"when you gonna make up your mind... cuz things are gonna change..."

Tori Amos is amazing.

Today was yet another "I WILL be happy- I SWEAR" day. It was working too! I mean, I still had that fatigued kinda "sigh"-ish feeling, everything reminds me of him. We walked by pac sun, there was a skateboard in the window. Someone said something about being retarded, and I remembered one of our jokes. I don't give a shit if someone says I'm cocky, we were a GOOD COUPLE, okay?! We worked! We clicked! WE DID TOO FIT, NATE! Even though you say we didn't, you know we did. Until you didn't want us to anymore.

Christmas shopping was good- me and Lauren are opposite shoppers, she likes to go slow, and i like to rush. Of course, we didn't have much time. It'd be cool to go next weekend and have like 4 hours instead of less than 2. But hey, I got stuff accomplished! So, it's all good. I got some people amazing things, and still need to shop... shopp...

WE have a dance Friday? if Zack and Trev don't want me to come downtown... I know who I wanna go to the stupid dance with, ahah. Maybe I'll ask him.

Britney Spears is still cheering me up- thanks Shelby and Courtney for telling me you like her, too! We're coming out of the closet!

Haha, I got Laura two "gag" ish gifts that she can use but they're funny, I think. i'll have to sneak next weekend if Lauren's with me, and get her something, too.

I can't be in the "christmas spirit" though. Just, I can't. If anythign ever makes me happy now, I just feel sick. I was at the mall with Lauren, and we'd laugh about something and then I'd feel sick. 'Specially when we walked by Pac Sun with the skateboards in the window- I felt horribly sick and deranged, as if a dark cloud had descended over my head. We ran into bath and body works, and I felt much better (plus, it smelled nice:-D)

Nope, no dance. Guy said no.

is there something WRONG with me!?

Nick says "kind of".

Thanks.

Boys can all just go die, except for Zack and whoever he's with, I want to hang out with him, because he's cool and not- I duno, he's not a "guy" to me- he's not a girl either, at all, but he's a guy I can be liz around, not "heheLiz". you know?

yeah, I dont wanna go to that dance unless I have a date or something, someone I know I'll be hanging out with, there's no point in going if I'll be alone in my own thoughts to wish I hadn't fucked up with Nate, to think "what if I went back and did this differently... would he still be in my life...?"

Because- life just sucks now. Basically.

I'm ignoring nick. because he was a meanie. blah.

It feels so wrong to be making all these attempts at moving on from Nate. Like, the random dance guy who said no meanly, I wasn't hurt at all because I uh don't care at all.

WHY CAN'T I LIKE SOMEONE ELSE?! blargh!

I was in Target today, walking around, and I found a fault of Nate's. He wasn't... well, he'd always say "calm down, Liz" and like hold up his hand and stuff. I'd push it down and tell him not to tell me to do that. (when we broke up he admitted that he hadn't liked that much, my hyper-ness. anyway, i want a guy who can be more like me, more crazy when it's appropriate to be crazy, you know? Someone to have fun with- but someone who knows how to be serious. Nate was the happy medium between crazy and serious- he couldn't be either. It was good for a little while, but it got boring. HE got boring. I remember thinking for alittle bit if I was bored of him or not, but I forced myself into thinking I wasn't- maybe I was, maybe it's good this happened.

I have crushes on people and stuff, but not nearly enough to get me over Nate. The only reason I like these people at all is because they have Nate-ish qualities. Some are really attractive, so I go from there. Some I've known for a while and are really attractive, so that too. Some do things that Nate does, or flat-out remind me of him.

I can't replace him- God, I wish I could.

There'd have to be some incredibly amazing guy to get me over Nate- like, I've been planning this all out in my head. He'd be taller than me and have a tan and cool hair, longish but not as long as Nate's (the freak). He'd be really funny and lively and nice and happy, maybe a bit immature at times...i dunno...but knows when to be serious... and is deep, can talk, COMMUNICATES-

mom is yelling, I'm out

Liz

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