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I go through phases where I'm totally fine and I think "I can do this, I can deal- everything is fine, and life is good"

then I slip away and get sad again and wonder why he did it, and why it was so sudden and abrupt.

He says he's not going to go out with anyone else this year. I hope he does. I hope he comes to realize that it will be so hard to find someone as... sickeningly devoted to him as I was and still kind of am.

I found some old Britney Spears CDs. I know, everyone is groaning, reading that- but last year, when I liked her, certain songs helped me through ends of relationships and stuff, although I didn't care much about my relationships last year, or atleast not as much as I care now. Britney's a temporary friend, only when her music can ease pain.

I don't want to listen to Atticus for a while. That's what I listened to when I was with Nate, everything on there reminds me of him. Even the warped tour cd does, and I only listened to about half of it for a little while.

Nate can go fuck himself- and I'm sure he will, without me to do it for him.

I really wished that I believed in being that angry with Nate, but I'm not.

Soon enough I will be angry with myself for ever letting this happen. I never trusted guys much. I had boyfriends but I never let them get as close as Nate did. I mean, I never got so attatched. He seemed so different, and things seemed to be so great, it should have been okay- but it wasn't, he wasn't different, and I'm never doing that again. I guess I'll go back to being what I was last year, a horrible flirt who couldn't keep a boyfiend because she didn't communicate, and she flirted with everyone else to make the boyfriend mad and jealous- to get revenge on them, to dismiss her pain.

I actually tried with Nate. I didn't flirt with anyone else, I'd always tell him how I felt and - all this shit that you're supposed to do when you're in a relationship- and LOOK. It didn't work.

fuck that.

"here I go... on my own... I don't need nobody, better off alone..."

I knowww, Britney Speaarrs, but it helps- it really does, to think that someday I'll believe that I'm better off without him.

My logical mind is saying "of course you don't need him. You didn't even know him before this year (well, not really anyway), and you were perfectly fine. This was just a small chapter in your life- yes, it did end without warning,- yes, it is a horrible cliffhanger, but it ended. Deal. There will be others- I say- (but not as good as him? I think)

I hope he goes out with some chunkilly-made-up girl who wears tight clothes every day and has long stringy, dyed hair and flirts with other guys and is just using him because he's gorgeous. Her arm candy.

Good luck finding someone who will be as good to you as I was, Nate.

Then again, I could say the same thing to myself.

I hope you find someone who fits all your standards and gets by your pickiness, Nate. I didn't, I wasn't good enough for you, you made that quite apparent.

Good luck finding that 'perfect girl'- you know, the one who doesn't exist.

***

Maybe going online makes me sad or something- it seems to, I was all pumped from the music, and feeling better, then I got online. Maybe I need to not be so connected with the outside world- Nate is out there- being happy without me. That prospect would depress me horribly, if I were to let my mind dwell on it.

Relationships can all just go die. This hurts and did hurt way too much for me, I can't handle all that.

He says he still wants to be friends and hang out and stuff. I wonder if he meant it? He's said little white lies before, what he thought I wanted to hear, not what he meant. Like, at lunch yesterday. At first he was saying things like "this is a break, we are just going on a break"- but I've been through that before, the "break" thing. I said something along the lines of "Are we going on a break? Or, are you just saying that? I've been in this situation before, you really need to know what you're saying" and he looked away pained-ishly and said he didn't know. A little later in the conversation he was saying he wanted to be friends, just good friends, and I asked "Is that forver, or temporary?" and he said forver... I hope I didn't make it obvious that it felt as if a wrecking ball hit me. I was just like "alright" and smiled. He asked if that was okay, and I said "well, it kind of has to be, I can't make you do anything"- and it's the truth. If he doesn't want me, if I'm not good enough for him, I can't change that.

He kind of explained himself more- but what I was hearing from other people, is that I got annoying- he didn't say that. He said stuff like "some things you did bothered me, but they were stupid, it's no big deal, blah"- well then uh, why did you dump me? Obviously, they were of some importance. He kinda vaguely skimmed over some of them then said he wanted to be single, to be alone, to be with his friends and stuff-

what hurts the most is knowing how I had said like a week earlier "yeah when we break up you're going to be the one to dump me" and he said with such serious sincerity "I'd never dump you!"

He is a liar.

... he's a guy.

what should I expect?

I remember I always wanted that perfect relationship, where it was both-sided and things were happy and right. I had it, I had a little taste of it- I wish I never did. I now know what I was missing, and nothing can ever replace it, replace him, although I've desperately been trying to think of someone, something, to make me forget him.

I don't want to cry anymore. Everything that used to make me happy somehow reminds me of him and severely depresses me.

This is horrible! I need to get over this. I'm well aware of how wrong it is to hang on longer than I should.

I had a dream lastnight that I was at the north building, facing the south building, but the south building was being used as an airport. The planes kept going up, then flopping in the air and crashing on the ground. They did it over and over, until the planes began to land on their wheels again and no one got hurt. It was weird. Everything else was so dark and I had nowhere to go but to watch these airplanes. I was so alone, sitting on the ground by myself, watching death and destruction. It was so silent, though. I couldn't hear anything but I could feel the wind slap my face, I could feel the pain inside of the aircrafts. I don't know what to make of that.

This is depressing. I'm going to get breakfast.

Liz

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