fuck

"Nothing's quite the same now

I just say your name now ...

...But it's not so bad

You're only the best I ever had

You don't want me back

You're just the best I ever had"

I felt confident last night, but I can't take it- we broke up, it's over, and- i don't know.I talked to him today and he made it very clear that we are just friends. how the HELL does he expect me to just, go from him being my everything, my world, to just a friend? Apparently he's doing fine. Not that I was his everything or his world, but still. THAT WAS OUT OF NOWHERE. I keep listening to the vertical horizon song I quoted - over and over, I'm going to cry soon, I already did today and I did yesterday too. NATE. It was supposed to last so much longer than this, he is so different from everyone.

He was perfect.

Everything else is wrong too- it's like, I needed him most right now. I feel sort of sick, maybe if I throw up, this feeling, this weight, maybe it will go away. He can't possibly understand how much he hurt me, and honestly, I don't want to tell him. I'm not mad at him, I don't hate him, I just feel like someone kicked me in the stomach, and all my organs came out of my mouth and he stepped on them like people in Italy step on grapes to make wine. I trusted him with so much because I firmly believed this was going to last longer than all my other reject relationships have.

I keep listening to the song over and over

and, remembering when he called- I thought things were fine, he sounded sorta tired but,otherwise fine- something to the extent of "I don't think we should go out anymore"- kidding? are you kidding? I thought. No, not kidding, you were just dumped, Liz.

It keeps coming in realizations over and over that it's actually over- I don't think it should be, this felt as if it was going to be much longer, like four months, not two. I didn't think we were going to last forever or anything, but it just seemed like we'd be so much better than me and Tim, or anyone else- I want to get over him, and the easiest way is to like someone else, but- the thought of anyone else makes me feel sicker than I already do. I told him that, I told him the thought of being with anyone else repulses me, he just looked away, I can't really remember much of our conversation, I remember me feeling confused and sick and ...horrible. He looked sad but it - I don't know. It pained me to talk to him, to even look at him-

He was my reason for living, sometimes. Now that's gone, and I've no reason to be here, but there's no reason to die either. So, I'm just here. Existing. For no reason.

I am aware of how pathetic I sound, but I don't feel even remotely pathetic. I've never been dumped before and felt this way about it. Trevor dumping me sucked horribly, but this is ten times worse. Nate meant a whole hell of a lot to me. He's so perfect-

-I'm obviously not good enough for him, so who am I good enough for? No one, apparently.

"and it may take some time to patch me up inside... I can't take it so I run away and hide... that may find in time that you were always right... you're always right..."

I feel like I'm trying to sew a square of fabric over a huge hole in my jeans- to cover it up, make it one again. The... the hole is huge, and the faric is teeny. It's not even remotely working.

Now I'm listening to Jewel's "you were meant for me". I don't want to listen to any happy music.

I have to babysit tomorrow. I'll have to pretend to be happy and miss Nate horribly.

"Dreams last for so long- even after you're gone- I know you love me, and soon...you know you will see, you were meant for me, and I ...was meant for you"

Even though he doesn't, the thought of him wanting me back is- I don't know. I dunno if I'd want it, but who cares, never gonna happen.

I still can't believe that happened. I go through stages believing in it, and feeling okay about it and then doubting it, but feeling horribly depressed. So much I miss about him, everything. He WAS everything.

Why??!?! Why the hell did I let someone get that close to me, damn my hitting on him at that party, damn me liking him so much, damn me asking him to homecoming, damn me saying yes, damn me getting so attatched, damn him for being so perfect, damn this whole world for being so happy around me, damn him for hurting me so, - damn it all to hell.

I wish I could be mad at him, but I can't. He was really nice about it...

Everything that used to make me smile- hugs from friends, songs I liked (the atticus CD), candy, nice people, other poeple smiling at me, my brother- anything, it makes me cry. I needed his positivity more than ever now, with everything else going on, and he's gone- he left, he's happier on his own.

I'm not, though. But, what can you do? I would never make him stay with me, not that I could, but if it were possible to- I wouldn't make him if I could, basically.

I don't want to go downstairs, they're laughing- I don't want to put up with my parents, I don't want to babysit tomorrow, I don't want to fucking live anymore but I don't want to die, basically.

Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to depress myself by thinking about the other night, and then this. I can't think of a single thing that would make me happy now, besides maybe hanging out with friends.

EVERYTHING IS SO WRONG.

He picked the worst possible time to dump me-

I don't know what to do anymore...

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