He died this morning when he was all alone. Maybe he wanted it that way. Alot is bothering me right now, but this is more important that anything. I am happy it is the weekend, school is really getting to me. That kid who writes me notes, that other kid who hates me, the great pretenders. Not a lot to be done there, it's stressing me out- mom wanted to know if I could sing 'On Eagle's Wings' at my grandfather's funeral. She doesn't want to know if my voice is good enough, or how rusty I may be- but if I am emotionally stable enough to. I'm not, but there isn't much else in the world I'd rather do than sing that for him. So now he is gone, and I feel numb, I am so tired of crying and being depressed. School doesn't help, mom crying doesn't help- although she has much more of a right to cry for her deceased father than rude people do to be mean for no reason. Ah, fuck them. Speaking of the word 'fuck', it's crazy how just saying it to someone can get them to finally release their true feelings. It's about time Shelby told me off, I know she was holding it in there.

Hmm, well we will leave tomorrow morning sometime. the viewing is on Sunday and the funeral on Monday. Looks like I'll be missing school... boo. hoo.

I've been trying to play "On Eagle's Wings' on the piano for a while. I don't think I'll be able to get the bass cleft for a while, but the other one, shoot I can't remember the name- well, I'm doing well on the melody, I can't remember the cleft name though. Oh well... I can play the part I will be having to sing and that's all that matters. It's a high range, I think the highest note is an E above middle C. It's an octave above the E right about middle C. The lowest is I think, a B or an A below middle C. It's fun to learn and to play. It has emotional value to me- from Aunt Helen's death, to Mary Anne's wedding to this. I sung it to him, he moved his hand. I told him I loved him before I left- we were all well aware that it may have been the last time we saw him, and it was. Mr Arnold was right today, he said "sometimes there is a flash of life right before death"- mom said pappy's kidneys were working when she had left Thursday night, it was a huge thing. His consciousness alone was a miracle, and we were thankful that he could hear us. What a great person he was.

Ursula had called today. Before I knew what had happened, and she was sad- I had a notion that something went wrong, but no one had told me anything so I talked to her- I feel horrible for this, but I'm just a tad excited about the funeral, other than my dread of tears, but I haven't seen the family for so long. As much as I often feel like an outcast on my mom's side, we are all so included, and I feel as if I am vital now- being my mother's daughter, pappy's baby's daughter, a close descendant. I get to sing. I want to sing. To him, to noone else, not to the people there, not to myself but to him. Not for myself or anything, for him. He's with God, Aunt Helen, his whole side of the family- he's with them. The words to the chorus in eagles wings are "And he will raise you up- on eagle's wings- bear you on the breath of dawn- make you to shine like the sun- and hold you in the palm of his hand", that's the chorus. It's really an amazing song.

Dad, Teddy and I are going out to eat- I don't think I'll be updating for a little while- seeya

Liz

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