Heyyy

Look, Look it's five in the morning.

I wonder if Lauren and I are in a fight. I was very offended by not only what she said in her diary, but the fact that she acted all normal, as if nothing was wrong. It's almost like leading someone on, but in the friend sort of way. I don't know whether I should go find her this morning and talk to her, or just avoid her, because I'm sure she's offended too, and I don't want to fight with anyone- especially not her! She's always been one of my best friends, I still don't understand what made her feel that way. Every time I'd do something with Laura or something, I'd call her up and suggest we hang out. I can't remember her calling me up and inviting me anywhere recently- but that's okay, I was cool with being the invite-er. Just...the fact that she kept on saying she felt left out? I still don't understand. I wish she'd realize that she's one of the last people I want to leave out, I'd never want to leave her behind, God, she's the only one who stood by me last year while everyone else at PF pushed me away. I remember things like that. I guess I'm just afraid of her not wanting to talk to me, ignoring me, or something. That would hurt worse than any words she could say. I guess we'll see.

I'm up this morning, because I had a paper to write...again. Math homework is still not done, and I had a lot of it. Luckilly she's only taking off one point for one day late, then two for two, then four for three, then eight for four days late, then 16 for five days late... ONLY a math teacher... haha.

I have that journalism interview thing to do as well, the only hard thing about that will be finding it, I have noo idea where it got off to in my room, or in my locker. Sigh.

The party Saturday night was pretty fun, contrary to what I thought it was gonna be like. I went to Laura R's first because dad doesn't know where Laura Day lives. Andy drove us over. Some kids were already there. Laura Day, of course, Lynn Wang, Jayne Horner, Kelly Rider, Jerica Holtzinger, uh, Bart and Jess, Will Hughes, - man, it's tough to remember things at five in the morning- Cyle Hacker showed up, and then Johnny Bancrofft, then T.J., Cameron, and Ngoni. I think that's it? I'm so bad at remembering these things. Well, Jess and I did some crazy stuff, and we all had fun. THE STEELERS FCKING LOST. THEY LOST. I asked Laura's dad, lol- BY THREE POINTS IN OOVVERRRTTIMMMEE. Agh. That dampered my party mood for a few minutes, but no big. Things were generally good. Laura R had to leave at like 9:30 for some random reason involving Andy- I felt bad for her. It seemed like, every time she'd try to kick back and have a little fun, talk, laugh, have a conversation with someone else besides Andy- he'd get mad at her. She brings him with her and he drags her down, although when she was in the kitchen she seemed to have fun, which was cool. Andy just needs to loosen up a little. I wish Laura would have come back, though. She said she was thinking about it- but I didn't get around to calling her yesterday because I was out running errands, then I came home and slept at 6. Andrea and Sasha saw Just Married:-(.. hmm I wanted to see that. Ah, it's all good- Maybe Laura will want to see it with me or something, It looks like a good movie.

I'm so tired. I got to sleep at 6 last night, and didn't totally wake up until 3ish this morning and I still fel groggy. I was really sickish yesterday, and mom made us walk around State College. What did we do yesterday? Hm. Here goes-

We went to church, then to lunch at The Diner downtown, then we walked to the art museum. (My mom is so dumb. I know my way around State College when it comes to downtown/campus. You go straight down the sidewalk, through the library then across the street to your right. Nooooo mom led us on a retarded goose chase around the library, down random streets then to the Hub). The art museum was amazing. I didn't know how great is was- and it's free! It was like a little Carnegie. That... is a compliment.

Then we walked back downtown, through some random science building and to the car. Mom and I went to Peir One, while dad and Teddy went to Barnes and Noble. We were supposed to be looking for a new bedset for me- and all the ones I thought were cool didn't have certain features, and the one set that did have certain features, the bed was ugly. I fell asleep in a whicker chair.

Mom and I walked to Barnes and Noble. I got hot chocolate, she got a Caffe Latte. Dad picked a fight with me in public like he always does because he's an asshole, and you know what? He was wrong and I proved it in the car. He stuttered and admitted his error while we drove to the Y. Mom wants to start working out soon, she said we may even get Teddy and I a personal trainer. Amazing! Don't you tell them what you'd like to do with yourself, and they tell you how to do it? For example, you'd say "I want to lose fat" or something, and they'd tell you how much cardio to do a day. I have this long list of things I want to do with myself- because I honestly hate my body and want it to be totally different. For example, what the flying hell is wrong with my hips. Andrea and Sasha have heard my rant on how I hate them and want them to look normal. Maybe I can fix them? I'll do whatever it takes- and I want abs, or atleast a toned stomach. I wonder if there's a whole diet I'll have to follow to get and keep the fat off? Anyway, we went by where dad will be interviewing- then home. I brought my laundry downstairs and fell asleep- I wouldn't even get out of bed to watch the Simpsons, which is definitely saying something.

Well, it's a new day. I remember in 6th grade I used to wake up, and think to myself, "Today's a new day- something different will happen today, and I'm excited to start it,". Almost ever day I would think that. Why? I was in USC! But...6th grade was different. My team was like another world. Neeldess to say, 7th grade killed my positivity with a hacksaw, and I hated everything. My irate malice didn't disappear until the beggining of 8th grade, when I lived here- and then it came back around second simester when people were being ...eh. I don't want to think about it.

Another thing I don't want to think about is Nate, of course I do anyway, seeing as yesterday we would have been 3 months and all. (12th). I wonder if he ever thinks about me? Probably not. I realized something Saturday night. I was thinking about this one guy, and how I think I have a crush on him- then automatically my subconscious mind thrusts Nate forward. My conscious mind thinks, whoa, why? Then I realize- I'm hanging on to Nate because I don't want to get hurt again, I don't want to go like someone else again, trust someone else and get crushed again. I know it'll happen. Any time someone else even remotely appears, I think about Nate and compare them and find reasons why I should just hang on to Nate- because we're never going to be anything again, and I know this. Hell, I care about things that I shouldn't even notice when it comes to that kid. It's so retarded that I won't let myself move on- because I don't want myself hurt like that ever again. I couldn't do almost anything, I was so depressed. Hanging on to him isn't helping me, but I don't want a new boyfriend, either. I don't want to like anyone at all- and from experience- I know that only time will aid me in that aspect.

It's about 5:50. I have to go pick out what to wear today (UGHHHH), get my stuff together, and get ready for SCHOOL. YAY.

-Liz

You know what my view is now? It's a new fucking day and something else will go horribly wrong, just like yesterday- but it's a different dominoe falling this time.

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