I'm using the time not being spent at the football game to update what's been going on, and then talk about things (because trust me, there have been other things on my mind besides Nate for once)- although I will talk about him alot, and my mood towards him does change throughout this entry soo...yeah... he's incredible and nomatter how bitchy I am, I'm not going to get hung up over it.

Wednesday... Laura, Andy, Nate and I hung out before their band practice thing- ahhh it was fun even though Laura and I act so retarded at Weis and I think we freaked Nate out, but ehy, life goes on huh. Yeah, that was really fun- hmmm Laura and Andy like locked themselves in the piano room. It was great- then me and Laura had to leave while the guys had to go practice in the cold. I went home and- uhhh the power went out. I called Laura like I said I would, then remembered I had to call Lauren as well, but um, the phone cut me and Laura off, and I couldn't call Lauren. So, yeah it sucked.

Thursday morning we had no running water either. GRR no shower, I put my hair up and hoped for the best and basically felt like shit the whole day. Nate never helps there- (here we see the introduction of Liz's little problems, but hey give me some credit, it's been 3 weeks and I'm just starting to be paranoid-) like today, we were walking out to wait for the buses and I forget what was going on, but he said something like

"you always look not bad"

SO- my little Lizzy McGuire cartoon person in my head says "Not bad?! I look NOT bad? WTF does that mean?" :sticks bag over head:

damnfuckingshit, if I'm only on the virge of being remotely pretty, don't let me know it, just pretend that I'm alright looking, so I can think I am. Geeeeze...

That's definitely not what set me off, though.- uhhh story-

Alright, so Nate and Laura have been friends for a while and I didn't really care, because then we could hang out and noone hated anyone, and for three whole weeks I'm so caught up in everything that I forgot to be paranoid, or jealous, and anytime he'd talk to some girl or something I wouldn't even think anything about it. Which is, as you know, unusual for me- I get so fucking jealous sometimes over stupid things, or atleast I have in the past.

Hmm, okay, to the point. Nate has this ring that he's rather protective over, he let me wear it a few times but..yeah. He always talks about how 'naked' he feels without it, and damn, he paid 12 bucks for the thing. Well, him and Laura being so close and all must have compelled him to want to switch rings with her, so he gave her his and he had her pinkypurpleyblueygreeny mood ring. At first I thought "oookay..." but didn't care too much. Yeah, it was like 3 or 4 days ago this happened. They talk alot and he tells me about conversations they have in World Cultures/Spanish class. So, he still has this ring on and he did today. I see them talking alot and today when me and Kelly came into the cafeteria, he was like laughing with Laura about something and yessss that set me off. I've only seen it about 5 million times and sorry- it's getting to me. Combination of their stories of how fun things are in theur little classes they have together and seeing them together and crap- it kinda bugs me. Then, of course, he has that ring on. UUHHHHH what happened to being protective of your lil 12 dollar ring, it's been a while since you've had it on, Nate. Say that to him? Psh no- act bitchy and refuse to talk or smile? THAT's pulling a Liz, but anyway, yeah, he was playing with it and I took it and put it in my backpack. He was like "give it back, wahh wahh give itback"- no, don't think so hun, I'm not giving you the opportunity to look at that ring and think about Laura, nope, yep, I'm keeping it. He thinks I took it because he was playing with it or something- UM Nate, did I give a shit when you were playing with your other ring? Noope... so not only was he letting Laura have his ring for like what, 4 days, he had her ring on- heee I remember offering to trade rings with him once and he didn't want to because mine are, girly, or something. This was a fucking mood ring! It was all shiny and silvery on the outside and it changed from blue to green to PURPLE- umm... yeah. whatthefuck. But, they traded back- and after some complications, like Laura telling him I told her never to talk to him (which I really didn't, she asked if that's what I wanted and I was like "no!"- I'd never tell someone not to talk to someone else, that's stupid). Oh, and we started archery in gym, things were fine with me after shooting a few arrows at targets and crap. So, after that I forced myself to forget about the whole thing, but of course I'm thinking about it now. I dunno whether I wanna see him tomorow or not- I could maybe, if I did my homework now and cleaned a little- he said he is going to call-Laura's so pretty, I'll bet she looks better than "not bad"- Why am I such a bitch? I hope he never reads this, I'm going to get over it and it'll fuck everything up,- everything's so perfect though. Why am I doing this to myself? It's all in my head, and he knows about it anyway, and he's going to get ideas about Laura and BAM nice going Liz. I did it before- Ivan and Abbie, fuckingfuck he already liked her that's a different situation, but anyway- Nate is so honest, he'd tell me if he liked Laura, or atleast he said he would anyway, should I believe him? Of course I should.

Anyway, back to my little life. Thursday was of course, Halloween, Lauren and I went to go meet Laura and Sides- she had a lesson, Andy, Nicole and Laura's mom were there. Then we drove out to Andy's house, Laura, Lauren and me were dropped off. We kinda hung around and half assedly trick or treated for a little then met up with Luke, Nate, and some random people that I don't know. We went to some random guy's house to watch a concert or something and they did Nirvana wronggg... it was an unhappy situation, haha- Luke is so funny at the drums... I felt left out though, Laura and Lauren were all giggly and friendlyish and I was just kind of there, it sucked. So we went into this guy's house and his mom like, is either asleep or not home. Here is the flipside on the Nate thing. Laura goes upstairs with Andy, Lauren is watching a movie with the other guys and me and Nate are in the kitchen. He's soo incredible, I must have done something so good to deserve that- I don't know why I'm creating problems for myself. duuude of course I want to see him tomorow, how the hell did I expect to not see him over the weekend and still be alright? Man, I'm such an idiot, he's so amazing. I felt bad for Lauren though, us three were standing there and she was talking to us and I swear I would have talked back but my mouth was kinda busy- I hope she's not mad. She sometimes acts like she doesn't wanna be friends with me, but, but I want to be her friend. It seemed like we had something good going on that night, with me, Laura and Lauren- WHAT THE HELL AM I DOINGGG- being paranoid like that, fuck the ring, fuck that whole situation, Laura and Lauren are the best friends in the world and Nate is amazing beyond all belief, and we all have to hang out and crap. they're all so wonderful and I'm being a stupid bitch and pushing them away. Of course Nate does not like Laura, then wouldn't he break up with me? Duhh. And Laura- she's just a flirt, it's nothing personal to me at all, and life definitely goes on.

That's how great halloween was.

The 'murder weapons'- heee... and the 'RED WINE!' YES-oh wait, 'red wine vinegar'... Next week Laura, Lauren and I really have to hang out, - ahhhahaha in the kitchen, Laura and Andy came in and Laura and I kissed, lol the guys were like "WHOA"- heee it was great. I'm so happy I realized all of this, these people are great. So who gives a flying fuck if I look "not bad"? I feel incredible, that should be more important. Right? Of course.

Oh, yeah, mom and dad were mad about how the house was "in the sticks" or something so they grounded me this weekend, and I didn't feel like begging to go to the football game. I do, however, feel like working and begging to hang out with Nate tomorrow, so I will. Grrrr I really hope it works, becuase we might have to go to Pittsburgh next weekend, and not seeing him two weekends in a row will like... drive me insane, or something.

Off the topic of Nate.

My parents are horrible. Yesterday they picked fight upon fight with me about the location of where we were for Halloween ("YOU LED US TO BELIEVE THAT IT WAS CLOSER! THAT WAS OUT IN THE BOOOOONNNIIIIEESS!!") and crap. They were SO mad when they picked me up, mom was like "Get. Going. NOW." No one else's parents do that, that's why I always mooch rides off of people- everyone else's parents are nice and don't do that shit. Mom kept making comments all the way home while dad drove and agreed and every once in a while put in his own two cents. I NEVER do anything right, it's always either too late, or the location was wrong, or who I was with was unacceptable- "Where was the parent in there??"- she did show up though, near the end she was heating a teapot on the stove and smiling at everyone, it was weird.

But yeah, they grounded me and after Laura and Lauren had been dropped off at home, I GROVELLED. (thinking of wanting to actually see Nate this weekend, of course, that being my only reason for backing down). "I'm seriously sorry mom,-"

"FIND OUT where you're going next time, I want NAMES, NUMBERS, ADRESSES, DIRECTIONS before you leave-"

"Alright, I promise I will, don't worry you'll have it all-"

"I BETTER."

then dad said something, and everyone lightened up, or atleast they seemed to and then we got home and mom yelled at me to go inside because I never lock the door or something. It was really mean and uncalled for, just like every other little thing they say to me. Dad always complains about having to "drive me around everywhere". It's not like I ask for much- and plus, I constantly mooch rides from my friends, so he can't be all "I drive you to every fucking place you want me to and what thanks do I get?"- you know what dad, shut up. All you do is bitch about everything- God knows I love you, I wish you didn't do it, I hate the influence you have over me. You're a part of me, the part that gets angry all the time- when I have the urge to throw a glass bottle against a brick wall (like today when I kept looking at Nate's finger and seeing Lauren's ring on it)- I know that's from you, dad. You're so funny and generous when you want to be, or, you used to be, what the hell happened to you? I miss you. Why don't you ever smile anymore? When you do, it's never for me. Do you think I only care about myself? Come find me crying after you've yelled and screamed, no daddy, not crying because you say I'm a little bitch- not because I now think I am, but because I miss being "daddy's little girl". Why aren't I anymore? Am I too selfish? Do I not think of you enough anymore? God knows I do, you were always my favorite, you know, when mom yelled you were there. Why can't I tell you these things?

I know you won't care.

I love my mother so much too- we still have those little moments of tightness, we can talk about anything. But she yells so much, she gets mad over everything and I SWEAR she's looking for reasons to get me in trouble. Same with dad. Why is that, anyway?? They should be so happy, I don't do drugs, I do fairly well in school, I atleast make efforts to please them. So what if I'm selfish sometimes? So are they! "We had to drive all the way out here to get you-" "I'm feeling carsick, Bill, let's hurry and GET HOME :glances madly back at me:" - why do they think they have me so figured out? They know me, of course, but not what I really am- I think mostly everyone understands that, why do parents always think they know everything? They don't. Sorry, guys, I'm not everything you've wanted me to be. I'm not polite, I'm not pretty, I'm not a straight-A student. I'm nice of course, but not in every situation. I'm "not bad" looking. I get B's. I could do better but I don't, and that makes you mad, I know. I do care- you have GOT to understand this, I do care. I'm like you, mom. I sleep a lot when I should be working. Dad, I'm like you, too. I yell alot when I should be listening, I fume a lot when I should be considering. Mom- I'm like you! I laugh and have fun and have friends like you do. Dad, I find the stupidest jokes funny and I have passion for my home and theater just as you do. I'm a little you, whether I want to be or not.

I still have not come to terms with this- I can't accept this and move on as easily as I did with the Nate/Laura thing. It's a little different- I can't even begin to explain the love I have for my parents. I would never, EVER want them to 'die' or anything like that. They are all I've got- you know I don't just say the world 'love' unless I really mean it, - Teddy, Teddy I love him too- he seems so unaffected by them sometimes, but then I turn around- there he is, yelling and cussing just like my father- whining like my mother. saying stupid things for a smile like dad, pretending to be alright like mom.

They're not like everyone else's parents- I so wish they would be sometimes. I want them to stop yelling at me and consider my position, I want them to not resort to grounding me every time something bad in relation to me happens. But- I could never, ever ask mom to stop acting like my friend sometimes (she gives such good advice)- I could never ask dad to stop kidding around with me (like before my party, we were shopping for haloween stuff, and he sticks out his tounge and says "I was born on a pirate ship" and laughs like an idiot). We did the "molasses on the table" too. Then he talked from the side of his mouth, and so did I- while we drove through boulsburg- why were we even there? Oh yeah, the dollar store near there is amazing. But, anyway-

Basically, I can't stand them being mad at me, I love them so much, I hate it when they yell at me. We're so close, we're so far apart.

We did grade conferences in English today. I have a B. A B! That's incredible! No joke, I was so worried I would fail. It's weighted too, so it's like an A. I know I failed science and I don't care. I think I did well in math, although we had no time to pass out grade sheets, I've really been working hard in that class. It's not weighted... I'll be happy with a C in worldcultures, I know that's what I deserve. Next time around, however, I want to work harder. I know I can. I know I can get A's if I want to, if I work hard enough. Sometimes, the prospect of working hard and still failing scares me- scares me so much that I don't work at all. That's probably why I'm failing science. He lectures about how he doesn't give too many A's and it scares me out of my mind- "A C is a good grade" - NO, no it's not. I have an E, anyway. In my twisted mind, an E when you haven't done shit is better than a C when you've worked your hardest. Wouldn't it SUCK to get a C- a C after putting in all your effort possible? I'd die. I can't do that- if I can't have perfection in something, I'll just give up. I can do it in my other classes, but not science.

It's friday- why am I depressed? I didn't really want to go out tonight, I fell asleep when I got home and woke up around 8. It's almost 10 now. I have homework to do and I have to clean and kiss up to see Nate tomorow, unless he already has plans or something(?)... I'm a dork. Gah.

I took his name out of my profile for some reason, I really don't know why I did it. It will probably find its way back there eventually but not until he deserves it, and he doesn't now. Or, maybe he does, because he didn't do anything wrong at all, I'm just stupid and paranoid. Sometimes the way he looks at me or things he says get to me, I take them the wrong way, I guess. I'm being such an idiot and I never shoudl have gotten bent up over the Laura thing, I hope everything else doesn't change. It's all been so perfect. Why would I want to fuck this up? He's so different from the other ones, I'm so lucky to have him, I'm an idiot, etc.

My hair is so weird, it goes through days of looking and feeling amazing, to looking and feeling crappy and gross. BUT I ALWAYS LOOK NOT BAD, RIGHT?!- aaahahaahaha, so it shouldn't matter what my hair looks like, I'll never get to looking 'good', I'll just always look 'not bad'- right? Right.

Duuhherr I should be HAPPYYYyyy... I mean, some people look flat-out BAD! And me! I'm NOT bad! Heeee... I should feel lucky, I'm not even "horrible", I'm 'not bad', wow, so fortunate I am.

How the hell am I finding that so funny and offending at the same time?

I know I'm not pretty or gorgeous or whatnot but could someone say I am anyway? Who gives a care if I'm not at all- could someone say it just for the hell of it? Please? I'll give you a dollar.

I am SUCH a good person :rolls eyes:

My whole having hostile feelings towards Nate is making me mad at myself. I want to get over it. I want to be happy with him like I have been. I have total power over this- and I will get over it. I swear. He's by far, hands down the best I've ever had and I don't need to go getting paranoid over nothing.

It's about ten now, people should be getting online soon. I need to finish this entry.

I need to lighten up.

heeheehee he called me..... yeah at like 10:15... wow he's incredible, i have lightened up, I'm going downstairs now, laa, hmm i want to see him tomorow, maybe if I grovell, they'll let me, he's soo amazing...

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