there in his boxers and his sockless, shoeless feet while we were all running out the door like insane people. Mom was ready to chop his head off, and I'm sure her and I were thinking the same thing "What if pappy dies, and we missed saying goodbye because Teddy wasn't ready?"

We all jumped in the car and no one talked. It dawned on me how quickly we took to get ready, no showers, no make up. It seems that when something is so important, and it's in matter and name of love- all senses of vanity diminish. No one cares what you smell or look like. You just need to be there to comfort and love whoever is in need of it. We were there.

We went up to his room and he- was hungry!!!! It was a good thing!!! He was okay!!! See, he hadn't been able to eat any food at all. They had been feeding him through IVs. So it was a false alarm. We hung around and visited with pappy and grandma (she's doing really well and can now eat solid foods). and heard the doctor's report and all, then we left to go pack up at the house. Aunt Patti came, it was great to see her. We've been close kinda ever since Aunt Helen's death last year in late October.

Then we went back to the hospital and said our goodbyes and our numerous "I love you"s. We went to Sam's club for lunch, which was really good. Teddy and I shared a provolone wheel, but I have a headache form all the bikers and smokers that were in there. See, they were doing some bike ride to fund cancer research" or something, and half of them were smoking many packs of cigarettes! wtf?

Mom and I left. We talked about random things on the way back and then I feel asleep. One of the random things being my first REAL party ever. It's going to be so amazing. We are getting in to real details, mom has some great ideas.

So, we got home and yeah... school pictures tomorrow, I didn't know that until now, what to wear? Black or white? Black looks good because of my hair color, white looks good because of my skin color... ah, oh well. I'll figure something out.

This entry has further exhausted me, but atleast those few of you who care know what is going on with me.

Liz

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