mm

I'd never admit to this- now, I'd never admit to having feelings for someone after breaking up with them. You all know me, I' m too "strong" like that.

I'll never get over him, he's my dream, he was my reality. He was to me like the sun is to the earth- I revovled around it, I depended on it. I was only a little rock orbiting his galaxy.

He will never, not for a long time anyone- ever find someone so ... devoted to him, as I was.

Apparently I did something. It was my fault. I fucked up.

We were perfect. I'm sorry, cocky, I'm aware- that is how I feel. We never fought, he was so good to me, and you know what? I can honestly say that I was good to him, too. I didn't play any mind games, - he was the only guy that I didn't get paranoid about, and I suppose I should have.

I kept my hands to myself, damnit! There was no outside flirting with anyone else, there were no outside interests.

I'm gonna find out tomorrow what was going on, what I did. Who wants to bet it'll hurt? I know I'm gonna cry- I always do now.

I got the pictures back. From my party, homecoming- such happy times. WHERE DID I FUCK UP?

I like to pretend I'm real happy at school. I like to pretend I don't notice him; that he means nothing. How often should you lie to yourself?

Don't get me wrong, this isn't the only thing I think about.

I have an A in social studies! Uh, damnshit straight! That's incredible! Tommy is so strange, I was looking at our "turkey quiz" thing we did together around thanksgiving, we put almost every answer down as "turkey" or "turkey feces" or something- we got ONE answer right. The question was something like "what is the key to having a GRREAT thanksgiving?"- of course, turkey.

English can suck my dicckk.

I WAS IN PARK FOREST TODAY. We went to pick Teddy up- did anyone ever notice how the cafeteria a.k.a. commons smelled? Not bad...just.. park-forresty. That was the very first thing I noticed, that and how incredibly small the school is...small, but simple. Damn, I miss 8th grade. I saw Matt Lachmen. We went running down the hall and talked of the old teachers, wondering where they were.

Mom and dad are at a concert, they're still not home at all and whatnot. Doens't bother me- I got to talk to Jes on the phone, she's soo funny. She was like "you should get over Nate, because he does not speak portugese!" and I was like "too bad i'll NEVER GET OVER NATE". Hmmmahaha.. sigh.

I all of a sudden have more friends. It's really cool, now that I have time to be online and tlak to people, now that I'm not with Nate every second of the day- not that I don't miss him, not that It doesn't hurt to see him with other people, and remembering us talking- no way, mister- I dunno.

He's made up his mind, I need to just go with the flow and accept that. He doesn't want me, I'm not good enough- WHAT THE FLYING HELL DID I DO?!

He told me a sackload of BS- everyone else he's apparently...bearing his soul... and he just, made up reasons to me. Nathaniel, I WILL find out what I did. I think I'll ask you tomorrow- I'm not afraid of talking to you, - I'm afraid of what you will say.

Only a few people relate to this- but when I think about him, I either feel like I have to throw up, cry, or like someone went into my stomach and kicked me really hard- it's so painful to even look at him, much less talk to him, but I'm gonna do it.

He still has a lot of my stuff. He has some of my bracelets that he stole, and like half of my haloween costume (er, no, actually just thetail, but still)- a bracelet that I made for him, so it's not actually mine- a paper that I drew his name all over and colored it, and this cute little mug thing that says "Nathaniel" on it that I gave to him. Oh, and my little love notes- that I'd write to him periodically and tell him how incredible he is and how much I liked him and stuff.

Was I, or was I NOT a good girlfriend?!

He is very definite in his decision that he does not want me. It's extremely saddening, I feel like I'm being rejected, except I have this strong affection for him that is going to be tough to kill.

I wanna go back to Shelby's party and first look at myself, warn myself profusely not to get involved with him, then look at him, point at him and yell "KEEP AWAY FROM ME, BASTARD" then disappear in a :poof:

I want him to read this, except I don't want him to think I know, and I probably won't know if he did, - not that he'd give much of a hoot, but guess what, Nate? I'm still madly in love with you! What a great christmas present.

He's the only ex that I haven't just straight- out hated as soon as we broke up. I still like him, so much. Have I ever actually admitted to it before? No. He can know it, too. He probably does. Him and his horribly long hair are living their lives without me, while I'm quasi-suffering, wishing I'd never gotten involved with him.

Laura cut his hair!!!! AHHH. I have some of it. It smells like him- I always loved the way he smelled. I loved his voice, and you know what? I like his hair too. I always liked playing with it- and I loved his eyes and his lips and his weird laugh and his retarded smile and how he was always happy and nice and- ffuck!

LIZ! Go die! NOW.

Maybe I am over him and I just don't want to be, so I'm pretending that I am not. It strikes me as od that I can talk about him like that in here, knowing people read it, knowing someone will tell him, and I don't care. His friend, Erik, was like "I thought you guys were gonna get married or something, you were that good"-

We were really good... weren't we.

Everyone says that, everyone says we were perfect, and I know we were. Crazy, huh? I'd never admit to thinking that either, but I just did. Me and anyone else I was with- we sucked. Okay? Sucked.

Maybe it's better that we broke up now, instead of months later, imagine how worse that would be, what kind of pain would be invovled? I dislike pain and crying, but sometimes it's good to just get it out and NOT IGNORE THINGS AND NOT TELL PEOPLE.

sigh

I will move on- I really feel myself feeling better, I'm not as sad and hurt as I was before.

I wonder when my parents are getting home?

Nate- go die!

hahaha I wonder if he dumped me because my hair is short? Actually, to be completely honest, that would rreaaallly make me sad- I already miss my poor long hair, and to top it off, I was dumped because it is gone, how horrible would that be? It'd bother me.

I'm being so- honest today. It's insane. I like it.

Nate was not perfect for me. He was damned close but- no cigar, basically. There were a few lil things about him that could have been better. He could have been more respectful to things- when I asked him nicely not to touch my face (because it is oily and gross, i was saving myself embarassment)- I MEANT it, okay? He kept whining about how I wouldn't let him. He didn't like how hyper I was at times. you know what, Nate? Fuck you! that's me, sorry, do you like 'em depressed? I know I don't, I HATED how sedate you'd act sometimes, it was so boring and you made it so hard to talk to you when you were like that.

damnmnn! this feels good! lets go on

I hated how you'd always tell me to "calm down" when I wasn't even worked up in the first place. I'd like, laugh hard and you'd say "liz! calm down!" and like try to push my hand down with your hand- sorry for pulling away, but you know what? I can do what I want. Don't you WANT people to laugh at your g'damned retarded 4th grade humor? You know I'm right. You didn't like how I had power over you or something when you damn well knew that I NEVER made you do anything you didn't want to do and I never would, unless it was extremely important. You wanted to go snowboard instead of hang out with me? By all means, I wouldn't make you do a g'damned thing. You know you're wrong. I didn't MAKE you ignore your friends, it was your own fault, not that your friends are paranoid or anything- paranoid like I SHOULD have been.

You know what, Nate? YOU fucked up, not me. this was YOUR loss.

with that- I'm going to bed.

Liz

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